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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my family to be welcoming?

11 replies

Rhubarbgarden · 02/02/2012 14:14

or at least hospitable, damn it.

My uncle on my mother's side has been diagnosed with cancer. It's a very small family - he and my aunt, and one daughter live overseas. Their other daughter lives in this country, several hundred miles away from me but reasonably close to my Dad and brother, her only other family. She is understandably distraught, and feeling a long way away from her loved ones. Having lost my Mum to cancer, I know what she's going through, and so quite frankly do my Dad and brother, but neither of them have made any effort to pop in to see her.

So, I'm trying to arrange to drive up to see her this weekend. I have a toddler and I'm 5 months pregnant. My brother can't accommodate us because he and his wife are both working all weekend, and last time we stayed with them they kept fretting about dd damaging their paintwork so frankly it was all a bit stressful. So I told my Dad we would be staying with him. Cue lots of whinging about how he'd have to clean the house, and what a nuisance this is. Now he's decided he's going to be going out to some function on Saturday night, and will stay over there, so we won't even really see him. He's acting like it's all incredibly inconvenient.

Am I BU to compare this lack of welcome by my family to the hospitalty we get when we visit dh's family, who are always pleased to see us, and can't do enough to make us feel wanted and welcome? Dd is my Dad's only grandchild, he hardly ever sees her and isn't really interested in her. My brother regularly makes comments about how we 'dropped unlucky' with dd; as he thinks she is high maintenance. She isn't at all; she slept through at 5 weeks, is pretty quiet and well behaved - but she IS a toddler so yes she can be shouty and busy and occasionally wakes in the night with a nightmare.

It wasn't always like this. When my Mum was around we were a normal family who spent time together and enjoyed each other's company. I'm trying to do the right thing by my poor cousin, who i really, really feel for, and I feel like it shouldn't be so damn hard and upsetting just trying to stay with my bloody family.

OP posts:

zumm · 02/02/2012 14:16

Stay in a hotel. I would...

AnnieLobeseder · 02/02/2012 14:18

Wow, sorry, but your family sound awful! YANBU to want a welcoming family, but sadly it doesn't sound like you have one. I'd second zumm's suggestion of a hotel.

PS - I feel your pain, my family are awful too.

Sandalwood · 02/02/2012 14:20

Yep hotel.
It could be stressful having a toddler in a non toddler-proofed house. (Sounds like your dad's house isn't ready for a small child).

at "So I told my Dad we would be staying with him. " though.

Original poster

Rhubarbgarden · 02/02/2012 14:21

Zumm, I am sorely tempted. Or I could call up a friend and ask to stay with them. It just makes me so sad, that's all. We don't go up very often, I thought they would be pleased to see us. More fool me.

OP posts:

lisaro · 02/02/2012 14:25

Yes, you are. You TOLD your Dad? Surely it's manners that you ask to stay with someone else? They do not have to put your or your daughter up. It's very sad you're not close, but being family doesn't make them obligated to have you stay. Do you not have the decency to feel guilty that you've driven your Dad out of his own home for the night? Lastly - in all probability your daughter may not be a handful, but maybe she is. Maybe they have a (terribly worded, admittedly) point? Surely the obvious thing would be to stay with the cousin?

Original poster

Rhubarbgarden · 02/02/2012 17:35

Well, we are close, in some ways. I don't physically see my Dad but I speak to him on the phone regularly. And we've always had the sort of family set up where it's normal to say 'I'm coming to visit on such and such a weekend' and there's been no necessity to ask permission; my brother for instance has in the past told me he has flights from the airport near me and he'll be staying at ours the night before - that's fine. And when my Mum was around, my parents would turn up to stay at mine unannounced all the time (before I got married, that is). My Dad's just been getting more and more feral since my Mum died, and I guess I just have to suck it up that he and my brother don't like kids. It just makes me sad, that's all. Dh's family live on the continent so dd has no other family in this country. I suppose I want them to want her, and that's hard.

OP posts:

JosieZ · 02/02/2012 19:39

I would stay at your Dads. Maybe leave him a nice casserole or similar to come back to. Maybe he'll find DD more interesting as she is older than last visit.
Sounds like he is very set in his ways since your Mum died.

Kiwiinkits · 02/02/2012 21:39

YANBU, that must be really upsetting. My DH's family are a bit like yours (always 'put out' at our visits, instead of welcoming) and we both find it a bit trying. Look, I would go and stay with your Dad anyway. Telling him you're coming is fine. And I would also mention to him that it hurts your feelings that he doesn't seem to want you there. With any luck he'll take your viewpoint on board.
And a clean up will do him some good, if he's as feral as my Dad, it could be just what he needs!

2rebecca · 02/02/2012 21:52

I don't see why the OP's father is being unreasonable. It's not as though Rhubarb is going to see him, she's going to see her uncle. There have been plenty of threads where alot of people, including me. thought it was fine to ask extended family to stay in a hotel if it was inconvenient for them to stay in the house, we can't complain when older relatives behave the same way. Rhubarb would be using her father's house like a hotel, as he isn't even going to be in that weekend, and she didn't ask him when would be a good weekend to stay but just chose this weekend, asking her to stay in a real hotel isn't unreasonable in my opinion.

Kiwiinkits · 02/02/2012 22:01

But 2rebecca, it's not like her dad has just given birth or anything, he just doesn't want to clean up! (I agree though, that the same standards ought to apply: if the OP can envisage a time where she will need to say to her Dad that she'd prefer if he didn't come that particular weekend, she might need to suck it up and stay in a hotel).

Kiwiinkits · 02/02/2012 22:03

I do think sometimes older Dads need a kick in the arse about their family obligations, though. They get selfish and onery in their old age, generally this happens with full force once the mums have passed away. At least, my Dad has gone that way. It's up to the adult daughters kids to keep the connections alive.

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