to put a notice on my door....

[TandB]

...saying "Re unsolicited sales calls. There is a perfectly serviceable and entirely visible letter-box around about the level of your nose. There is therefore absolutely no reason for you to hammer repeatedly on my door, causing me to remove my nipple from the mini milking-machine that is currently sucking it in and out noisily and trek to the front door just so that you can lovingly place your business flyer directly into my milky hand. I am no more likely to purchase restored antique furniture, bespoke summer houses or ironing-board covers just because you twinkled and smiled at me while handing it over. And I am highly unlikely to purchase anything from you if you get the arse with me for pointing out said letterbox and requesting that you use it in future.

And PS The other end of the village is richer, better ironed and more partial to the antique and bespoke. Go harass them."

My Cargo bike is in front of my house I regularly get randoms with vans asking if I "want rid?"

Yes of course I want rid of it - that's why its bolted to the wall and so so well maintained because I want someone to take it off my hands

I just made a note, saying

"I'm breastfeeding, please don't knock or ring the doorbell, unless dealing with a sleep deprived new mum and a screaming newborn is really worth it"

It worked, even my neighbours would pop round and say things like, I saw your note earlier and thought I'd pop back later, and the postie (bless him, cannot count the number of times the poor thing had to see me boobs out) started leaving post on the door mat and giving me a quick wave from the window to let meknow there was something there for me.

I think a polite

"Canvassers: Do not knock on this door unless you know my shoe size or date of birth, or I will send my rottweiler on you" should do. Much shorter.

ProfCox's is admittedly better.

It's the utter uselessness of the products on offer that is slowly sucking out my soul.

I mean, do I look like I iron? If I was the kind of person who needed an ironing-board cover I would presumably be considerably less creased.

And I don't think I own anything that could be described as "bespoke".

In fairness, I should probably concede the "restored antique" point, assuming that painting a £25 bureau desk from a charity shop blue counts as restoring an antique. Antiques are just old stuff right? And restoring means covering up the dodgy bits, yes?

What about fish? We have guys in a van selling fish about once a month. I make it a policy not to buy fish from strange men in a van. Would you buy fish?

Vegetarian so nope!

I like the idea of door to door cake sellers

Well of course the things must be useless kungfu. Things that anyone really wants or needs are in shops, not forced on you at your door.

AND why is it that bloody Zenith Staybright send a child in an ill fitting suit every two weeks to point out AGAIN the state of my soffits and faschias - accompanied by a "manager" seen swigging lager from a can? Seriously? I'm going to spend £5000 on products from you? NO. The answer was NO last time, and it will be next time too. Just leave me and my rotting soffits alone...

In fairness I had tried the polite, "please do not disturb, sleeping newborn" but that didn't stop them, nor did unplugging the door bell, they just hammered on the door.

So I figured I should up my game, my next step was to start answering the door holding poo filled nappies to give them in exchange, almost sad I never got to try that.

5ofus

I stern pointed glare accompanied by

"you think they need doing? YOUR company only fitted them 18 months ago"

should stop them returning

Surely creased clothes are a sign you might be in the market for an ironing board cover - maybe the only thing stopping you ironing is the ugly frayed cover that's on your ironing board?

We have a sign on our door, it seems to work not too badly actually - you see people walk up, then turn and leave without ringing the bell...

Ironing Board? What is this device of which you speak?

Try Ebay and search for a nice wrought iron etc type sign with, "No canvassers", or similar message printed on it etc.

YANBU

www.ebay.co.uk/sch/i.html?_from=R40&_trksid=p5197.m570.l1313&_nkw=no+canvassers&_sacat=See-All-Categories

I work from home and my office is in the Lower Ground Floor, so when the doorbell goes, not only do I jump because my two Labradors start barking ferociously, but I'm normally on a conference call (anyone else who works from home will know how they annoyingly coincide with any random knock at the door - most annoying ), but I then have to run up a flight of stairs to find that it's someone selling some random item.

So, I stuck a notice on the door saying 'Working from Home. Unless you are making a Delivery DO NOT ring the doorbell'.

I haven't had one knock on the door since unless it is someone making a delivery or a visitor that has been prearranged.

If you are expressing and looking after a LO, I would DEFINITELY say that you are working and so a similar sign would apply!

We had our "we do not buy at the door etc" sign nicked. Presumably by someone trying to get us to buy something ...

And, I had a cold caller hang up on ME the other day.

YANBU

I bought some fish from the 'fresh fish' man once, cost me £23 for 3 small fishlike things, one freshwater, I assume trout and 2 what I thought were cod but were, aw shit I can't remember, the chav type cod. And they were frozen.

I also bought a duster at £6.94 (wtf?) and gave the scary looking dude a tip.

DH isn't particularly bossy but he has ordered me to say "I'm sorry my husband doesn't trust me with money" - although the JW's looked a bit concerned and wanted to save me when I repeated the mantra to them.

I will do a sign.

aldiwhore - love "chav type cod" :o