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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP is so angry - sorry a bit long

20 replies

lesley33 · 02/02/2012 09:24

Just had a terrible evening last night. DP's sister has MH problems. For a year she has been saying she can't walk and can't move her legs at all. She has seen an array of specialists who have all concluded that there is nothing physically wrong with her legs and that this is a MH issue - but no real offers of help to resolve this.

Yesterday sister went to see specialist who basically told her that if she refuses to move her legs she will end up not being able to walk and will make herself physically disabled. At the same time sister is constantly saying to her mum that she really can't move her legs and everyone keeps ignoring that there really is something wrong. Her mum is now talking about using their few retirement savings to send her to a specialist in america. She was on the phone to DP last night crying andsaying no one is listening to her daughter.

DP is furious. Angry that sister will make herself physically disabled with this. Angry that their mum is so upset and that parents are going to use few retirement savings for something DP thinks is a waste of money.

I think it is all terribly terribly sad. But DP is just so angry and can't seem to see this from sister's pov at all. I know it is a terrible situation for DP, but surely DP should have a bit of sympathy? DP has MH so does understand this - seems to run in the family.

OP posts:

SugarLemons · 02/02/2012 09:27

Could it be M.E? My flatmate had this for 6 years, became paralysed and blind through it. It was only strong psychotherapy that got her to the place she is today. Hard position for you to be in.

squeakytoy · 02/02/2012 09:28

If she hasnt walked for a year, her muscles will have been wasting away and she will be struggling to walk.

I can understand your husband being angry though, because I cant see how there would be anything in America any different to the specialists here. Other than it being a heck of a lot of money.

Original poster

lesley33 · 02/02/2012 09:32

Specialists have said that if someone really can't move their legs at all this
has an affect on muscles and muscle tone - especially over time. Because of her muscle tone and some other tests on muscles (?) carried out, they said she can clearly move her legs.

Yes it is possible she does have a real problem with her legs, but it is because she said she can't move them at all that specialists have been able to say this isn't true.

So it isn't so much that they couldn't find a physical diagnosis, but that the physical tests don't support what she s telling them. Sorry I know this sin't totally clear - but just relaying what has been said second hand.

OP posts:

TheresASpareChairOverThere · 02/02/2012 09:33

Hi, I think your partner's anger is not abnormal tbh. How long has your DP been angry? Maybe give him a little time to process it all.

He is faced with a problem he can't solve. His whole family is affected. He probably doesn't know how to deal with it.

CailinDana · 02/02/2012 09:35

I can understand your DP's anger to a certain extent. I have a friend whom I love dearly but he is slowly killing himself through overeating. On the face of it, this is something he could change by himself - he could just ditch the shit tomorrow and be healthier in a year, but he won't. It makes me so fucking angry I could hit him, I really could. All I think is "I love you and you just don't care, you're taking yourself away from me." It's a totally selfish reaction, but an understandable one. In reality his overeating is a symptom of other very serious problems, just like you DP's sister's condition is. It is incredibly frustrating but he needs to see that she is ill, perhaps not with paraplegia, but with some mental illness that has caused her to stop using her legs. Also, it is up to his parents what they want to use their money on. I would be so delighted if my friend's parents were shipping him off to a clinic for treatment. Unfortunately they'll never do that, because they just don't care.

toddlerama · 02/02/2012 09:35

Have you heard of Lightning therapy? I don't know how it works or anything about it really other than a friend who was completely housebound for years is now leading a normal life as a result of it. It's UK based treatment though, so might be worth researching before spending a lot to go abroad.

fedupofnamechanging · 02/02/2012 09:37

Poor woman. It's not like she can help having MH issues. The brain is so powerful, that if it's telling her she cannot walk, then she really can't, even if there is nothing physically wrong with her legs. It sounds like people are treating her as if she is choosing not to walk, rather than being utterly convinced that she can't.

Somehow, you have to get your dh to see that this isn't her fault and she's not causing distress to her parents on purpose. Perhaps he could talk to some MH charities who could explain how these things work.

JustHecate · 02/02/2012 09:37

Just because the problem may not be 'physical' honestly doesn't make it any less of a real problem.

I think he needs to stop and think about it.

It could be fibromyalgia and she's not moving because she's in so much pain - it's physical but some doctors don't believe it exists because you can't prove it with the Holy Blood Test.

Or it could be psychological - but that doesn't make it any less real than if she'd broken both legs.

It's still a real problem.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/02/2012 09:46

The opening part of this Reith Lecture is interesting
Lecturer Vilayanur S Ramachandran is Director of the Centre for Brain and Cognition and professor with the Psychology Department and the Neurosciences Programme at the University of California, San Diego. He is also Adjunct Professor of Biology at the Salk Institute

It covers research into hysterical paralysis - he is a neuroscientist who looks at brain/body confusions such as phantom limbs

Original poster

lesley33 · 02/02/2012 10:29

Thank you for that Chaz. I will share that with DP. And thanks for everyone's comments

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wigglybeezer · 02/02/2012 10:31

It could be a conversion disorder.

ElaineBenes · 02/02/2012 11:39

Not much help, but it reminds me of the Arthur Miller play 'Broken Glass'
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Broken_Glass_(play)

Maybe your DP might get some perspective if he reads the play?

mojitomania · 02/02/2012 11:46

Don't really get why your DP is so angry, frustrated maybe but not angry.

It's not like she's asked him to pay for anything.

If it was my daughter I'd sell my house to help her.

Is he worried about his inheritance?

kelly2000 · 02/02/2012 12:44

Like others hae said could it be ME -perhaps put MIL and SIL in contact with a support group here for advice before they spend thousands on treatment that might not be appropriate. They might be able to put you in touch with doctors who specialize in this, or even other people with ME. Might also be good for MIL to speak to other parents in this situation, she must feel very helpless.

If it really is a MH issue then again that needs treatment, and once again I think contacting a mental health specialist or even a support group would be the best bet in he first instance.

If her legs have wasted through none use and this is the problem what bout somephysio therapy sessions - even private ones would be cheaper than going to america, or even hydrotherapy sessions to improve muscle strength. just doing something could make her feel more positive.

Original poster

lesley33 · 02/02/2012 13:16

mojito - There is no inheritance. In laws live in council house. They have a fairly small pot of retirement savings. So no that isn't the issue.But DP doesn't want them to waste the small amount of money they do have on this - would rather they spent it on having holidays, good times, etc. But it is more about from DP, they have very little money anyway, and this is just a waste.

kelly - She has said she can't move her legs at all. I don't think you can do physio on legs if you can't move them at all. Yes her legs have wasted. But specialists have said that when you sit still in a wheelchair, if you can actually move your legs, your muscles do move in small ways all the time. But if you really can't physically, then the muscles do not move at all. So her muscle tone and muscle function tests (?) show her legs to be in better condition than someone who couldn't physically walk. Which is why they say what she is telling them doesn't match up with the reality.

As I understand it, if she was just reluctant to move her legs because of pain, etc this would be totally different. But she is saying she can't move her legs at all.

karma - I think you have hit the nail on the head. Medics do seem to be treating her as if she is choosing not to walk. I don't think it is that straightforward.

cailin - That sounds really heart breaking with your friend. especially as your friends parents don't seem to care.

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wigglybeezer · 02/02/2012 14:08

It really sounds like a conversion disorder which is a mental health problem of which paralysis of limbs is a classic symptom. Have a look online.

Original poster

lesley33 · 02/02/2012 14:11

Thanks - never heard of that before

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Original poster

lesley33 · 02/02/2012 14:26

wiggly - Justo to say that I had never heard of conversion disorder before, but have been reading about it. It does sound like that. It came on suddenly after a very stressful experience. Also, although she has been desperate for people to believe it is physical and she is not making this up - which I don't think she is - she has also not been that keen to actually look at any treatments people suggest. Now I know some of the suggestions have been hocus pocus, but you think she would be desperate to try stuff. Instead all of her focus is on getting a diagnosis.

More importantly it says this can be treated. Thank you I will share this with DP, encourage him to share it with in laws and see if this could be explored as a reason for her legs.

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rheumatoid · 02/02/2012 14:47

Not quite the same but I had huge but sudden mobility problems in pregnancy and everyone was offering advice and suggestions to change diet, blaming it on pregnancy at an advanced age and other equally unhelpful advice. I was getting more and more frustrated and just wanted a diagnosis.

I saw 6 GPs who were all unable to diagnose. I finally saw a newly qualified GP who followed the correct procedure and requested blood tests and didnt assume it was pregnancy related due to being so old! The relief of getting a diagnosis for rheumatoid arthritis was amazing as I stopped feeling like I was going crazy and could get appropriate medication and treatment. Pain is also more bearable if you know why and relatives can stop diagnosing for you!

The pain and lack of belief from professionals and family and loads of unhelpful advice could easily be enought to create mental health problems.

Original poster

lesley33 · 02/02/2012 16:58

Rheumatoid - That makes sense. My post was really relating the symptoms of conversion disorder to her symptoms. I totally understand why someone would get annoyed at families and friends diagnosing and suggesting treatments.

But one of teh symptoms of conversion disorder is someone not really seeming to care about their illness - and in a strange way that describes her. Its like its not being able to walk that bothers her, what bothers her is being told it has a psychological cause.

But I am not a medic, so i will suggest conversion disorder to DP and leave it to DP to talk to family and take it from there.

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