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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP invited to his cousin's "3 day bender" stag do in Bognor.

154 replies

misty0 · 01/02/2012 20:33

Not exactly an AIBU as i havnt said anything much yet. DP has just received a text from a cousin (who he vary rarely sees) inviting him to said stag do. Cousin is 10 years younger than DP. Dont know who else is going. It's two weeks after we get back from our honey-moon. DP is seeking my blessing rather than 'permision'.

We are invited to the cousins wedding this summer. We both attended the (huge expensive) engagement do last summer but i never met the bloke as he spent the night crashing round the place like a drunk teenager (can you tell i'm unimpressed ? Grin)

Not thrilled about it the stag do, but dont want to be a cow about it either.

Words of wisdom please?

OP posts:
Oggy · 01/02/2012 20:35

Give him your blessing would be my words of wisdom.

Why are you not thrilled? If it's money concerns then I can understand but if its just that you don't approve or don't want him away for 3 days or only want to go away together as a couple then I think YABU.

Kayano · 01/02/2012 20:37

Do you have a reason that you don't want him to go other than 'I'm not thrilled'

Like financial
Childcare etc etc?

If not and you can afford it why not?

OhdearNigel · 01/02/2012 20:38

Have you got kids ? If not, have a fan-bloody-tastic weekend with your mates. If you do, see if you can get babysitting for a couple of the evenings and do lovely things with them in the day.

I am jealous - I love it when DH goes away (ie. things remain where I leave them - clean !)

Original poster
misty0 · 01/02/2012 20:43

Thanks all. This is what i needed.

Its not money worries. Its me being insecure tbh. I'm pretty sure there'll be a fair amount of strip club/lap dancing stuff on the aganda.

I love my DP. I trust him. But he does go with the flow epecially when the drink is flowing.

I suppose i know i just know i'll give him my blessing and he'll go and i'll spend the weekend fretting but try to stay smiley. Being bloody silly i know.

Sorry, i should have said this in the OP.

OP posts:
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 01/02/2012 20:45

I would not like DH doing that kind of thing so I understand your reservations. Not sure whether YABU or not, because if I was in your position, I would also be feeling unsettled about it.

Oggy · 01/02/2012 20:45

Ah, you need to give him your blessing then IMO.

Even if he does go with the flow to a strip club, its just a stag do thing, lots of men do that on a stag do but would never do it any other time.

If I had a friend having a hen do and it involved Chippendales (or similar) I would go along as its part of the hen do, but doesn't really mean anything.

AKMD · 01/02/2012 20:47

I wouldn't be thrilled about DH going to a strip club but then he wouldn't want to go so it isn't a problem. My honest opinion is that men who do go to places like that are immature and lame, and that it constitutes being unfaithful.

So YANBU to tell him how you feel.

FabbyChic · 01/02/2012 20:51

Bognor is harmless, old people retire there, its really quite dour!

Original poster
misty0 · 01/02/2012 20:52

Thanks again.

Yes, he's asked me why i'm concerned. I muttered about what goes on on stag do's. He replied he really likes his cousin, doesnt see him much and he's been on a 3 day SD before (before i met him, different bunch of lads) and it was alot of alcohol and go-carting and a big meal out. And his dad and his uncle went too.

Cant see his dad going on this one ...

OP posts:
Callisto · 01/02/2012 20:52

I wouldn't be happy about DH going on a three day bender to lap dancing strip clubs either and I would tell him. But then he wouldn't be happy if I went on this kind of jolly either so out of mutual respect (and because for both of us this kind of thing is hell on earth) we don't go on things like this.

Also agree with what AKMD says.

Original poster
misty0 · 01/02/2012 20:53

lol at Bognor.

I thought that after i wrote the strip club bit.

OP posts:
CumpyGrunt · 01/02/2012 21:04

I'd just let him go.

I know that's easy to say, & I'm the type who would probably have fretted in the past as well.

He's just shown you his commitment to you by marrying you a few weeks before.

If you haven't got kids, then you go & have a great time with your friends that weekend.

Or even stay in by yourself & eat exactly what you want & watch whatever you want on tv as well.

He will owe you one, to save up for when there is something you want to do & he doesn't, & anyway, he'll be 10 yrs older than his cousin's friends & will probably end up being Dad all night. Grin

squeakytoy · 01/02/2012 21:07

I'm pretty sure there'll be a fair amount of strip club/lap dancing stuff on the aganda.

I doubt it.. it is Bognor.. it is Butlins and crazy golf.. not Las Vegas.

SiamoNellaMerda · 01/02/2012 21:11

I went to Bognor recently. It was closed.

Grin

Don't worry OP - they'll be hard pressed to find anything too racy down that way!

molly3478 · 01/02/2012 21:15

I would definitely want DH to go if his family/friends were going, the same as he would for me. I wouldnt feel insecure about it in the slightest tbh. if you love and trust someone then you can let them go anywhere and not have any fears or doubts. You cant live your life that way.

TupperwareTwat · 01/02/2012 21:19

YANBU.

My DH has been on many lads' weekends and stag do's and I have had 'hen do' opportunities but have never indulged as I feel it is a waste of my precious time and money.

A few years ago he went on my cousin's 3 day stag do to Edinburgh. I knew many of the party and although I was annoyed about the money and the fact that it was a 3 day party he did go with my blessing.

Call me naive but it never even occurred to me that a visit to a lap-dancing club would be in the itinerary, but on his return, I found out to my horror that it was Shock

There were just 3 dissenters from the group, my DH was not one of them Sad Apparently, everyone elses wife was cool with the lapdancing cos thats just what happens on stag do's Hmm

I have never got over this. I have never sexy danced for him since this happened. That was something special between us and he ruined it.

If he ever goes on another stag weekend or lads only weekend I will be getting the removal men in. Enough is enough and I deserve better.

CumpyGrunt · 01/02/2012 21:19

I still think he'll end up playing Dad while his cousin gets wasted.

The cousin has form for it, doesn't he.

squeakytoy · 01/02/2012 21:24

I have to laugh.. I really do.

There is far more chance that a bloke will pull in a pub or a nightclub, than he would in a lapdancing club. And that is only if a bloke WANTS to cop off with anyone anyway.. if you think your fella is likely to be led astray by a wanton lapdancer, or is going to succumb to the charms of any random woman in a pub, then there isnt much of a relationship in the first place.

You either trust someone, or you dont. If you do, then you dont own them, and you cannot "permit" them to do anything. If you dont trust them, then why bother anyway.

SiamoNellaMerda · 01/02/2012 21:25

Grin and Shock @ 'sexy danced for him'

Do what?

Is it 'parallel universe' time again on MN?

troisgarcons · 01/02/2012 21:26

sniggers

molly3478 · 01/02/2012 21:29

I used to work in a strip club on reception and a woman came in and threw herself at the bouncer and was screaming her bfs name and actually physically barging in to the bouncer. her bf came out and she was screaming at him and trying to scratch him saying 'you have seen another girls boobs there is no point in us going out' with make up down her face and in hysterics. I thought it was a slight major overreaction and we all found it quite amusing.

Her bf looked like he wanted to die he hadnt had a private dance and was just having a pint with his mates.

Original poster
misty0 · 01/02/2012 21:30

Thanks.

Kids - just to fill you in - i have 3 teen DDs, he is step dad to them.

Just had a chat with him about it. It very nearly turned into a bicker. He wanted to know why i didnt trust him. He said he's been to those places in the past and found them expensive and a waste of time. He has told me that before. I said what about private lap dances? He got shirty and upset and was all "So you think i'd do that?!" I said no i trust you, but what if every other bloke was going in for one. He said he wouldnt ... he has a mind of his own.

He said he'd trust me and would be happy for me to go see the Chipendales. I said the Chipendales are not the same as a lap dancing club. We disagreed about that for a while. Then my eldest DD chipped in that she would be too happy about her BF going to one of those places but would feel better after a chat about it with him to reasure.

Thank God for eldest DDs Grin The mood lightened and DP agreed the Chippendale's are not like a strip club. He's made me a cup of tea.

So ... he's going on the SD. I'm telling myself to act my age and have faith in him.

OP posts:
Woodlands · 01/02/2012 21:30

I met a friend for coffee this morning - she has two kids (aged 5 months and 4) and her husband is off on a week long stag do, snowboarding in a really expensive French resort. Now that I would be pissed off about! But I really don't think you have too much to worry about - honestly, he'll be fine and will just have a massive hangover...

ledkr · 01/02/2012 21:31

Id have a problem with the lap dancing if it is going to happen that is,because we have 2 daughters and im sure he wouldnt like them to be ogled by blokes when they are older. Its a feminist issue for me but dh wouldnt like it anyway.
The having nights away and pissing it up you will probably have to just put up with but as others say make sure you have your own fun too.