To be upset/ not upset enough when dd was bitten at nursery

[spicymum]

Hi all

When I went to pick up dd (16m) from nursery yesterday, they took me aside before I saw her to say there'd been "a biting incident", then showed me the 2 big bite marks on her face. It was apparently a 2.5yo who had "misunderstood" what dd was doing (trying to grab a toy, probably). My first reaction was pretty calm, "don't worry, these things happen" - possibly partly relief as my first thought had been that dd was the biter

But later the crazy mummy emotions kicked in, when I got a good look at her poor face. The bites didn't draw blood thank god, but she has 2 pretty nasty circular bruises, and one bit is grazed. The thing I got upset about was that she was bitten twice, i.e. the attendants didn't notice/ get there in time to stop the second. It is not a huge nursery, there were 5 or 6 children there yesterday and 3 adults. Dh is pretty angry about it, and wants me to speak to the nursery (though not sure what what I'd say or ask of them).

Thing is I have no idea how common or serious this type of incident is - I don't have much experience of nurseries or 2 year olds for that matter.

So this is a double AIBU I guess - AIBU (and probably suffering from PFB syndrome) to be annoyed that they didn't intervene quicker? Or AIBU to not be more outraged than I am? I really can't tell if I'm over- or underreacting! What would people do/have people done in a similar situation?

YANBU to be upset. The two bites could have happened very quickly and it IS very common for children to bite, no that doesn't make it okay and I hope that the parent's of the bitey child have been informed.

YWBU to go nuclear over this. It really does happen often, its not nice but can be managed.

I would have a word with the nursery staff, not to demand they do something but to ask what procedures they have in place to deal with this.

I think your response is perfectly normal, you flitting between "it happens" and "OMG IT HAPPENED TO MY CHILD" - that's okay!

Even if its common, even so common its a usual problem and even if you know that, you're still going to be upset. Normal response.

YANBU to be upset, it's horrible when your child is hurt.

However, these things do happen with small children. The bites could have happened very quickly, your DD might not have cried out immediately, the adults could have been busy/distracted at the time. It isn't possibly to have eyes on every child at all times.

Agree with the tone of common sense from the previous posters.

How is your DD spicy? Can totally appreciate that you would feel torn between "these things happen" and "how dare they hurt my child". My DD shut her fingers in the door at nursery and was apparently quite upset. I felt sick that she had been hurt but had to accept that no-one was at fault as like Rita says it is impossible to watch every child for every second of the day.

I agree that you should calmly speak to nursery and ask what procedures are in place for instances of biting. Although I appreciate that biting is common I would want to know that the biter's parents had been informed so that behaviour can be monitored etc.

YANBU to be concerned your child was bitten... it is awful and painful. However my son was a terribly bitey child.... We tried ignoiring it, distracting him, telling him off, removing him from teh incident, over praising good behaviour or when he went to bite and didnt, fusing over the child that had been bitten.... It was truely horrid. TBH in the end he grew out of it and I think it was down to things like frustration as he had speech problems, and he had probelms with his ears and apparently this can cause biting as well. My DS is a lovley boy (4 now no biting!) and very very caring so it doesnt mean that the child who bit was naughty. Sometimes these things can happen v fast, although me and DH became aware of a face that he used to pull before he bit, so if he was getting excited when he was younger we would watch out for the "face" to avoid him biting!

I think you could talk to the nursery to find out if this child is a "biter". it might have been a one off expression of frustration, or if this child does bit reguarly, find out what they are doing to help avoid it, etc. YANBU to want to protect your child, but one incident doesnt mean it is going to happen again. Talk to the nursery and see their response and how they deal with it.

DH can always speak to the nursery as well if he doesnt feel that you are as cross as he is.

Thanks all for the responses. Very reassuring - I was feeling guilty for not going more batshit crazy over it.

Timothy - dd was fine apart from the bruises by the time I saw her (not sure how long ago it had happened) and they said she wasn't too upset by it. Dh and I seem more bothered by it than she does!

loie - I totally get that it can be a one-off, and don't really blame the child or parents at all. I think the child is new so the nursery doesn't know if it's a pattern or not.

I'll have a word with them and find out what they'll do in future. They have said they will write a formal report to both us and the biter's parents.

DS has been bitten a couple of times at nursery and my reaction was pretty much the first one you had. The carers were really apologetic, DS had cried at the time but had cuddles and was fine when I saw him- it is a really good nursery with small numbers and I don't think they could have stopped it. When they rang me up to tell me I was relieved that that was all it was ( did think that maybe I had under reacted!) - wasn't sure what I was supposed to say. I was relieved that DS wasn't the biter to be honest.

I don't see what you would want to say/achieve by having more words with the nursery- unless you think they had done something wrong either in putting your child at risk in the first place or in how they reacted

I should add that DS got bitten by a child when i was in charge as well and I know there was nothing i (or the other child's mother ) could have done to stop it

yanbu to have had a massive reaction - yanbu to later on be upset - biting seems so primitive and horrific...but tbh you might want to prepare for your dc becoming a bit bitey himself - there was an epidemic of it at my dc's nursery and I went from being really upset at the bitemarks on her arm to being ashamed when she turned around and bit another child. It is horrible, but very normal..

tom - sounds like you went through the same set of emotions I did. tbh I hadn't thought of talking to them further until dh mentioned it. I don't think it'll make a huge difference in itself, but hopefully will help put my mind at rest.

smithereenies - thanks for the warning, I hadn't thought of that. Oh dear, the terrible 2s don't sound like fun at all :)

I don't want to go against the grain, but it does seem quite unpleasant. If you went to work and someone bit you, would you want to go into work again next day? Of course you can't expect two-year-olds to understand that it's wrong to bite, I don't mean that, I just mean it's odd that we sometimes expect our children to put up with stuff we wouldn't put up with ourselves. Like being bitten on the face.

I do think you/your dh might feel better if you talked to them at the nursery - as others have said biters can often give out signals that the nursery could look out for...our nursery had a policy of not telling who the biter/bitten was to the parents but sometimes it was quite clear...they actually nicknamed one boy 'jaws'! The biters usually give up once they can communicate verbally, and of course your ds may never be a 'jaws'..but meantime you might want to do the 'no biting' talk with him...

No, they didn't tell me who the biter was either - though I didn't really want to know anyway, thought it would make things awkward if I bumped into the parents...
I'll have a go at the 'no biting' chat with dd but I don't think she'll really know what I'm on about! (yet anyway)