To not allow my child to fly to the states

[trustissues75]

Ugh, where to start. I've just about had enough and at my wit's end. In a nutshell my not so DH abandoned me and my son in the UK in March 2010. Since then he has quit his job, moved to the USA, lied, cheated, witheld all of our belongings save for a couple of small bags of clothes. He has bullied me, told me unless I send the boy to the states that he would go for full custody and have son removed permenantly from the UK. He has mad an application in the states trying to make out I've abducted our son, he has lied about his finances, he has lied about how this all came about. He has consistently ignored my solicitors correspondance, has tried to say I've secreted son away from him because I wouldn't give him our exact address out of fear of abduction, has tried to discredit me with my solicitor and has gotten his lawyer to call me personally to try to talk to me about me "refusing to share time" with our son. He has ignored a residence order issued here in the UK and denys any knowledge of it. He has refused to come and visit (supervised as per solicitors' advice) refuses to skype with son (lawyer has told him not to). He calls twice a week. He has made accusations of child abuse, of me being on antipsychotic medications (I'm not). We have a concilliatory hearing next week at the court to try to sort out visitation, but he wont be appearing because he denys that he's had any correspondance from the court. He left us with nothing. And now, to top it all, he has stopped sending child support (verbal agreement) unless I put the boy on a plane. He knows that doing this will put us at risk of homelessness and some days I seriously consider agreeing to his demands and sending the boy over...against the advice of every lawyer/solicitor I've spoken to. I just can't take any more. Every day I question myself: whether I am the bitch he's making me out to be, whether I am the bad mother he makes me out to be, whether it's me who's perception is screwed. I've just had enough and really dont' know what to do anymore.

Let him blow a gasket. Please do not put your son on a plane. I know you are brow beaten, but your ex is trying to bully you into giving up your son because he knows he has no other way of doing it. From what you describe he has no grounds to file an application under the hague convention. This means you are in control which I would imagine is driving your ex into frothing madness. I know you are feeling worn down by the relentlessness of the bullying though. Is there someone who can act as a buffer between you - including your solicitor if necessary - tell your ex to direct his communications to them. He will blow a gasket again because he knows he won't be able to bully, manipulate and speak to them the way he does to you, but you won't be exposed to the gasket blowing anymore.

I know you are frightened, but please don't put your son on a plane.

OP - he is just trying to be a bully and a blowhard, and he knows you are stressed so he is trying to tip you over the edge.

I am american so I have had the misfortune to meet some jerks like this!

Please tell him if he continues to be abusive, all correspondence about custody will be going thru the attorneys. He can call his son but if he tries to say nasty things about you, all he will get is ensuring he never will get visitation.

If he is in the military, you can contact his commanding officer and they can also help you try and get him to stop harrassing you.

Fortunately he's blocked his email - so i don't have to deal with him repeatedly asking me to send him to the states but I've tried to keep in contact for issues that arise with the boy. This man won't even coordinate what we buy for Christmas/birthday for goodness sake. Him stopping child support is just the final straw.

Just to make it clear - the boy was born in the Usa but has never lived in the state where the petition has been filed and hasn't been in the Usa since 2010.

Military - unfortunately i have no recourse since he was a civilian for them - they couldn't even ship our personal belongings to us ( which included my photography equipment so i could carry on with my career).

You're RL friends are right you have to detach. If you don't engage, he can't try to bully you. Any correspondence that needs dealing with can be done via your solicitor. Any that doesn't can go into the file called Fuckwit.

He is not suddenly going to turn into a reasonable human being, you have to wise up to this and stop trying to engage with him or anything. Coordinating presents is way down the list of your priorities right now. Your only concerns should taking care of yourself and your boy.

Do not even think about letting your boy out of the UK.

Your solicitor is correct, your boy has been living in the for over a year and the status quo is that he stays in the UK.

This man does not have superhuman powers, he has been wearing you down for a long time to suit his own purposes. He is a small, inadequate bully who is acting up because you have not just gone along with the script he wrote for you.

You have been more than reasonable, you have RL support, your solicitor's advice and now MN, you are not alone. Stay strong you will get through this.

on anything
living in the UK

You have an interim residence order. Saty calm and ignore the pratt till the next hearing , f he doesn't show the order will likely be made permanent - everything else is just hot air. If you want to take a belt and braces approach as the solicitor to request a prohibited steps order (with custodial penalties for non-compliance e.g prison time!) to ensure he can't take the kid to the corner shop unsupevised cos of the abduction risk he poses.

Do not put that kid on a us bound plane till he's 18+.

Next finances - remove a key current mode of control. Financial worries combined with controlling mindgames = a really toxic mix for you and by extension, emotionally for your child. What do YOU need to do to ensure you are no longer dependent on ths asshat's money to provide for your child? Ideas below:-
Start by checking benefits entitlements.
Could you move to a cheaper area/smaller property (say a 1 bed instead of a 2 bed flat).
get a lodger? Lots of It contractors in most cities want somewhere Mon-Fri to crash givng you back your privacy at weekends.
Move in with extended family for a while
Get a better paid job (even if it's doing summat you hate for a year or 2).
Cut bills/groceries/transport to the bone.

Remember a kid only really needs a stable emotional environment, a rainproof shelter, shoes on feet and food on the table to be happy. You can probably deal with less than your ideal living standards for a year or 2 while you rebuild (you sound resourceful so I'm sure you climb back up in time!). Allowing this bullying git to mess with your head sounds intolerable for a minute longer.

Keep the child's passport in a bank box or at your Mum's house, not on your own premises. Possesion is 9/10 of the law - he abandoned you and left the child in your care, the relevant judicial juristiction approves. You are sorted on that front - turn your attention to your finances and stop letting a blustering bully distract you from raising your child to the best of your ability.

This is about mind games not the child's welfare - if it were he'd be willing to come to the UK to see his child at the earliest opportunity and be paying child support regular as clock work. Caring parents will do anything for their kids, until he can see it's not about him but about his child's welfare he's not being a parent in any sense of the word.

Helen and bochead

Thank you for getting me out of the fear/panic/guilt cycle. You've made some very good points (I wish I could deliniate a situation and put it into practical terms as well as you can)

Some good suggestions on what I can do to remove his last bit of control...I'm already working on them this morning.

Thanks so much everyone...this has been dragging me down for months now.

Do keep a paper trail of what he has said, print email or put on a memory stick. Then just put away in an envelope, don't look at them, so you have evidence if you ever need it.

Well done!