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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel fed up when people keep asking me if i've got a job yet

29 replies

longlongway · 31/01/2012 11:13

My youngest dd started school in September. I have been off work since i had my ds 7 years ago. I really enjoy being a SAHM, loved it when they were babies and the whole toddler thing. Although it would be nice to have a bit more money, we have a good life and pay the bills. My dh is happy with our situation and very against the dc going to before and after school childcare. I am starting to feel that a lot of people think what i do is unworthwhile.

OP posts:
catgirl1976 · 31/01/2012 11:15

Do you think what you do is worthwhile?

JaneMare · 31/01/2012 11:18

i got pissed off with people asking me the same question, so i now tell them i'm going to shag the window cleaner, the washing machine repair man and inbetween eat many cakes and lie on the sofa Grin

it's no-one elses business what i get up to when DCs are at school

lesley33 · 31/01/2012 11:21

Have you implied you are looking for a job? Just wondered as I would ask if someone said or implied they were looking as I would be trying to show an interest. But otherwise YANBU - just tel them you are having a great time being a "lady who lunches".

aldiwhore · 31/01/2012 11:22

Unfortunately you'll get this, it will range from gently humour born of either envy or lack of understanding, to full on judgement that you must not only be lazy, you're also a leech, a bit thick, lacking in aspiration and even 'not a proper woman' (because a proper modern woman would rather die than SAH).

Ignore it all.

I AM looking for work because I want to. But if people dare to say "look at you with your hair done (I mean WTF?) you must have too much time on your hands" I have started telling them that I don't have to justify anything to anyone else and I'm not the reason for their lack of happiness so back off.

For the gentle quips, I make ones in return with a smile "Not got a job yet?" well, "Not if it will make me as miserable as you!" for example.

The fact is, decent people don't care what you do with your life. My best friend works crazy hours, we don't judge each other.

Miserable bastards, busybodies, world haters and those that harp on about choice yet bombard insults with anyone who does anuything differently... ignore them. You won't change them.

Who gives a stuff what they think? Let them think you're useless, the spite they spew doesn't wash with most people. Dignified, proud, silence. You know you're not worthless.

gwendolinefairfax · 31/01/2012 11:27

well said Aldiwhore. People who care would want to know if you're happy as you are.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 31/01/2012 11:27

They are probably just making conversation to be fair. I think most people do start to look for work when youngest starts school. Just say "No, I'm not looking." and change the subject.

longlongway · 31/01/2012 11:31

So lovely to read your replies. I do think what i do is worthwhile and i am sure my dh definately benefits from me being able to get stuff done during the day and come to a relaxed house (usually!).

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 31/01/2012 11:34

I think some people are just making conmversation ghoul so I go easy on them, but there are couple of haggard looking martyrs at our school who are venomous to everyone regardless of what they do.. so I don't much listen to them. I'm pretty confident and comfortable with my choices though, some people are more easily upset by the harping harrodans.

WorraLiberty · 31/01/2012 11:36

I'm a SAHM with school age children and I very occasionally have someone ask if I intend to go back to work.

I simply say no because our family situation suits us down to the ground. DH earns enough for us all to live on and the kids get to come straight home from school and spend their school holidays at home too, rather than with an employed carer.

It works for us and we're all happy so I really don't mind people asking me.

aldiwhore · 31/01/2012 11:42

I think I must have a bee in my bonnet today Worra the harroden in question collared me today.

I look shocking because I'm ill, I'm on the school run because that's what I do in the morning, I won't be taking a day off, there's no sickness pay, and so the eff what if I haven't even put my face on, my skin is red and cracked and sore! Yes, I'm shiney, its vaseline. These aren't PJ's they're 'loungwear' (lol) and no actually today I have no time on my hands at all. Envy me? Well that's okay I guess, but you're envying me for the wrong reasons you twat.

And breathe...

Ephiny · 31/01/2012 11:43

People are probably just trying to make conversation in most cases. You don't have to justify your choices to anyone though, that's between you and your DH, and no one else's business really.

I'd politely say 'no, not looking at the moment' or 'no, we're happy with things as they are', and change the subject if you don't want to discuss it any more.

If they keep going on about it after that, then they're being rude, and one of the put-downs above may be appropriate :)

longlongway · 31/01/2012 12:02

Thanks everyone. I think i am noticing it more because we have just seen a load of old friends, all of whom are back at work. I had all the comments about how they would be brain dead staying at home with the baby, and how their babies were ready for the stimulation of nursery (obviously my dc and i are thick). Also get loads of comments from sister in law who is pregnant at the moment with her first.

OP posts:
WibblyBibble · 31/01/2012 12:06

You think it's bad now, wait until your husband runs off with a younger woman and then even the state will be demanding to know if you have a job because your kids are over 5 (or in fact, if you are a single parent, according to some of the psychos lovely still-married SAHMs on here, you will have been supposed to be working down t'mine since you left the hospital after giving birth, even if your husband was away shagging someone while you did that). So hey, not so bad when your husband is paying directly rather than through the tax system, is it? :D

OuchCharlie · 31/01/2012 12:09

It's the script! Can't remember where I read about this concept (I think it was Kellymom) but basically it's the theory that people feel the need to ask specific questions based on your current situation.

For example if you're single "haven't you got a boyfriend yet?"
If you've got a boyfriend "when are you getting married?/having kids?"
If you're pregnant "is it a boy or a girl?"
If you've just had a baby "is she a good baby/is she sleeping through the night?"
Etc etc

People often don't know what else to say/ask about (since having DS I sometimes plan a list of questions to ask/things to talk about with friends in case there's a lull in conversation) its not you, it's them!

minimisschief · 31/01/2012 12:40

Try being a sahd its even worse.

gramercy · 31/01/2012 12:47

Oh, I have this a lot.

If it's just an interested question, fine, but some people's comments (and it is always other women) are so sneering. The woman up the road visibly curled her lip at me when she heard I was a SAHM. She drawled on about how she could never let her brain rot blah de blah. Without pausing for breath or to see the irony, she went on to say how her mother comes to her house to look after her children five days a week.

BabyGiraffes · 31/01/2012 13:23

OuchCharlie Brilliant, you are so right!
I think people are just Envy. Ignore! Smile

kerstina · 31/01/2012 14:00

Although I worked from my ds being 2 until 5 I have been a sahm for a few years now and have had a few direct questions but really it is none of their business really. It does rankle with me I am not quite sure why. Perhaps because they make me feel unambitious which I probably am !
I feel I am really lucky though and not in a rush to go back to work full time.
I am happy to do most of the housework and be responsible for ds on week days so dp does not have to worry about attending things at school and for school run.
I do a bit of voluntary work and make cards and note books to sell.
Aldiwhore love what you have said you made me feel better too Smile

mumofthreekids · 31/01/2012 14:02

Is it possible that some of these people are trying to "warn" you that, if you may want to return to work at some point in the future, it might be better to start thinking about it now rather than in 10 years' time? There was a thought-provoking AIBU thread about this recently.

Btw I'm a SAHM myself and love it, so if you are happy with things as they are I'm not judging you at all! Just pointing out another possible interpretation of these remarks.

YusMilady · 31/01/2012 14:08

They're just jealous.

I know I am!

legallyblond · 31/01/2012 14:08

Well, I would just ignore provided you are happy with the situation (which I totally understand btw).

I have, at the ripe old age of 30, decided that I will no longer apologise or bother pretending when people disagree.... nor will I try and make them feel bad for that matter by replying with anything sarcastic or belittling.

I would be totally honest and say "I am not looking for a job as we feel it is still important for someone to be at home at the moment, just to manage the house and be there at the end of school etc". If that's the truth, that's fine!!!

Really, I wouldn't let it ranckle. If you are secure you're doing the right thing, there's no need.

Totally different, but I get a LOT of snide remarks from SIL about "still" breastfeeding my DD who is 15 months. I am confident that I am doing the right thing. So I just let it go.

legallyblond · 31/01/2012 14:12

Oh and DH is a SAHD. Said SIL also gives the "my DS (5 months) is ready for the stimulation and social interaction of nursery". Whatever. Their choice. My DD is greatly benfitting from being at home with a parent, but I wouldn't bother saying that to anyone! Its enough that me, DH and DD know that Smile

Mishy1234 · 31/01/2012 15:48

YANBU. If you are and your DH are with how things are then that's all that matters. It's really nice to be around before and after school for your kids and I'm sure you'll have no problems filling the hours in between with whatever you fancy!

Ignore. They are likely just a bit envious.

nickelhasababy · 31/01/2012 15:50

how about "the jobless figures have gone up again - why would you want me to take a job from someone who needs to earn money to look after their family?"

toddlerama · 31/01/2012 15:55

I just tell people I'm too busy for a job and swan off.

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