to have ignored our anniversary today?

[Bogeyface]

2 years ago today we had our wedding.

6 months later he was having a text affair with his ex GF. I found out last July (posted as WTFdoido and also as Bogeyface on Relationships). We celebrated our anniversary last year despite him being in the thick of his affair because I had no idea.

So, the kids make us cards (which I loved and thought were lovely :) ) and my mum and dad sent a card and bottle of wine. He bought me a bouquet and a card with alot in it about how he is trying to sort things out, make me believe in him again etc. He is trying, I wont go into details but it isnt just lipservice. But I didnt do anything and I know he is a little hurt.

But really, why should I celebrate it? I dont feel that at the moment there is anything to celebrate apart from the fact that we are not divorced....yet!

So, AIBU?

Forgive my ignorance, but what in the name of suffering Jesus is a text affair?

Not remotely unreasonable. I did something similar following a comparable situation. Take your time and then if you can reconcile properly it won't be forced. Good luck.

Sexting, photos, videos etc, didnt meet up because I found out. Cant think of a better way to put it.

Ooh that is grim. I thought it might gave just been excessive texting...so on that basis YANBU.

It must be really difficult, Bogeyface but if you and your husband have decided that you're going to try to save your marriage, I suppose some thought should go into what you're going to do with significant 'dates' such as anniversaries and birthdays, etc. I'd probably feel the same way as you do but to that end, I'd say to my husband something like, "Look, I'm not ready to celebrate 'us' at the moment so I'm not going to go in for cards/gifts/special meals, etc., it doesn't feel right".

There's something a bit 'off' about one person 'trying' and one person not; even if it's understandable, I think that sore feelings can potentially ricochet into hurt misunderstandings and an escalation of 'don't care anymores'.

You're not being unreasonable, of course you're not, but I think that you need to look at what your relationship is and what you want it to be - and then communicate that and behave accordingly. It's tough though, you must be feeling so shattered and let down. I hope that the worst patch is over now.

Thanks Lying. I did wonder if I should have said something , and thats why I posted. tbh it wasnt until the kids came home with the cards that it even crossed my mind! And then he came home with the flowers etc and I realised that I had sort of assumed that he realised that I wasnt interested this year.

I did say thank you and explained why i hadnt done anything, and I did say I appreciated what he was doing.

Hmm, I will talk to him again tomorrow evening about it and perhaps there comes a time to let the bitterness go about such dates, but it is all still so raw. I have another six months of "first anniversaries" regarding his affair to go yet, so celebrating our wedding day seems laughable. But i should have communicated that and I didnt, so thank you again for pointing that out :)

I have just realised that I have done the thing I really hate people doing to their OHs and that is expecting them to be mind readers and feeling pissed off or hard done by then they're not!

Need to stop doing that for a start!

I agree with Lying. If you've made the decision to give it a go with your DH, I think you need to do it whole-heartedly. I'm not saying it can instantly go back to being the same as before though - you'll need time to build the trust back up.

If you feel unable to celebrate your anniversary because it feels too 'fake' to pretend you've been blissfully happy together for the last 2 years, YANBU. But are you (as well as him) making an effort in other ways to get your marriage back on track? Perhaps organise a meal out, not specifially for your anniversary but just for the two of you to have a nice evening together?