to think there should be an affordable way of sorting out contact?

[splashymcsplash]

My dd is 16 months old. Despite all my efforts to get her father involved in her life he doesn't see her except for very sporadic visits. I have told him he is welcome to see her, tried to set up a visitation schedule, set up visitation on mutually agreed dates. He just doesn't turn up 90% of the time. His last excuse was he 'slept in'. Ffs he hadn't seen his daughter in 6 weeks.

Now he is trying to say I deny him contact, because when he calls me at 10pm and demands to see her the next day I tell him that I already have plans and he needs to make arrangements in advance. I think he makes unreasonable demands like just so that he can pretend to himself and others that he is trying to be a father.

People tell me to go to court to sort out visitation. Now it's all very well saying that but my local solicitors cost £200 + VAT an hour. I'm a single mum and a student so no way I can afford this. I don't think I would be entitled to legal aid due to the childcare allowance I get so I can study - this is money that goes straight on childcare and I don't see at all (at least I should be receiving it shortly..).

Should there be an affordable way for single parents to access support to make visitation arrangements? or does this exist and nobody has told me about it?

Have you definitely checked you can't get legal aid? Get a free legal advice consultation first of all. Just google it in your area to find someone. That consultation will give you all the information you need, in terms of organising visitation rights. They are usually very good in my experience. They will also tell you if you can get legal aid.
Good luck xx

I wouldn't do anything. If he calls and you don't have plans so can accommodate him, do so. If you do have plans and you can't, don't. Make a record of it all - keep texts/emails, make a note of phone calls and what was said, etc. That's all you need to do. If he wants more, he'll take you to court himself.

Your DD has a right to contact with her father. It's not the case that he has a right to see her that takes precedence over your life as primary carer. If he won't stick to a visitation schedule then he has to make plans in advance. It is unreasonable to demand a visit with less than 24 hours notice and I suspect you are bang on the nail about his motives.

Sadly, you cannot make him be a good father, and neither can any court in the land. A court can can grant him the legal right to contact but it can't make him take it up.

I have a sneaking suspicion that a formalized agreement would be less than useful anyway. If he wanted to see her, he'd turn up when he'd arranged to. Apiece of paper from the court won't change that.

Ladyeatscrisps no I'm not completely sure, but I suspect that would be the case now. When you say free legal advise consultation do you mean the CAB or something else?

Sunshine he calls when I am either at university the next day (which he would know) or once asked to see her at the weekend when I had already got tickets to take dd to an event. I even offered to email him the confirmation of the tickets to prove I had booked them.

I know I can't make him be a good father, but I was hoping that perhaps mediation might help him see some sense? Or something similar?

Experience has taught me that you'll be wastin your time with mediation, but as a mother I also understand your wish to do right by your child and know that you have done everything possible to facilitate contact. I was the same and tried to make my X take an active role for 2 years before I admitted defeat.

Offer mediation and see what happens. He may surprise you. OTOH, if he doesn't, stop pushing. You don't have to be obstructive but just stop chasing him. You'll only set your DD up for a greater fall when she realises the daddy she's come to know and have expectations from really CBA and has only done so because you made him.

Its' hard, I know, but it's down to him.

Sunshine how would I access mediation? That's what I have no idea about right now, as far as I know you need a solicitor referral.

Well if he wants contact and takes you to court you can self represent for free.

Could it work better if you text him and ask if he was free or x or y to see dd giving him a week or so notice. You could even stipulate a day to let you know by so it doesn't leave you hanging around?

Not CAB, but a proper solicitor who will give a free consultation, usually for half an hour. There is no obligation to instruct them at all. Google your local area for free legal advice. I have been to two now for different reasons but still family law experts. X

I meant to add mediation will usually cost you for the consultation. Get the free advice first!

Try calling your local Cafcass office and explain your situation, they may be able to help with mediation and arranging access at a contact centre.

you can self-refer to many if not all family mediation services; and can find your nearest one using this linky:

www.nfm.org.uk/where-is-my-nearest-service?view=location

They usually operate by having a one-to-one with you first (now known as an information and assessment meeting), there is a one-off fee for this, but they can assess your finances and if you are entitled to free mediation, then this session is free as well.
They then invite your ex to a one-to-one; if he accepts, the mediator meets with him and then decides if the case is suitable for mediation. If so, you will then be invited to a joint session.

Why are you assuming you won't qualify for free legal help? Let the solicitor assess you. Some childcare costs are deductible. If you don't qualify, see if you can pay for an hour of advice from a trainee solicitor or paralegal. That's likely to be cheaper.

Also, legal aid for contact proceedings is supposedly going to be stopped soon, except in cases of domestic violence. As such, it would be a good idea for you to get in there now. If it gets stopped, it won't matter how low your income is, you still won't get it.

Lastly, you would probably only need general advice at this stage anyway. As your DC lives with you, it would be the father who'd need to 'sort things out'. You can't make him have contact with his child.

I'd say unfortunately, there is not a lot you can do. I spent time and money on Solictors etc and a Court Order was put in place that my ex would see our children on 2 set days a week.

90% of the time he didn't turn up. Then I started getting phonecalls asking the see them at different times and at short notice.

The only thing that worked for me was saying to him "if you want to see them on Sunday, you need the let me know by Thursday". And I also said if he hadn't seen them for weeks and weeks, I may have made plans so the answer wouldn't always be 'yes'.

Good luck.