Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need Some Perspective Please

17 replies

TotallyUnsure · 30/01/2012 12:00

Please note...... am grieving and seriously emotional today :( Lost a beloved relative at the weekend on Saturday and need someone to tell me i am being unreasonale (or not!)

We were supposed to be out to dinner with husbands relatives Saturday night..... as a result of finding out about his death and being at the house while the people came to take his body away, day my husband called to cancel us being there. he then pursuaded me to go saying that i needed to have a nice time....Hmm

last night i found out that his family had said and texted him saying 'oh well leave her with her family if thats where she wants to be but i dont see why you cant come'. AIBU to be upset by this?

i have always tried really hard to get on with in-laws.

OP posts:
BaronessBomburst · 30/01/2012 12:05

No, YANBU. That was crass, insensitive and stupid. I would be upset and angry with them too. Maybe they just weren't thinking and regret it now.

I'm sorry for your loss. It must be difficult for you. It's always hard to know how to behave too - whether to put on a brave face to cope, or to let yourself cry. :(

squeakytoy · 30/01/2012 12:05

Sorry for your loss.

Are those the exact words, or could it have been more along the lines of your husband saying you wanted to to be with your family, and they understood that, and were saying he would be welcome to go alone, if you were supporting and being supported by relatives of your own.

It is all in the context, and if they are normally ok, then it could just be grief that is making their words seem more insensitive than they were intended to be.

Birdsgottafly · 30/01/2012 12:14

I am sorry for your loss.

"i have always tried really hard to get on with in-laws."

Stop trying. Don't be around them whilst you are grieving and vulnerable. This is were your DH has to step in, if it was put as you say.

To give a balanced view, unless you have lost someone (especially if you are not a nice person, anyway) you don't realise how bad it feels. But at the same time those that are grieving become easy targets. Look after yourself, grieve however it suits you, don't be told that you are wrong. Don't be scared to tell your DH that you need support.

Original poster
TotallyUnsure · 30/01/2012 12:17

Hey thanks for the replies... no it wasnt oh you can come if you still want! It was made out like i was being difficult because i no longer wanted to go - if i had notice i would have given it to them it was just a bit of a shock.

i know i am the evil wife that has taken the son away but we are married and i try every day to make him happy and to make everyone as happy as possible and the one time i inconvenience them and take time for myself, i find out just how little they think of me.

OP posts:
mrsmaltesers · 30/01/2012 12:20

That sounds highly unreasonable of them. Am so sorry for your loss.
They seem to be really insensitive.

Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 30/01/2012 12:20

he then pursuaded me to go saying that i needed to have a nice time....hmm

this is the only part I'm confused about - he persuaded you to go where?

sorry if I'm being dense and I'm sorry for your loss

Original poster
TotallyUnsure · 30/01/2012 12:22

Fuzzywuzzywozabear - to go out with them. He said it was what i needed to get my mind off things - DH is great, and i know he had me in his best intentions.

OP posts:
Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 30/01/2012 12:25

But I'm guessing because of your grief you refused?

If I'm correct, then YANBU and his family are very insensitive - DH probably did say it with good intentions but sometimes people read the situation completely wrong

look after yourself

Original poster
TotallyUnsure · 30/01/2012 12:38

No i went - i hated the idea of letting people down

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 30/01/2012 12:47

Until i was widowed (my first loss) i always thought that it would be best to get the person to go out and not 'wallow' in it Blush. Now i know, through my experiences and through training that grief has stages and the berieved need to go through those stages and how it is important to 'let them be'. I thinkthat this is what your DH probably thought.

You will just have to try to realise that it doesn't matter what the inlaws think of you. Start just trying to make yourself happy.

TroublesomeEx · 30/01/2012 15:11

OP, I'm really sorry to hear about your loss.

My grandma died just over 12 months ago. On the day she died, we had arranged for some friends to come over for the evening for a post New Year 'soiree'.

I was clearly in shock and spent the whole day telling DH that we shouldn't let them down and they should still come over. DH eventually gave up persuading me that I was in shock and that I might need us to spend a quiet evening by ourselves, that I would probably be exhausted by the end of the day... and agreed that they would all still come over.

It got to the evening and I was really beginning to think that DH might have been right after all and when I broached it with him, it turned out he'd already cancelled with our friends. Because he took responsibility for me and my emotional well being when I wasn't really in a position to do so.

Your DH and his family should have done the same for you. It does sound as though your DH felt under pressure from his family. That's not fair.

JustHecate · 30/01/2012 16:48

I think they were very selfish. You needed your husband to support and comfort you. I am very sorry for your loss.

I think you have perspective. You have every right to be upset by their attitude. They should have known that your husband's place was with you, not with them.

myheadsamarley · 30/01/2012 16:57

Ahh i'm very sorry... As much as we desperately might want them to, some people
cant/wont see beyond the ends of their noses. We cant change that butcan definitely allow them less of our thought and emotions. They do not deserve and are not worthy of your bewilderment and upset x

Original poster
TotallyUnsure · 30/01/2012 17:29

thanks everyone - i just am worried that because i am upset that i am overreacting. and i dont need any more drama right now!

My husband is so supportive and is so good to me. but when it comes tro his mother he is blind to it and i have been worried its me being a pain in the bum to him not that she is doing it on purpose, and with this weekend and you lovely people it has made me see clearer

OP posts:
OriginalJamie · 30/01/2012 17:34

I don't see why you can't come" - well I'd say that that's a pretty clear indication of lack of empathy - they can't see why you'd need your DH's support.

I think to keep yourself on an even keel right now you need to ignore them and react to your DHs actions. Those are what count right now.

Sorry for your loss

PocPoc · 30/01/2012 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springydaffs · 30/01/2012 18:23

I'm sorry for your loss.

Please don't try to please these people OP. They don't sound very nice - not worth pleasing tbh.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread