To wonder how much being under the same roof is enough in a family?

[Ouluckyduck]

the children are now 10, 8 and 5. How much is just being together under the same roof everybody doing their own thing enough, how much do you actively have to initiate things like board games and some such? What do you think?

I'm asking because I always have this niggling guikt that I should engage them somehow, even when they are quite happy.

If their happy doing their own thing then I would leave them to it. The 10 year old probably doesn't want to do the same thing as the 5 year old anyway, my 12 year old wouldn't with the 4 year olds twins. Guilt is a terrible burden isn't

Wait a few years and you'll be delighted on the odd occasion that they ARE under the same roof:):) Mine are teens now and are rarely together in the evenings. Sunday dinner is juggled around their weekend jobs just so that we all sit together once a week!

If they are happy, not bored and not spending their entire lives on computer games... relax! I HATE board games..hated them as a child and hate them just as much as a 40 something with 4 children. My children have managed to grow up into reasonable young people despite my groans of horror every time they waved Monopoly or shudder Cluedo at me.

Scrabble however is different and I am very competitive

Benign neglect is the way forward!

Thanks. I think I have felt guilty every day since my first dd was born.

Benign neglect is indeed the way forward!

Mothers always feel guilty-it is part of the job.

I've been thinking about this too - my DS is 11 and very self-sufficient and seems quite happy doing his own thing watching tv for an afternoon. Actually I love board games and often try to suggest one but usually get the 'no, thanks'. We've been in all afternoon and have done nothing together except watch a bit of Dancing on Ice. Did go out and about this morning, if that counts . DH is away on business but often we can all be at home in separate rooms doing our own thing.

Trying to find something that all enjoy doing together is actually quite difficult - DH and I love walking but DS doesn't, DH and DS will do sporty things together, DS and I like community type events ..........

We eat regular meals together, go on days out about once a month and shopping in town once a month, we read to them (even the oldest still), I listen to their music practice, I take them to their various activities, take them to school and pick them up every day... Yet still feel guilty.

So will anyone absolve me?

I don't think of it as "engaging them" I think of it more as a referee come peace keeping role, and some days feel like a light blue beret would be just the ticket.

Sounds like you are doing fine. Regular family mealtimes is a big thing in my opinion. Maybe you could make sure you do one other thing together as a family each weekend, either inside the house or a family outing? You could take turns choosing the activity?

Otherwise fine to leave them to it if they are happy, unless that means they are spending too much time in front of the TV / computer. Do you have issues with screen time?

No issues there, we have very clear limits on how much tv/computer is allowed.

Well I'm going to go against the grain and say I do carve out regular time for us to do things en famille. Ditto one to one time for each child and I, and each child and DH.

In an absurdly busy life I find it important for us all to touch base and discuss things.

Wordfactory I agree it is important - but do you think what I described we do in my earlier post sounds enough?

yes i do lucky. what's that saying - if it ain't broke, don't fix it

if you would feel better for doing something together, then do it for yourself. i regularly have enforced marches with no rations, otherwise known as going for a walk and feeding the ducks. i am the ONLY person in the house who wants to do this.

What about the moaning though if you do that?

I was just thinking, if I didn't have the internet I would feel really smug because we seem as a family to do way more than any family I know in real life. It's just Mumsnet that makes me feel inadequate!

ouluck you seem to do a fair bit together.
The meals together I envy. Due to time constraints and commitments, we can't do that.
Though perhaps my idealised version of it, is not quite the reality for many and dinner is just a bicker-fest...

We're big on walking at Casa Wordfactory, and walk most Saturdays and Sundays. We've done that since they could toddle and will continue til they leave home. Luckily we have countryside on our doorstep. This usually becomes the time when we all talk and plan.

I also insist that at least once during the weekend we all watch one program or movie together. Yesterday we watched a recorded episode of Treasure Island with Eddie Izzard (very good btw).

DH usually carves out time to be with them on his own at weekends too. They always ask to play footie with him. Last weekend they helped him build a huge bonfire in the garden.

I don't think it actually matters what you do, as long as it's peaceful and enjoyable and that there's some form of shared experience to it.

Similarly I think every child needs regular one on one time with each parent. It doesn't have to be long or 'fun'. Just space to talk and share. On Saturday DH took DS to the hairdressers while I drove DD to a sports meet. What's important is that you are actually listening, I think, not distracted.

All I do is ensure that we have actually found these windows of time, especially when our life can be eaten by sports commitments, homework/revision, social engagements.