WARNING, long, but trying to avoid drip feeding.
My MIL lives very close by in the same town and for a number of controlling, passive agrgessive and legitimate childcare reasons looks after SIL's kids almost full time outside of school (they are 9 and 11). This applies even when SIL is around but clearly can't be trusted arsed to do it herself and every other weekend (the kids are at their dad's the other weekends).
It is a given that whilst she/they have the kids (again, even if SIL is around and presumably would quite like some time alone with her kids) that MIL won't see DD1 or DH. This is unfortunate as DD1 (2) and her cousins love seeing each other & get on well despite the huge age gap.
She goes on about how she wants to see DD1 more and I have made a variety of attempts to enable this. Early on she wanted to take her away for long periods (3-4 hours at a time, 3 week old baby, breastfed, refused expressed milk from bottles, 6-7 hours at 3 months, same feeding as above) & got very upset when I suggested shorter outings or that I come too. Not sure why. When she does have her she walks around the shops with her strapped in the pushchair (I don't use it with her any more as she walks miles and loves it!) and buys her crap from poundland, doesn't change nappy etc. But I bite my tongue and let her get on. Also won't take her if it's raining, so used to being let down at the last minute anyway.
More recently I've tried to set something up, in discussion with her, that was more regular than the occasional visit, we have toddler activities 3 days a week, but on a Monday are done by 10.15 anyway. Thursday and Fridays are free, despite this, arrangements will start of well then fizzle, due to non shows by her after 2-3 weeks. DH takes a huff (so do I a bit), we don't see her for a while, then I try again, ususally in vain.
I'm a bit fed up now TBH and have been making less effort, believing that if she's that bothered she will take the initiative. After 3 weeks of nothing at all, she e-mailed (yes e-mailed!) to say that she'd come and fetch DD1 on Thursday. I called to explain that whilst this is normally fine, she had a birthday party to go to, would Friday be ok. Flat no. Suggested afternoons after nap (around 3.30) on days when SIL wasn't working, Flat no, had to get kids from school, do dinner, homework etc.
Away at seaside for weekend with SIL and her DCs (which they do nearly every weekend when they have access, at MIL's instigation/expense) so we invited long suffering and quite lovely fil over for dinner. He dropped into conversation that I should watch out as MIL was basically slagging me off to anyone who'd listen saying that I'm controlling and don't want her to see DD1 and that I'm far to strict and DD1's routine means she can't see her. I'm going to come unstuck when DC2 is born (March), let's see what happens, etc. DD is at the age where she won't nap anywhere but cot as it's too exciting, but gets overwrought and sad; not fair on her. Never mind that week before last she wouldn't pop over for an hour to see DD1 as other SIL was down for a visit (for 7 days) even though I offered to make lunch. She'd heard DD cough in the background and couldn't risk SIL's 6 month old baby getting a cold, I asked if just she could come and she laughed (??)
DH tried to address this in the summer with his incessantly calm approach, but she cried and shouted, saying she was too tired to talk about it!
What can I do, I WILL need help with DC2!!!???