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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate my DP going out with his mates?

27 replies

hattieboo2012 · 29/01/2012 01:53

My DP is in his early 40's, we been together just under a year, living together with no kids.

I am in my late 20's, overweight and average looking.

My dp has never given me reason to think he's being unfaithful. He leaves his phone everywhere and he regularly pays me compliments telling me I look nice/am beautiful, even when im not.

So the issue is that he goes outonce a month with 3 of his mates. They went to school together. All are in relationships, and two have kids with their partners. Those two also regularly cheat in their partners, and I hate DP going out with them. I feel they may encourage dp to go behind my back, although DP has swore blind he will never cheat on me, but then dont they all.

Also I sometimes catch dp checking out women while he's driving. I told him off for it and he's stopped but I can't help but think he's surrounded by all these gorgeous women in club right now in their sexy mini dresses and it makes me feel crap tbh. Just wondering if anyone else ever feels like this?

OP posts:
iscream · 29/01/2012 02:18

There is no point wasting time worrying about it. Why do they go to clubs? Are they dancing with woman there or what?

Personally, I would not want a dh or dp whatever, to be going to clubs to hang out, and in my case, I would not be with someone who does. As I am a jealous person and simply could not be with someone who did these things. I know myself well enough to have figured it out years ago. I would rather be single than be with someone how was out dancing and partying with other women. I don't really care what anyone else does, this is the way I can be at peace. My dh does hang out with his friends, but they only go to a bar if a band they like is playing,(rare, usually the venue would nit be a bar) the rest of the time they are jamming together at one guys place, or at a sports event.

Basically, you either have to ask him not to go to clubs with his friends, or else come to terms with him going and try and not waste time worrying about it. Worrying does nothing to stop his cheating if he wants to.

Just because his friends cheat, doesn't mean he will. My friend had no qualms about cheating, but I wouldn't ever cheat, she also was not interested in trying to get other people to cheat.

yellowraincoat · 29/01/2012 02:24

Hmm. I don't think the problem is him going out so much as your rock bottom self-esteem. Going out once a month is really not very often and everyone needs some time with people other than their partner.

You say all men "say" they'll never cheat but that it is meaningless. But it's not. I know my partner wouldn't cheat on me.

OK, his mates sound like arseholes - but is your partner really so weak willed that he'd cheat on your cos his friends said to? If he is, he's not really a good man to be going out with.

Regarding him looking at other women - I know some disagree with me, but I think this is normal. I check out others, so does my partner. We rib each other about it, sometimes the other rolls their eyes, sometimes we agree the person IS good-looking. I feel happy that we can both look at others and still trust that neither of us will stray.

Your confidence just seems to be nil. The fact that you are overweight and average looking is really not relevant to him cheating on you - most people are average looking after all!

I wonder if you should be in a relationship right now? You seem to have so many issues that you need sorting. You don't like yourself very much. You don't trust him or any other man. If I were you, I'd be thinking about spending some time alone to work through those issues before attempting a relationship.

Have you thought about doing a self esteem course?

LineRunner · 29/01/2012 02:28

I think it's true that what one person does is not necessarily what a friend who is with them does.

I shared a flat once with a girl who was a shameless cheater. She would take me out to meet all her circle of friends - she had to be surrounded by adoring men - and I would be sociable and have a drink and a chat but I just wasn't interested in that culture.

People who know me well know that about me.

Rubyl1978 · 29/01/2012 02:28

I know what your going through, its horrible to feel this way every time your partner goes out with friends who are single or dont mind cheating. Im a nervous wreck every time my partner mentions going out for the night. Its probably my own insecurities but I cant help but feel he will find someone better. I dont know how to deal with it either hattie.

TotemPole · 29/01/2012 02:30

How do you know the others cheat on their partners?

If that comes from your DP, I wouldn't have thought he'd mention it if he planned to do it himself.

People can go to clubs just to dance without pulling.

Rubyl1978 · 29/01/2012 02:45

I have a lot of male friends whom I know cheat on their partners, their partners never find out what they have been up to on nights out and life carries on the same for the partners of the cheats. I dared to tell one of my friends what their partner had been doing on a night out and of course I was the devil incarnate!

My dad was a a cheat and my partner tells me (sometimes) what his friends get up to. Im actually very surprised at men who are faithfull. I dont think there are many men who are.

yellowraincoat · 29/01/2012 02:50

Really, Ruby? I don't know many people who cheat. Maybe it becomes more common once you have kids - only one of my friends has children.

TotemPole · 29/01/2012 02:56

Are you sure it isn't just talk? They could be bigging themselves up to your DP and he's just passing it on.

Most pretty, young girl clubbers aren't going to be interested in 40 something men.

Have you tried organising a girls night out and 'end up' at the same club to see what they really get up to?

Rubyl1978 · 29/01/2012 03:13

My partner is only 25, his friends are roughly around the same age, infact the older ones seem to be worse for cheating going by what I have been told and have seen. Most of his friends have kids and long term partners but they still cant say no to a younger, pretty girl if they get a chance.

Archemedes · 29/01/2012 08:44

Just because his friends are cheats doesn't mean he is, I have a friend who is a serial cheater and thrives on male attention, I couldn't be further from that.

And clubbing doesn't = pulling either.

PosieParker · 29/01/2012 08:48

A man in his 40s goes clubbing....yuck and sad.

FabbyChic · 29/01/2012 08:49

This is more about your issues with yourself, your low self esteem and the belief that you aren't good enough for him.

He gives you no reason to doubt him, and just because his friends do it doesn't follow he will, he is his own man, has his own mind.

You have no grounds here to feel like he is going to cheat. And all men check out women wether discretely or not. I've been out with a man and checked out other good looking men, discretely of course. Doesn't mean Im going to sleep with anyone else or want to. Its called appreciating fine art if you like for want of a better analogy.

HappyHoppyHippy · 29/01/2012 08:55

I agree this sounds more about your self esteem. Going out once a month is not a big deal. Also if he is the type to cheat, he will find a way no matter where he is. If you trust him, then it shouldn't be an issue.

Alouisee · 29/01/2012 08:59

Good looking young girls in mini dresses won't be interested in your 40 something dh. Unless of course he's fabulously wealthy and high profile. Which I'm assuming he's not?

Looking at women is nothing, it sounds as if you're looking at them and then clocking him looking. Just be open about it.

I look at everyone and I wouldn't stop just to placate some insecurities my husband might have. (if he was that insecure I'd find it very unattractive)

duckdodgers · 29/01/2012 09:19

Yep, this is most definitely about your own insecurities than him really - its almost like you cant believe someone so nice would want you so are questioning his ability to stay faithful. All in all not good as trust is integral to a relationship. If you are not really careful you will drive him away - but not because he will cheat but because it will become impossible to live with your jealousies and insecurities. Fortunately its not at that stage yet and you now have time to work on your own feelings - why you lack self-esteem and improve it.

samandi · 29/01/2012 10:06

No, not all men cheat. I certainly don't worry about my partner going out with his friends. However, they are all decent and honest people, not cheating scum like your partner's friends seem to be. I'd certainly be concerned if my partner had friends like that. "Show me your friends and I'll tell you who you are" and all that.

Malificence · 29/01/2012 10:16

You can tell everything you need to know about a man by the company he keeps, a decent man wouldn't countenance behaviour like that in his friends, people have friends with the same moral values in general.

overmydeadbody · 29/01/2012 10:27

This is such a sad thread.

OP you really need to sort out your low self esteem. Your DP should be able to go out once a month with close friends without you becoming a nervous wreck!

If a man wants to cheat, he will, whether or not he goes to clubs, has mates who cheat, or looks at other women. And if a man is the faithful kind, he won't cheat, even if he's dancing in clubs every friday and saturday and all his mates are cheats.

Ruby I am shocked that you think most men cheat. They don't. In my DP's close circle of friends from school none of them cheat (to DP's knowledge), and in our shared group of friends that we have had for years, only one of them confessed to cheating, once, in the past. The confession only came out after a lot of alcohol and no one thought it was a good thing, not even him. He was ashamed.

I trust my DP. But at the end of the day if he were to cheat, it wouldn't be because I had somehow let him, or could have stopped him if I had not let him go out.

But bottom line, I trust him, and don't worry about him cheating, certainly don't worry about him looking at other women and finding them attractive. Fidelity is about choosing not to act on impulses and urges and feelings of attraction to another person, not about never having those feelings.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 29/01/2012 11:34

Is your DP so weak willed that if his mates tell him to shag some random woman in a nightclub, he would? Or is he a grown up, with a partner he loves, who he has never given any reason to doubt him? Just because his mates are arses when they go out, doesn't mean he is.

Original poster
hattieboo2012 · 09/02/2012 14:45

Thanks for all your replies.

I have started a weight loss programme and have lost 8lb in two weeks and already my self esteem is shooting through the roof!

He said he may be going out this weekend with his mate, and when he did, at first, my heart sunk to my stomach the way it always does, but then I read this (which I posted ages ago but havent been able to get online...sorry!) and I feel like a right idiot, and although I may still feel a little bit down about him going out with his mates, I know that he is not any of them (his mates), and it's me he loves, and if he has much respect for me when he's out with them, as he does the rest of the time, then I needn't worry.

Thing is, I could really start enjoying the evening I have while he's out. I can have a nice, peaceful, un-rushed bath, then sit and eat some seriously delish comfort food while watching what I want on telly, and then go to bed and have the bed all to myself til he strolls in in the early hours!

He always leaves his phone around, even leaves it home with me sometimes while he's out working, so I think if he was being unfaithful, then that wouldn't happen. He also lavishes me with compliments telling me I am beautiful, look nice, have a beautiful body (20+ stone, so I think NOT!!!), but anyway, he loves me and has respect for me so I think and hope I was/am being utterly ridiculous! I'm going to wish him a great night when he goes out on Saturday and not be moody before he goes.

OP posts:
MistyMountainHop · 09/02/2012 14:54

his mates sound twatty and i can understand you not wanting him to spend time with them

but if he really loves you he won't be led by his friends into maybe flirting / cheating on you (which is, i am guessing, what you are worried about right?)

but you need to just let him go out, don;t be that possessive girlfriend, becaue that will be what drives him away, not his mates

i would work on your self esteem too as it sounds pretty low :(

FedUpOfTheBunfightsSeaCow · 09/02/2012 14:55

Please don't be offended, but as you seem unhappy with your weight, why don't you enjoy your night in, but minus the comfort food? I am honestly not being mean, I know myself I comfort it and it doesn't help me to slim! Well done so far :)

LeQueen · 09/02/2012 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MistyMountainHop · 09/02/2012 17:10

lequeen you think THATS bad?

when i was about 16 me and my mates saw my ACTUAL Dad in a club we were in. doing said "dad dancing" with all his dad mates Blush

i died a thousand deaths and my friends NEVER forgot

he would have only been about 40 and he was (and still is) actually pretty cool bless him :) :)

LeQueen · 09/02/2012 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.