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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have wanted to thank these people?

13 replies

Stephb88 · 28/01/2012 20:00

There's a long back story to this. But basically, I endured a few years of abuse as a child. There were very few people during those years who I feel now, as an adult, helped considerably and made a difference.

As can be expected, I was hurting considerably during that time. Yet there were a few who helped show love, compassion, understanding and a feeling of 'not being alone' which, in turn helped create an inner strength at a time I didn't even want to live!

The perpetrator of my abuse was jailed for 12 years in 2010. It was upon reflection of this that I had wondered why I'd made it so well and yet many struggle their entire lives. It was then I realised it was partly down to these few who gave so much of their time and went over and beyond what could have been expected.

So, all these years later, I decided that it was important to personally thank these people, if possible. I think it's nice when you're working so hard day to day to know that what you've done has truly helped someone.

So, that's what I did. I did manage to easily find all 4 people and sent them a message thanking them and briefly saying how well I was doing now. I felt much better afterwards.

But, was I being unreasonable in doing so?

The reason I ask is that I never got one response. One wasn't necessary - but I thought out of politeness a "you're welcome" would have come back or some acknowledgment of the message, even if very brief. I'm feeling a bit embarrassed now and thinking that perhaps it's not the done thing and I've now come across as some weirdo instead of genuinly being thankful! Blush

OP posts:
tigerlillyd02 · 28/01/2012 20:02

No, I don't think you were being unreasonable at all. In fact, it's quite a nice thing to do and many probably wouldn't think of it.

I'm not sure why they wouldn't respond, other than due to rudeness. Or perhaps they don't remember you and don't want to appear rude in saying so?

Spenguin · 28/01/2012 20:02

Applause

I think you're fabulous!

Spenguin · 28/01/2012 20:04

Child abusers, or abusers of any sort, are some real sick bastards.

If someone could have helped my husband when he was younger, I would have been so grateful.

Never be embarrassed to have manners! How long ago did you contact them? Perhaps they just feel awkward talking about it - as in, it can't be an easy subject for you to talk about and so perhaps they don't want to inflate it even more?

AgentZigzag · 28/01/2012 20:07

How long ago did you send your thank yous?

Are you sure they got them?

There are a million reasons why they haven't responded yet, and none of them because of the reasons you're probably thinking of Smile

It's brilliant you've come out of the other side of it, and that the abuser was convicted.

Please don't be embarrassed, you did a lovely thing remembering and thanking them.

LowRegNumber · 28/01/2012 20:09

From what you have said I wonder if they were helping in a professional capacity? If so it may be something to do with that? In any case I would say it is a wonderful thing to do and you have no need to feel silly. Saying thank you is always the done thing, even if it takes time. Stop over thinking, you have done a good thing and I am sure they appreciate it even if they can't reply Smile

Grumpla · 28/01/2012 20:09

Well, I think you were right to thank them. There are lots of reasons why they may not have replied. Perhaps some of them feel guilty for not having done more. Or genuinely don't feel that they did anything deserving of thanks. Or don't remember. Or do remember and don't wish to be reminded of it.

I think the way you should look at it is this: they helped you, you thanked them, they have the right to respond or not to respond as they see fit. Their lack of acknowledgment now in no way reflects on how important their support was to you. You can feel positive and warmly towards them for the rest of your life - you don't need their involvement for that - and you can also make sure that you are the sort of person who helps and supports people in need.

People are often embarrassed by gratitude but it doesn't mean you shouldn't express it.

sharenicely · 28/01/2012 20:14

I'm sure you haven't come across as weird at all, I imagine it would have been a lovely thing for them to receive.
Just wondering how did you get the message to them? Did you put your contact details on?
They also may think if they respond then they are sort of entering into a correspondence and may feel you just want closure.

maybenow · 28/01/2012 20:17

not at all unreasonable.

BUT.. yabu to necessarily expect a response, i don't know the details obviously but some of them may feel guilty that they didn't/couldn't do more to stop it, some may not want to open a dialogue with you. Each will have delt with it in their own way.

It's lovely you said thank you to them, but really now it's up to them what they do, please don't be offended if you don't hear from them.

Stephb88 · 28/01/2012 20:18

I contacted them at the end of October. They were all on facebook with a picture which made it extremely easy to find them! I was quite surprised. So, that's how I contacted them.

It was quite a long time ago so perhaps they don't remember or something. I know I'm just being completely daft but just have this niggling worry that I've made myself look a right numpty. There's nothing I can do about it though so really do need to forget it, I know.....!

OP posts:
KittyFane · 28/01/2012 20:32

I'm absolutely sure that you have done the right thing and those who have read the messages (on FB it's possible they may not have!) will surely be pleased but possibly don't feel the need to write back.
You've done a lovely thing and I bet your messages have been well received. :)

Groovee · 28/01/2012 20:34

If you have sent via facebook it may have ended up in their "other" folder which they may not know about so may not have read yet. I only discovered it the other week. But you weren't wrong to thank him

gothicmama · 28/01/2012 20:41

You weren't wrong to say thanks and don't feel daft maybe you could make a donation in recognition of the support you had to a children's charity as a way of you moving on and accepting its ok to be ok and your donation may just make a difference to another person

Birdsgottafly · 28/01/2012 20:48

If they had helped you in a professional capacity then they could not reply.

You cannot converse with anyone that you have known via work through FB. Depending on their job role they may have been breaking professional bounderies even if you had got in touch in a different way.

It was very nice of you to do what you did. They will remember and apprieciate your thanks, they just are not allowed to reply.

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