To cut Dad out of our lives?

[Piglet28]

Hope you can give me some advice or AIBU?

Dad has been in and out of my life from about the age of 5. He had numerous affairs (mum had him back several times) as I got older things became more difficult I was a pain in the arse teenager and he would get physically and verbally abusive towards me to the point mum would stand between us and he would tell her to chose between us.

He finally left mum when I was 19 and remarried, we now have a strained relationship with him. Despite this recently he lived with me a few days a week to work in London after being made redundant for 6 months. He is a very difficult person to be around, very quiet and if you try to have a conversation with him he just shouts you down with his own opinion.

I never got any thanks for him living with us. He didn't visit at Christmas despite him visiting my step sisters 30mins away ( he lives 3 hrs away) I recently had an MC and got a text to say no wonder I was crabby with him! He never calls to see how me and DS are, but every few months sends nasty abusive texts to say how crap I am and how I never bother with him. He treats my sister the same.

I have an awful relationship with him that stems from childhood, we just don't get on. I can't talk to him, he can never accept that he is wrong for anything. I should contact him more but hate spending time around him, and the shitty messages he sends are really nasty. I'm 30 now but he still makes me feel like the bullied child I was as a teenager, pushed around by him.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm also scared if I cut him out that he will try and claim grandparents rights on DS, who hardly knows who he is...

Sorry this is long, thanks for reading x

Cut him loose.

You don't need it.

He has NO rights btw.

He is absolutely horrible and yes, you shouldn't have anything to do with him.

Let him go ahead and sue for grandparents' rights - you wouldn't have to hire a lawyer, you could stand up in court and explain exactly why you don't want your son to be forced to see him.

I hope you've kept any texts.

Of course no court in the land is going to give him rights. It wouldn't take them a minute to realise what a horror he is.

There are no such things as 'grandparents' rights' and there is clearly no benefit in having him in your or your family's life.

Cut contact.

Piglet he won't get automatic rights to your DS. GP can get legal rights and access time, but it's a lengthy process. Where a parent would have to apply to a court to obtain access, a grandparent has to apply to a court for leave to apply for access. And the courts will and do consider everything when making their decision. It doesn't sound much like he'd bother tbh.

It must be difficult. He's still your dad. But he has no right to bully you or treat you with anything other than love and respect. You don't want such a nasty character around you and your DS do you? Cut him loose. Not dramatically, don't put anything in writing, texts etc. just don't respond to text or calls either nasty or nice. If he's sticking around because he gets some sort of kick out of treating you like shit, he'll soon tire of it.

He brings no benefit to your life whatsoever. I haven't seen or spoken to my father for over fifteen years because he isn't worth it. I used to get upset but not about not seeing him more that I didn't have a father worth seeing.

Cut contact. He sounds vile.

You do not have to have such a horrible person in your life. My dad and I don't even have the long bad relationship that you describe, rather he became cruel and selfish a few years back when my mum was in hospital and eventually left her after having an affair, but I made the decision to cut him from my life. So did my sister. My dad is still in contact with my mum through work (I could write a whole other ranty thread about that), so I hear from her that he has pretty much edited his own recent history to make him the victim and my sister and I the bitches who evilly have nothing to do with him for no reason . But quite frankly, my sister and I are happier and better off without him in our lives. He does not have my new mobile number and he doesn't try to contact me (can't be arsed I guess), so I've not had to deal with him trying to wheedle his way back in.

I can pretty much guarantee you will be happier without him stressing you out like he has been, but if you are to remain in contact with people who see him, be prepared for some (possibly inadvertant) guilt trips as you hear how much this pains him. Just hold your head up and know you've done the right thing.

ERRR why would you want him in your life?

Situation 1: a grandmother takes care of grandchild because the mother is an alcoholic/junkie. The child lives with her until the age of five, with all care being given by the grandmother. The mother visits occasionally. Then the mother decides she wants to clean up her act and have the child back with her. She falls out with the grandmother and tells her she can't see the child again. The grandmother goes to court to ask for the right to see her grandchild.

Situation 2: a crap father deserts his daughter when she's a child. He sends her vile, abusive texts telling her he thinks she's crap. She decides to not put up with it any longer. The father decides he has rights and takes his daughter to court, saying he wants the right to see his grandchild.

Which of these two cases do you think the law was intended for?

The Act states:

Access ? purpose of section

78(1) The purpose of this section is

(a) to facilitate relationships between children and their grandparents and other family members, when those relationships are in the child's best interests;

(b) to recognize, on applications by grandparents for access, that children can benefit from a positive, nurturing relationship with their grandparents;

Thanks all for your replies, sounds pretty unanimous that I should cut him out.

The sad thing is that I really would miss my step sisters, they have kids the same age and we get on really well. It's the only reason I usually see my dad through them. I'm worried I'd loose these relationships too. Of course they'd hear what a bitch I am for cutting him out, but I guess that's up to them ...

Imperial - thanks for clearing that up.

It's just the sort of thing he'd try just to spite or upset me.

I kept all his messages and letters. Including the crappy letter he sent with Christmas prezzies after my MC

But you don't have to miss your step sisters! Can't you contact them and arrange to see them? You don't need your dad there for that.

If they ask whether he should be there, just say, "I'd like to see you on my own if that's okay."

They are grown women with children - they don't need their dad with them when they see you.

I agree with Imperial. You won't necessarily automatically lose them. They may very well decide not to get involved in your problems with your father. I know I wouldn't! :)

Passive cutting loose it what i would try. don't contact him at all - no cards, texts etc. if he texts/e mails you don't reply. if he telephones and you have to speak to him then do but keep it short and to the point. this is a destructive relationship for you, he knows it and he isnt bothered that it is so don't let it carry on. if you do it will start to have destructive effect on you. you are both adults and can do this - you arent the stroppy teenager any more so it is OK to take control. re the step sisters the relationship you have with them is the one that you make with them first hand, not second hand through your father. so what if he slags you off to them. i would make them the first call tomorrow morning and make a real effort to stay in touch. Its pants doing this to your dad but he is the loser. My dad spent 36 years estranged from me with only minimal contact once or twice a year. before he died he told me how much he regret being such an idiot. I don't regret the fact that he was estranged as it was his choice and you should feel likewise. you an adult get on and live your life the way you want to.