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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that I didn't make these children by myself

32 replies

TheOddsAreEven · 27/01/2012 16:13

So why am i left to look after them on my own all the time? OH is currently out of work as am I (dd is only 5mo) but he's decided he needs MORE time to himself so he's out messing about today. As he was Monday and Wednesday. He will get back just as I've got both kids to bed, and expect his tea to be made. No doubt tomorrow he'll get out of bed at whatever time he wants to then bog off outside to play with his new bike.
I've just realised he sounds like he's about 12. He's not he's almost 10 years older than me.
AIBU to be pissed off and think I'm being treated like a mug?

OP posts:

spingey · 27/01/2012 16:14

yes. tell him you need more time to yourself too and seeing at its saturday and he's not at work you will going out on your own for the day. He is taking the p**s!

PattiMayor · 27/01/2012 16:15

He sounds like a right cocklodger

WorraLiberty · 27/01/2012 16:16

AIBU to be pissed off and think I'm being treated like a mug?

Yes quite frankly you are.

If you make yourself a doormat, you shouldn't be surprised when he wipes his feet on you.

As you said, you didn't create the children on your own.

JustHecate · 27/01/2012 16:35

No, you aren't being unreasonable to think that, because you ARE being treated like a mug.

What does he say when you tell him that you will not tolerate this? Does he accept that he has to pull his weight?

Is he depressed about being out of work?

foglike · 27/01/2012 16:37

Tell him what you expect even though he should already know.

molly3478 · 27/01/2012 16:40

why do you allow him to do it?

Rachelwalsh · 27/01/2012 16:58

YANBU.

Smellslikecatspee · 27/01/2012 18:07

Get up early tomorrow, and go out.
Just get up,dressed wake him dump kids on bed and say i'm off

And then go. . .

If DD is breast fed you'll have to bring her of course, but why shouldn't you be able to come and go as well

Kayano · 27/01/2012 18:08

He sounds a waste of space

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/01/2012 18:10

...expect his tea to be made Why? If you don't normally do this when he is being an idiot why would he expect it? Just don't make it so easy for him to be an idiot. Dump and run, that's what I advise. And, tell him you want your tea on the table when you get back.

makachu · 27/01/2012 18:29

He needs to shape up or get out.

Chandon · 27/01/2012 18:33

He can only treat you as a mug if you accept being treated as one

Original poster

TheOddsAreEven · 27/01/2012 18:38

will try to answer everyone but am on phone whilst feeding dd.
I don't like to leave the kids with him as his main parenting techniques are shouting or totally tuning them out.
If I say anything he manages to make out I'm being totally unreasonable.
He'd expect tea because I have to cook for ds and me so seems pointless to have him eating something different and it costs more.
I've done the whole booting him out thing before and I'm tempted to just boot him in the face this time.

OP posts:

sunshineandbooks · 27/01/2012 18:49

You will never win with a man like this. He will have an answer to everything and rationalise/minimalise every single complaint you make. Therefore, you have to STOP trying to reason with him and present a situation where you make it clear that nothing less than a certain standard is acceptable and if it's found wanting he's out. And you have to mean it.

I am well aware that it sounds so, so easy on paper and a hell of a lot harder to do in RL, especially as you are probably knackered with a 5mo. He's using this to his advantage. It will take a lot of resolve to stick with your plan, particularly because he's likely to shape up (if he thinks you mean it) just long enough for you to calm down and then his behaviour will gradually drift back to what it always was unless you keep up the pressure.

What you have to ask yourself is do you want to spend the rest of your life with a 'partner' you have to constantly keep on at simply in order to get him to pull his weight? What about when you're ill or there's a crisis? If you can't rely on him to do at least 50% when times are good, how on earth can you rely on him to do more when things are bad? That's not a partnership, that's a master/servant relationship.

D0G · 27/01/2012 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peeriebear · 27/01/2012 18:53

It sounds like you'd have less stress and less to do if you booted him out for good.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 27/01/2012 18:56

I hate to ask the obvious, why did you get pregnant with DD when he was clearly a waste of space before then?

Get rid - one less child to deal with.

LaurieFairyCake · 27/01/2012 18:57

Get rid.

And what on earth were you doing choosing someone who 'tunes them out' or 'shouts at them'?

Seriously, you and they deserve more - choose better next time.

molly3478 · 27/01/2012 18:58

I would throw all his dinner in the bin and he would have nothing. There is noway on this earth I would let him have food I have cooked if he did this.

sunshineandbooks · 27/01/2012 19:02

EAse up a bit on the OP. I very much doubt he behaved like this in the early days of their relationship. I suspect it crept up very gradually and probably got much worse after the birth of their DD 5 months ago. She'll have been so sleep-deprived and worn out with the baby that she probably believed it was her being 'hormonal' or 'over-reacting' to begin with. And let's not forget that MN is full of posters that seem to think it's entirely normal and humourous for the man of the house to leave his socks lying around, be unable to find anything or forget to arrange 'domestic stuff' - the OP's situation is simply an exaggerated extension of this.

The point is, she's seeing it now, and she's more likely to do the right thing if she's encouraged to stand up for herself rather than take the blame for 'allowing' herself to be mistreated in the first place.

Good luck OP.

callmemrs · 27/01/2012 19:04

No- you didn't make these children by yourself. You chose to make them with this guy who seems pretty useless as a husband and father.

molly3478 · 27/01/2012 19:04

I think if he did this when I was hormonal I would be evn more likely to throw it in the bin tbh if I was in that state I would probably throw it at him

rhondajean · 27/01/2012 19:05

Write him a list of what you expect hi. To do, get up early to tomorrow, leave in a prominent place and bugger off for the day.

And ffs stop cooking for him, regardless of the reason, you are merely facilitating his bad behaviour.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 27/01/2012 19:07

YANBU Your life would be a lot easier and more pleasant without him. He sounds like a shit partner and a shit dad.

Excellent post from sunshineandbooks. Wishing you strength and resolve.

Shakey1500 · 27/01/2012 19:08

Agree with sunshineand boots totally. It's unacceptable.

I would spell it out to him, give him ONE chance to change the behaviour/attitude and if he continues to make you feel like you're unreasonable, I'd get rid.

My dh was, initially, the kind of man who just didn't see things. He would up and go on a jolly weekend to London to be with his mates whilst I was left struggling with DS. I was at fault too though, he would say he wanted to go I would half hearted give the green light as it were. Then I wised up. After giving him yet another green light, I said I'd also be going the following weekend on my own. He could hardly say no. So I went and left my mum strict instructions not to invite him for dinner, or offer to give him a break (asked her to pop in though, out of the blue ) So he found out just how hard and lonely it can be. And he got it, apologised profusely for not realising and it's been 50/50 ever since.

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