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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not bother sending my mum photos etc of my DD

6 replies

CoqAuFanjo · 27/01/2012 15:00

I'm really confused by my mum's behaviour regarding my DD.
Both she and my dad have guilt-tripped me for years about having a child (or rather, giving them a grandchild). All the "so and so has a GC, I WISH WE HAD ONE, when are you having one, it would be so nice, I don't suppose we'll EVER get a GC [sigh]" etc. My older brother is single and won't ever have kids so it was down to me. Anyway in our own time we finally had a DD last year.

We live at the other end of the country to both sets of GPs so I try really really hard to keep them in touch with my DD. My MIL laps it up and proudly displays everything I send, makes a real fuss of DD when she sees her etc. My own parents just behave weirdly - my mum will come down to 'help me' but then makes a huge deal of how she doesn't feel confident enough to deal with DD on her own, and it doesn't matter how much I reassure her she just goes on and on in an endless fashion. If DD cries then my mum will throw some kind of episode "oh it must be me! I changed her nappy last I must have done it wrong!"... it's really hard managing my mother's emotions along with trying to deal with my DD, and it's quite incredible how my mum always manages to turn it round to being about her. My dad comes down and sits reading, largely ignoring DD (though he is generally ignorant anyway). My mum also makes big points about how she will never really know DD as we live so far away, every time she sees her (which is every few weeks) she'll say "oh I bet she's forgotten me by now". She says she'll never be able to teach her to read/write/swim/whatever as she'll never spend enough time with her. But their behaviour makes me less inclined to take her to see them IYKWIM (there are other things they do that I won't go into)

Anyway at Xmas I sent a large framed photo of DD as a surprise present - it was one my mum said she liked so I had it blown up. I also sent a thank you card for her presents with a little hand and footprint in it. When we went up the other weekend I couldn't see either, I asked if she'd got the card and she just said "Yes I forgot to tell you" but it wasn't up anywhere even though it had only arrived the previous day. Then I found the photo in the spare bedroom that nobody goes in except us! There are no photos of DD anywhere in their house yet they have random pictures from The Range on display and photos of other people so it's not like they don't have room.

DH is really offended and says I shouldn't bother putting myself out in future. I'm inclined to agree as it doesn't seem to be appreciated.

I know this sounds petty but the photo thing has really hurt me/us.

OP posts:
Kayano · 27/01/2012 15:04

Maybe seeing a photo every day will make your mum sad that she can't see the child
More often ad it's a defence mechanism iyswim?

Have you spoken to her about the picture?

CailinDana · 27/01/2012 15:04

Could you have a frank chat about it? Ask her what's going on with her? WRT how she behaves when she visits, it could be that she is genuinely unsure of herself - my mum is quite good with babies but I was surprised at how cagey she was with my DS at first - she kept asking me how to put the nappy on and whether he might be too hot or cold. Like your mum she doesn't see my DS often so she doesn't have a chance to get used to him.

Did you ask her about the photo? That's a very odd thing to do.

CoqAuFanjo · 27/01/2012 15:10

When I rang on Xmas Day they mentioned all the presents I'd sent except the photo. So I asked my dad if they'd got it (I knew they had as it was hand-delivered!) and he responded "yeah... I don't know where we're going to put it" in a very dismissive way. It's a bit of an elephant in the room now and I don't want to mention it in case they say something bad about it and it upsets me. I partly expect it won't be there at all next time I go up.

What's more weird is my mum has VOLUNTEERED to come down and look after DD for a month full time when I return to work. I was really happy about this but now I worry because she's not exactly inspiring confidence in me... I'm really not PFB or critical about anything she does, but anything she's asked (e.g. didn't know how to use disposables) we've given her guidance about in a non-critical way.

OP posts:
cubbie · 27/01/2012 15:12

YANBU
I'd be so hurt and find her behaviour really weird/downright rude. I don't know what to suggest but I just wanted to reply.

MY 2 DS only have one set of GP and my Mum used to joke that she would have to knit herself a grandchild!! (though she accepted the fact that DH1 and I didn't want any. Fast forward a few years to when my nephew was born, the first baby on my side of the family, IYKWIM. That changed my mind completely and DH2 (a long story!) got married, really beacuse we wanted a family.)

I'm off ill this week, so I told them they could have a week off from looking after Ds, but she said (and I knew she would) she wouldn't be able to stay away! They have just left! But I know I am very very lucky as the only live half an hour away.

I'm sorry this isn't a helpful reply, and am sorry your DD is being disregarded in this way. It's their loss, and they will no doubt regret it some day.

nearlyinscotland · 27/01/2012 15:12

Sounds a bit like she's not confident around your DD, has she been around other babies fairly recently? I would just ask her straight out about the photo. My IL's did something similar, they wanted a photo so we got them one blown up (which they had chosen and everything) and then it was just no where to be seen. Now it has suddenly appeared on the wall (DS is now 3 and he was 6 months in the photo so it's taken 2 and a half years!) TBH I think they just didn't get round to working out where to put it/framing it rather than it being a snub. What are they like otherwise? Were they interested in your lives etc before you had DD or do they just get on with their own thing?

crapistan · 27/01/2012 15:36

Well the photo incident wouldn't bother me, it's up to them if they want to display it nor not. You gave them a gift, it's theirs now.

It sounds like you are going through that phase where you evaluate your own relationship with your parents. I honestly didn't give much thought to it before I had my own dcs, I guess it was just "normal" for me until then. I don't know if I was just naive before, or if it's common to start analysing the relationship and which aspects you want the same/different for your relationship with your own dcs.

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