to think there's a conspiracy of silence

[standupcomedy]

I've recently started ttc, after a long time of thinking and talking about it. I thought I knew the important stuff: got a pre-pregnancy health check, know and follow the guidelines on folic acid, alcohol, caffeine, foods to have lots of (fish, fibre, fruit & veg) and to avoid (soft cheese, shellfish, undercooked meat, pate, vitamin A)...

But I keep finding out things that I just didn't know!

For example, last week I heard for the first time that lube kills sperm. Why has no-one ever told me about this?!? Even the nurse at my health check - despite giving me helpful information about timings - didn't mention it. I'm in my late 30s: I'm already worried about whether it'll all work. The last thing I want to do is put up a defensive barrier! So now I'm armed with that pre-seed stuff, and hoping that will help next month...

Then just this morning, I discovered that green tea reduces folic acid uptake, and in fact a lot of herbal teas are potentially damaging while pregnant. I've been alternating between peppermint, and a mixed one made up of herbs which (I've now discovered) you're not meant to drink while pregnant: dandelion (bad), fennel, ginger root, liquorice (bad) and nettle(bad)... I'm only drinking herbal tea as a substitute for real tea! But why did no-one tell me about this? I'm sure in the past when pregnant friends have been off caffeine, they've substituted other herbal teas. Though now I think about it, it's often rooibos tea, which tastes like cats piss I'm not keen on.

I know there are lots of superstitions and old-wives-tales about pregnancy, but these 2 things seem to be genuine, and yet I'd never heard of them. How am I meant to find out this stuff? And what else am I missing?

YABVVVVVU to refer to Rooibos tea as tasting like cat piss. You obviously have no taste buds.

I think perhaps you read too much?
Everything in moderation will do the trick.
(actually what solidgold says)

I drank nettle and peppermint tea all through my pregnancy, I had no idea it was bad! Ds is fine though.

OP, the fact that, as someone else said, so much of this information is conflicting is key - don't make the mistake of inventing a new TTC Ten Commandments for yourself and worrying about them, because it just isn't possible to make all the bits add up. I also conceived for the first time aged 39 - baby due in March - and I realised I had unconsciously completely internalised all that shrieky stuff in the media about selfish older careerist mothers and their shrivelled ovaries and how it would take us aeons to conceive, if we managed it at all. We conceived literally on the first go - not to say you will, or that you should worry if you don't (obviously there are facts behind the media hysteria, and fertility does decline), but it made me think about how much self-blame I had internalised, and how catastrophising I was without realising it. It did mean I overcompensated on being careful in pregnancy, buy Trying to Do Everything Right, because I was an older mother.

Also, I think there's a lot of pregnancy and conception information in the public domain that people simply don't hear until they're ready for it. I have close friends with chldren/difficult pregnancies/conception problems/IVF experience etc etc, and I must have encountered lots of information that I'm only just assimilating now. Take it easy on yourself, and good luck.

Nettle is fine, I'm drinking it in pregnancy by the litre. Below from http://www.blessedmaineherbs.com/womensherbs.html

Nettle (Urtica dioica) One of the finest nourishing tonics in the entire plant kingdom, nettle greens are mineral rich and contain abundant chlorophyll, iron, calcium, magnesium, phosphorus, potassium and vitamins A, C and K. Nettle is a wonderful ally for the pregnant women or nursing mother. It not only provides optimum nourishment to build the brain, bones, blood, muscle, tissue, nerves, and organs of a healthy fetus, but will also improve the quality and quantity of breast milk. Midwives usually recommend pregnant women drink nettle infusions for the last trimester, as its abundant vitamin K helps prevent hemorrhage. American Indian women drank nettle tea during pregnancy to strengthen the fetus and ease delivery. They also used it to stop bleeding after childbirth. Menopausal women also have a friend in nettle. With its rich stores of minerals, especially calcium, regular use of nettles will nourish your nervous system, calm and steady your nerves and strengthen your bones, thereby preventing osteoporosis. Consuming this herb often also helps ensure a healthy heart. Regular use of nettles will boost energy levels, ease depression and mood swings, and support healthy functioning of the kidneys and adrenal system, naturally stressed during menopause. Nettles are also highly regarded for their ability to balance blood sugar levels, enhance sexual performance and enjoyment, promote healthy hair growth, and alleviate chronic skin conditions such as eczema. Typical dose is 2 cups of infusion or 20 drops of tincture daily.

What a load of boo-hockey woo-balls. None of that is remotely true.

I drank litres of nettle tea throughout PG too - love it!! I believe it's v good for PG people.

For more info on BPA, which is commonly used in tins, and is linked to infertility.

www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/8093585/Bisphenol-A-now-linked-to-male-infertility.html

articles.latimes.com/2010/nov/08/news/la-heb-roundworm-bpa-20101108

Stop trying so hard? I didn't do anything like that. We just had sex, no faffing around with tests or health checks and all that crap, we conceived within 3 months of ttc.

Well good for you spaghetti but I think telling people who are ttc to stop "trying" is complete nonsense and very unhelpful. You are lucky you have never suffered months, years of your period coming and not falling pregnant - Im 41 although very lucky with the children Ive got they didn't come easy or quick - I would have exploded if someone had said this to me for example during the 2 years it took to conceive DS2. And up to 2 years is normal as well - me and DH do not have fertility problems. Anything that can help is a bonus.

And how exactly do you stop "trying" then ?

surely the most important advice is to get to know your body and be aware of when you are ovulating. Although I would swear that both ds and dd were conceived outside the ovulation window . There's a lot of luck, a lot of variation, and big differences in normal for many couples. Thank goodness there's also lots of help out there nowadays.

"And how exactly do you stop "trying" then ? "

Well you stop obsessing about whether to drink nettle or green tea, for a start.

Forget to take your pill, Go out and get drunk, Then have sex and then think everything will be Ok and voila 6 weeks after that blue line pops up on the test.

But seriously, I never knew any of that, Good Luck on TTC OP

If someone wants to drink herbal tea paranoid if they think it can increase their chances of a pregnancy whats wrong with that?

I tend to find most people who say pat things like "just relax, it will happen" have never had problems falling pregnant.

married is right - becoming aware of your body and signs of ovulation are the most important.

Please calm down! The lube thing is rubbish for a start as I can't have sex without it and we go pregnant first time. The tea thing I dont know as I can't drink the stuff without gagging.

I agree that you can read too much and end up not knowing what to believe. I only believed the advice given by reputable sites like baby centre and bounty etc.

You can tie yourself in knots ( and you sound like you are). Relax, enjoy the baby making process, my husband and I had sex a lot during ovulation and got pregnant the first motn. ( I know this doesn't happen for most people and I know we must be very fertile)

Enjoy!

they can drink all the tea they like, but getting obsessive and paranoid about pointless myths and nonsense isn't going to help anything, is it?

Its not a matter of "relax and it will happen". Its a matter of either a) you are normally fertile and should happen whatever you drink or use as lube, or b) you aren't and no amount of herbal tea or avoiding tinned tomatoes is going to get you pregnant. Either way, ditch the woo.

A bit off the point I must admit, but do a lot of people use lube then?
I always thought lube was for anal sex!

Northern Pre-DC we never needed it, post-DC we almost always do. I have no idea why though.

Of course there's not a "conspiracy of silence". What guff.

Spermicidal lubricants will kill sperm. That's what they're for - they're designed for use with a diaphragm, cap or condoms.

Water based lubricants such as KY jelly do not kill sperm.

And generally health professionals have far more important research to keep up to date with than what herbal teas may or may not affect conception.

I'm a practice nurse and am often asked about preconceptual care - I admit I am no expert but my advice (to normal fit healthy women, barring any medical conditions) is generally along the lines of:

Stop smoking
Get your partner to stop smoking
Avoid regular excess alcohol
Eat a healthy balanced diet
Take 5mg daily of folic acid
Have vaginal penetrative sex (with ejaculation) every 2-3 days throughout the month

Most women will get pregnant within 6 months and nearly all within 12 months. If you don't then come back to see the GP.

Really happyland? Wonder if it's a hormonal post childbirth thing. How old are your dc's?

I shouldn't get in an anxious state. A lot of it conflicts and they change their minds later. Just go for common sense, healthy life style.

I never needed lube until well after 30 Northern. I think it's an age thing. Or maybe a long term relationship thing, so you don't have the excitement of the first year or whatever together.

The lube thing is supposed to be true anyway. It doesn't kill sperm (unless it is a spermicidal one) but it is more difficult for them to swim through. Avoid it or use preseed or the conception-friendly one they sell in Boots.

I think it's normal that if it takes a while you keep thinking "maybe if I just gave up caffeine/alcohol/herbal tea/peas" or whatever else results from stumbling across an article on the internet, you give it a go, thinking it might be the one thing that tips the balance. Some people do just have a few shags and they're up the duff. If you're not that lucky, I think bit of stressing about the whole thing is normal. There are plenty of us over on the conception board who have tried everything. If the OP wants some support, she might find it there.

I've been ttc for ages. Tests show no problems for either of us. I have tried most of the avoid this and that advice I have stumbled across. None of it has worked. I've also spent several cycles refusing to live as pre-pregnant and just eating and drinking what I want. That didn't work either. Now I am giving hardcore drugs a go before moving to IVF.

Ah, well, I haven't been in a long term relationship for years eurochick, so maybe that explains it! (Am over 30)

TTC must be stressful.
A relative was ttc for two years, did IVF, had a child, and then got pregnant when the baby was 6 months, having had sex twice. It just seems so random.