My parents!!!

[Emmasmum40]

My parents have a rocky relationship, my dad cheated with a prostitute about 30 years ago and although they stayed married, my mum basically hates him. She is really quite nasty to him and about him. Now my dad is in poor health and she really doesn't care, despite us all helping and trying to talk to her.
Now, my mum has booked herself a long haul holiday to see relations for a few months (yes, a few months) to 'recharge her batteries' as she puts it and my dad's health continues to deteriorate. My dad has 'given up' on both his marriage and himself. She wanted my sister to take her to the airport (1 1/2 hours away from their home) but my sister is working. I can't take her as it would mean 3 hour round trip to her house, then the airport then a further hour to drive home with my newborn and toddler). She point blank refuses to get on a bus or train and won't drive herself.
My sister tried to talk to her about it including what would happen if my dad's health were to get worse (she said she wouldn't cut her hol short if the worst was to happen) but it ended up in an almighty argument. My sister was very reasonable but my mum called her allsorts, shouted at her in the street, giving her the fingers etc. Both parties ended up phoning me, upset. Have tried to talk to my mum myself about it, but she won't apologise, saying 'I am the mother, it is not my place to apologise'. Errrr...I think that if she was in the wrong, she should apologise. She also blamed us, her children, for her having no workplace pension now (she gave up her job 30 odd years ago to have children). She openly says she didn't want children, my dad did and if she had left him, we would have gone into care. Nice.
My mother is totally unreasonable, everything has to go her way or no way. I live a 3 hour round trip away and have a newborn DS - we also have no other family in the area and my parents have no close friends.
She is a kind grandmother, much better as a granny than as a mother, but of course we only see her when we make the 3hr round trip to visit. Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

She sounds resentful and nasty.

Concentrate on your dad in his time of need because without you it sounds like he'll be all alone.

Your thread title should be 'MY MOTHER!!!' she is totally ur

I don't have any words of wisdom, but I'd like to offer my sympathy and a as I also have a rather dysfunctional family who are a constant source of angst.

Your Mother is being VVUR. Your focus now must be on your Father and not her -- she has chosen to walk a very selfish path and deserves to walk that alone. Take a leaf from your sisters book and do not get drawn in to the airport saga, sister has refused the lift and you must do the same - if she's leaving, let her sort it.

I send you and your sister my sympathy and strength.

Your mother sounds like a nasty piece of work. You say she's a good grandmother but I don't agree - as your children get older it will be very hard for them to see you being abused in such a way. I don't know why you put up with it.

With A bit of luck she will go abroad, lose her passport and never darken your days again.

Your father made one stupid mistake 30 years ago and she's been punishing him for 30 years? WTAF? Tell her to make her own way to the airport - she sounds vile - sorry OP!

Don't let her journey to the airport become your problem. Just say you're not able to help and leave it at that (perhaps run and hide after you've said it). She's flying round the world on her own, so surely she can get to the airport on her own!

This is terrible for you OP, but try not to allow your parents to feel anxious or guilty. I spent a lot of my life in that state, and I often look back and realise it was a complete waste of my time and energy because actually there are some situations you just cannot change. Both you and your sister are now adults with responsibilities of your own, and there is a limit to what you can reasonably be expected to do for your parents.

Your mum should not have booked a holiday and assumed you or your sister could take her to the airport. Let her make her own arrangements, or at most have a look at local cab/private hire companies local to her and get a quote for a cab. I would tell your sister to just let it blow over - she has nothing to apologise for, and she knows what your mum is like.

Your mum is clearly very angry, resentful and disappointed about life and that must be hurtful for you, but it sounds as though she may have been suffering from depression for a very long time. There isn't much you can do about that if she is not the type to accept there is a problem.

Don't feel too sorry for your dad either. He has had decades to change his life if he really wanted to, and no-one really knows the emotions at play in someone else's marriage. It sounds as though there is a lot of codependency in their relationship. It is sad he is in poor health, but presumably he is getting support from his GP.

Accept that this is a situation you are involved in but have no control over. I'm afraid the only advice I can give is just carry on doing what you're doing, visiting occasionally and allowing your mum and dad the enjoyment of being grandparents.

Sorry that top line should have read "try not to allow your parents to make you feel anxious or guilty".

Sounds like your dad, however good he was as a dad, was a rotten husband. It sounds like you're trying to make her care for a man she despises and I think that's a bit U. I think you have to accept that your mum feels that she has more than paid her dues as far as the marriage is concerned and doesn't want to spend even more of her life in the role of carer - and given what your father did to her I don't blame her.

On the other hand she is BVU to tell you she didn't want you. I think that's pretty vile.

Let her get a taxi. She walks all over your dad but don't let her walk over you. She sounds like a selfish woman.

That was 30 years ago SuchProspects that's a hell of a lot of bitterness to carry around all that time.

This woman sounds demented and selfish and has hurt her children.

Maybe that's why he used a prostitute initially?

Although i'll admit it was still wrong to become an enabler in the sex trade.

Is it possible you dont know all the story of their marriage OP? Could there be more to it than one slip up 30 years ago?

You are not responsible for your parents. If she needs a lift to the airport, tell her to get a taxi. DO NOT give way on this.

Once she's gone, get a package in place for your Dad. Whether or not she comes back to be his carer is immaterial while she's gone.

my mum called her allsorts, shouted at her in the street, giving her the fingers etc

Wow. Jeremy Kyle type behaviour from your mother. Focus on your father and your own life.

Great advice from MildlyNarkyPuffin,