To be miffed with MIL's response

[Ticklemonster2]

Will try to keep this brief.
Dh has issues with his anger and has been having regular aggressive outbursts here recently. This has been going on, on and off for about 2 years. He is quite moody and I have found myself Modifying my behaviour to avoid outburst. There is more but don't want is thread to be too long.
It has got to the point where I can't live like it anymore. Our DS is nearly two and is aware of these aggressive outbursts now. Hence, I want things to change. My DH does try to control his anger, but when he can't, it's explosive.
So, I explain to Mil (only because if our marriage fails I want to know that he will have support). Plus I wanted to know what his behaviour was like before I met him.
Initially she agreed that he needs anger management counselling (he has now agreed to go). However, yesterday she came over and basically said that we should go to Relate (this is not a relationship issue, but a personal one regarding my husbands inability to control anger) and that I should 'walk on eggshells to avoid him getting angry'. She seemed to be indicating it was totally my responsibility to control my husbands anger! Furthermore, she said she should have our DS a lot more so we can spend time alone.
My husband and I do spend lovely time alone and our priority is spending time with DS. Time alone is not the issue. MIL has been very pushy about having DS a lot and this has caused a lot of pressure in our home. She has her other grandchild about 3 days a week. As parents, we have explained time and again that we don't want that.
Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed at her callous comments? I have put up with this alone for a long time and now feel I should have kept quiet.
Be gentle x

Never keep quiet.

Never walk on eggshells, you'll soon discover that its not about the way you walk, but about him and there's nothing you can do to avoid it.

I am not going to write your DH off or tell you to leave him UNLESS you are being abused mentally or physically, in which case you need to be firm with him that if he doesn't get help, you're out of there. It is a terribly sad situation but it may be that you HAVE to withdraw whilst he battles his problems.

If this is a genuine problem that your DH fully wishes to sort out, then you could have a future... you will not get that by becoming a mouse.

If your DH is actually an abusive bastard who uses his anger as an excuse to hurt you, then you are better off away from him.

Although I was with the latter kind of man, I walked on eggshells for 5 years and the abuse didn't stop, it didn't even abate slightly, I could do no right for wrong. I became a shadow of myself, a mouse.

You spoke about this to the wrong person, she's his mother and probably in denial over the true extent of her son's rage. I think you need to speak to someone more objective. Good luck and whether intentional or not, you do not have to suffer this and neither does your child.

If your dh has agreed to go to AM counselling then let him go, has he started it yet?
Perhaps when he finishes his AM he will have realised where his issues are coming from and perhaps then he will need further different counselling, it may be relate or a different issue altogether.
I would think it important that the AM is done asap, especially as you have a young child witnessing dh's aggression.
I don't think involving MIL was a good idea, like most MIL's they will not want to accept their little boys are like this although her blaming you was wrong.

I agree with the other posters - he needs help and you're doing the right things WRT that.

But you know that blood is thicker than water, and that as soon as you start to criticize her son you put yourself as the outsider to her? You were never going to get a positive or supportive to you reaction from her.

So on your OP alone, YABU and a little bit naive. Sorry.

Some people in a relationship do contain an angry selfish person by giving in to their every whim and tiptoeing around them. That is not how I would want to live though. Many angry people and wife beaters blame their spouse for provoking them. This is nonsense. I would stop telling her stuff about your relationship, and insist to her that your husband's anger is his issue not yours.
I would see less of your MIL at the moment and refuse to discuss your husband with her, your husband can talk to her if he wants but I wouldn't stay to listen to this nonsense. If she is trying to form a twosome with your husband saying this is partly your fault I would get very angry with both of them. Anger counselling only helps if the angry person realises their anger is their problem and only they can stop themselves getting angry. Many angry men do choose women with low self confidence who let them get their own way though. Your MIL will also side with her son versus you.
The babysitting issue is a different one. Decide how much time you want her spending with your kids and stick to it. Your husband needs to be able to control his anger when they are around, so excluding them from the house and packing them off to granny to stop daddy getting angry won't help. Some time together may, although angry people aren't usually angry because they lack time alone with their spouse.

I think you are doing exactly the right things WRT DP addressing his issues and with you setting a clear expectation that they are his issues to manage.

I would suggest a little bit of compassion for your MIL - you have probably just rocked her image of her darling son, which will be a big thing for her to handle. She may well be in denial.

He may well have had anger issues since he was young and her way of dealing with them was to walk on eggshells (we've all met mothers like that).

She may also geniunely believe that extra babysitting will help the issue.

So, a bit of compassion and understanding BUT that doesn't mean she's right and it doesn't mean you have to listen to a word she is saying. It sounds like your path forward is the right one for you and your family, don't let her de-rail it. TBH, it sounds like you're walking on eggshells round her. Just smile, nod, do nothing, change the subject and don't discuss DP with her again.

Good luck to you.

You are completely right. The anger is not your fault and is not something that you can alter or control and nor should you. It is a problem within your husband that only he can address. There is hope for your relationship if he is recognising this as a real problem and is taking steps to change things (not just getting help as a way of appeasing you).

A charitable explanation for your MIL is that she is trying to protect her son and keep his family together, that she means well. A less charitable view is that she is not concerned for you at all and just wants to protect her access to your dc and will actively harm your relationship by encouraging your dh to see this as partly your fault.

She is absolutely wrong to tell you to walk on eggshells to avoid getting him angry, as this is not something you should ever have to do within a healthy relationship.

I'd keep my distance form mil - regardless of motivation, she isn't a help to you. You and your dh see eye to eye about how you want to look after your child. it isn't your mil's baby and she has no right to look after him if you don't want her to.

I think I'd get this reposted to the relationships board as there are lots of lovely people over there who can give you help and support, long term.

One has to wonder a little whether his current anger issues are at all related to the way his mother handled his childhood tantrums.

Thanks everyone.
I realise my mistake now. I thought she might understand because she has seen his aggression towards others before. I was wrong and will not be speaking with her about it again.
Aldiwhore you are right. This is not an issue with me, but him. Issues from a long time ago I think. I have reached the stage where its AM and change or he has to go. I have been walking on eggshells for too long. It has been suffocating me for a while and I can no longer live like it.
Wilson, yes MIL and his sister walk on eggshells around him and it's meant he hasn't developed the people and coping skills he should. This has made a rod for my back and now my sons.
My husband can get through this, but it is all his effort now. I am here to support him through it, but not to be his doormat.
Thank you everyone x

I would wonder what her relationship was like with your FIL.
She could be telling you how she coped with her partner. And for some reason thinking this is the right way to handle it.

Anniegetyourgun, I think his current issues have a lot to do with his upbringing, but I would never voice that to MIL.
Poorbuthappy, FIL left when DH was young. MIL remarried, but to someone who was aggressive himself. He died when Dh was 18.

I can totally understand why you found your MILs advice intrusive and unhelpful.

And I agree that your DH should attend AM and hopefully will find the techniques and self development very useful for both himself and your relationship.

But I just wondered if Relate might also be helpful to you both at some point? I mean your DHs anger is causing a relationship issue in that it is making you unhappy and most probably very resentful. I am not blaming you for this or saying you are in any way responsible for DHs anger. However there is obviously an effect on the quality of the relationship itself and also how you relate to each other and I just wonder if some support as a couple [and parents] might be of use?

So I guess what I am saying is perhaps don't completely dismiss MILs suggestion of Relate just because she presented it in an insensitive way.

Good for you OP, I really do hope it all works out for you and DP.

Seriously her advice is to walk on eggshells and give her your child more. YANBU. DH has to deal with his anger, not you. Why would you want you and DS to be cowed.

YANBU

Why would you want to have your son looked after someone who is choosing to ignore her own sons problems?

Out of intrest is it only women that he has these outbursts at? or is it every/any one?

Smellslikecatspee he is like that in general. Not just women.
And no, I don't want someone like that looking after my DS.
My husband is dedicated to AM counselling and wants to make it right with his family. Her denial of issues is unfortunately what has led to all of this.