To think that secrets should not be kept from DSS's mother?

[balia]

Recently DSS (9) invited one of his friends for a sleepover (a first for him and us) and DH and I were concerned that DSS's mother would make a fuss/retaliate by cutting access, so apart from a cancelled weekend, we were relieved there was no major fall out. (DSS's mum has MH issues that have an impact on a lot of things).

However, it turns out the cancelled weekend was a co-incidence, as DSS hasn't told his Mum about the sleepover. DH is all for keeping it quiet as well, but I don't think that is OK on a number of levels; the two mothers are bound to meet up at some point in the school yard or whatever and she will find out and feel deceived; it's not an OK message to give him, that one parent can let you 'not mention' something to the other; that he shouldn't be encouraged to think that this is a good way to deal with his mum's symptoms; and finally because it is the same as lying.

Or am I being really fussy about it? DH thinks we should leave it up to DSS.

If I was your DH I would be doing everything I could to get residence.

It's not that she has MH issues, not at all, it's how much they are impacting on her DS (well both of her boys, but you can only deal with the one as the other one isn't your DH's). It is not fair on the child.

I know it's expensive & I think it's always a bit worrying whether you will make it better or worse but I would do it anyway.

As for your DSS - children learn to deal with difficult parents in a way that minimises the fall out, frankly, in this situation I would support him not telling her anything that will cause him a problem. It's not as though you are buying him cider and letting him sit in the local park drinking it with his mates - you are simply allowing him to do age appropriate things as he should be doing. Let him have as much of his childhood as he can while he is with you - making him tell his mother would be horrible :(

Poor kid.

But Cafcass made their report without visiting the house (saw her at her mothers) because the idea of strangers in her house 'upset her'.

I really feel for you OP - what a horrible situation. I can totally understand you not wanting to rock the boat when the last court case was so protracted and fruitless. The poor boy having to live in that chaos and having to bear the impact of his mum's MH issues. It really does sound as though, since his mum seems so unwilling to acknowledge or manage her MH issues so they don't impact on the boys, that he would be better off living with you. I can see that it's a big gamble going to court for custody though, and stirring all this up so that if you don't get custody, you've then got a very wounded and hostile woman who is likely to further isolate DSS from you. Keep getting support on here OP - there must be some people with experience of this kind of thing. I don't know whether getting SS involved would be helpful or counter-productive?