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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be concerned about DD or am I being a bitchy exWife?

24 replies

PlainClothed · 25/01/2012 10:46

DD (age 11/year 6) is in a 50:50 care arrangement between me and exH - she spends a week with each of us, changing homes through school.

Last week she was here, and while she was chatting to her Dad on the phone, he told her that they would be looking at new houses at the weekend as they might be moving. After the call, she came and told me about it, and was clearly anxious about what it would mean in her life.
She has some fairly unpleasant memories of moving house; the separation and divorce three years ago was fairly acrimonious. DD suffered from panic/anxiety attacks after she and I came home one afternoon to discover that exH had ransacked the family home and taken all the furniture & electronics to his new home, and what was left was strewn haphazardly around. Since then, the former family home has been sold too, so DD has already moved twice (into her Dads new home and also with me) in that time.

When I raised this with exH, he said that they weren't "moving", he was only looking at options and wanted to involve DD.

AIBU to think that it would have been better for DD if she is only involved once the move is confirmed and a new house has been decided on? I'm not sure if exH plans to allow DD to be involved in the choice or not (quite likely) - but even if he does, wouldn't it be better for DD if he involved her once it was confirmed it was definitely going ahead?

OP posts:

Catsdontcare · 25/01/2012 10:48

But that wouldn't be involving her would it? It would be saying "DD we're moving it's all set and out of your control"

StrandedBear · 25/01/2012 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tabulahrasa · 25/01/2012 10:52

I think she's better knowing as soon as possible to give her time to adjust to it and give her input

JustHecate · 25/01/2012 10:52

But would she even get a real say? Is it something that is ever 'in' her control to start with?

We are thinking of moving
I don't want you to
oh, ok then

I am in favour of involving children when you are actually going to take account of what they say. Not when it makes no difference what they say. iyswim. In those cases, far better to say this is what we are going to have to do and this is why, and give them the opportunity to say how they think it is going to affect them and say what they think you might be able to do for them to help them to manage the change.

elvisaintdead · 25/01/2012 10:52

She is 11, I think it's fine - my DC got a bit upset last time we moved but in the end the excitement took over, esp when thye saw that thye had biggre rooms and were closer to certain friends.

I think it would be worse to present it to her as fait accomplis at her age tbh.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 25/01/2012 10:53

I can understand why you are worried about how the move will affect the dd, but I don't understand why she shouldn't be involved in it. Can you explain why you are worried about that a bit more?

elvisaintdead · 25/01/2012 10:54

forgive appalling typing!!

Original poster

PlainClothed · 25/01/2012 10:59

kitchenroll - I think it's what Hecate said really - would DD actually have a say? If they are looking at houses and he doesn't like the one that her Dad prefers, is he going to pass it by because of her opinion?
And, tbh, I'd rather she wasn't given that responsibility/influence at such a young age - some decisions are for adults to make, surely?

OP posts:

Original poster

PlainClothed · 25/01/2012 11:00

*she doesn't like the one

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/01/2012 11:04

It sounds as if you want to keep some sort of control, OP. Sorry, but this has nothing whatsoever to do with you. It's not your decision and your ex sounds like a pretty decent Dad actually, involving his daughter.

Back away and keep quiet.

shesparkles · 25/01/2012 11:05

It might have been better to have saved the conversation until he saw her face to face, rather than do it over the phone

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 25/01/2012 11:07

That's fair enough then, I get why you would think that?

How well do you get on with your ex? Could you talk to him about that and both help to manage her expectations of what 'being involved' will actually mean for her?

Maybe if she is told what say she will and won't have, she will be able to feel involved without ever feeling like her wishes have been ignored?

Original poster

PlainClothed · 25/01/2012 11:08

Wardrobe - you might be right; do you think it's better not to share this kind of thing with the "other" parent then?

ExH has berated me in the past for not telling him things that involve DD here in the past - I'll happily leave him to it if he'll do the same - but there seems to be a consistent message to separated parents that "it is better for the children" if significant events in each others lives are shared?

OP posts:

SuchProspects · 25/01/2012 11:09

Your ex told your DD something over the phone that made her a bit anxious. He probably couldn't tell over the phone, but you could since you were with her at the time. You should just mention it to him and point out (kindly) that DD might have some stressful associations with moving. That way your ex can take a bit more time to reassure her and make it a fun exciting activity (which is probably what he wanted to make it for her - looking at new possibilities etc.) instead of a stressful one. You can also take the time to reassure her that you won't be moving at the same time, so she will be luckier than most children who move - a constant home and new horizons.

YANBU to worry when your DD gets anxious, it's what parents do. But the answer isn't to remove all stressors from her life. It's to make them manageable and help her deal with them in a positive way.

eurochick · 25/01/2012 11:11

I think your ex is behaving well over this. It gives her some time to get used to the idea and if she feels involved in the process it might be easier for her.

flippinada · 25/01/2012 11:11

Sorry, how is OP being controlling by expressing concern about her daughters welfare? I thought that was a sign of a concerned and involved parent.

She isn't saying 'ex can't move', she's saying, wouldn't it be better if he approached it in a different way.

flippinada · 25/01/2012 11:13

"DD suffered from panic/anxiety attacks after she and I came home one afternoon to discover that exH had ransacked the family home and taken all the furniture & electronics to his new home, and what was left was strewn haphazardly around."

Yep, he sounds very caring and thoughtful .

pootlebug · 25/01/2012 11:14

Would he have been damned if he did and damned if he didn't? I just wonder if he'd mentioned nothing whether you'd have posted a different AIBU in a few weeks time saying 'My ex-husband has just told DD out of the blue that they are moving house soon. I can't believe he didn't do more to prepare her for this given the circumstances....' etc.

I apologise if I am projecting the behaviour of someone else onto you. My husband's ex has started no end of rows over the years because my husband's behaviour is in her opinion 'not in the best interests of O'. I think the child's Dad (assuming that they are involved and genuinely caring) should be given the freedom to determine whether they think they are acting in the child's best interests....it is inevitable that parents don't agree on every parenting decision even if they're still together. Doing something you don't agree with doesn't mean that they haven't considered the child.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/01/2012 11:15

Well perhaps he's thinking of his DD now and not himself as he obviously was at the time of the break-up.

Keeping control - or trying to - is going to make the situation worse, not better. He is the father, unless he is doing something very wrong, he should really be left to parent in his way.

OP... what's your relationship like with your ex? Can you chat amicably about this?

flippinada · 25/01/2012 11:26

Lets hope so LyingWitch.`

I'm a single parent myself and co-parent with DS' Dad. If he had done something that distressed or upset DS in any way, I would certainly raise it with him. I'd expect him to do the same with me. I simply don't see it is a control issue.

Original poster

PlainClothed · 25/01/2012 11:56

My relationship with him is not good, unfortunately

He often 'tells me off' for not giving him enough information about things that happen when DDs with me - for instance, he's been demanding I explain in more detail my reasons for confiscating DDs phone - he claims he needs to know that in order to support her when she's with him.

I'm not sure if my feelings about how he's handled his possible house move are influenced by that - how come I have to tell him everything, but he doesn't reciprocate?

OP posts:

SuchProspects · 25/01/2012 12:37

So this is partly about the fact he hasn't discussed or informed you of the fact he's thinking about moving house? And you feel he's expecting you to be transparent about small things but he drops news of a major life change ov the phone to your DD without even a hint of an idea it would be polite to let you know too?

If so, I agree that isn't ideal. But urge you to separate out those feelings about how he treats you from your feelings about what's good for your daughter. It is very hard. My parents separated when I was 7 and didn't have a clue until I was much older about how much my mum bit her tongue and held herself above my fathers behaviour. It was in my best interest though, and I'm very grateful she was able to do it though I also see it cost her personally. It is a huge shame my father was less able and he pays the price now in terms of my respect for him.

Original poster

PlainClothed · 25/01/2012 13:26

prospects that is really good to hear - I have spent a lot of the last three years biting my tongue and rising above exH behaviour - it is only in the last couple of weeks that I have begun to challenge him about it

I'm not comfortable challenging to be honest - I was much more comfortable ignoring him when he "told me off" and just dealing with the fall out of the decisions he was making as best I can. The problem is, he was angry that I wouldn't talk to him, or respond to his emails, so he started communicating via his solicitor, and made sudden & significant changes to the care arrangements for DD that meant she stopped seeing me every day without telling me or her in advance.

So recently, I have been more challenging; previously, I wouldn't have said anything to him about DD being upset about the move, and would have supported her the best I could myself, but because he has said he feels I am letting DD down by not talking to him, I did speak to him about it - only to be told that there was no reason for me to know about it yet, as it wasn't confirmed !?!

Perhaps I need to go back to taking the "high ground" and not reacting to his behaviour - but I worry that if I do that, he is likely to escalate his behaviour like he did before, in order to get a reaction

OP posts:

SuchProspects · 25/01/2012 14:57

That sounds very difficult. Is there a way to move from these issues being about challenging/telling off to simply being communicating?

In theory you could both mention, even discuss issues that are affecting your daughter without either of you being told off or challenged. But I realize that isn't so easy when the split has been acrimonious, and in any case requires you both to be on board and probably to rebuild some trust in each other. Would some form of family counseling be a possibility?

Flip