..to think he should have said "no"?

[GiserableMitt]

I'll try and keep this brief.

DH is working overseas. He's had four weeks at home since mid October and I don't expect him home for another couple of weeks.

A day or two after I expect him home his friend is coming to stay so DH will be spending a lot of time with him, which I have no problem with.
A week after his friend leaves DH will be heading to his home country for about 10 days.

He's been asked to teach a course overseas two weeks after he gets home from his visit back to his home country.

My Mum will be visiting (we are expats) and the kids will be off school that week so I'm not thrilled at him being gone again.

He asked me what I thought of him teaching that course and I said if he absolutely had to then it's not a big deal but personally I would prefer him not to go as I'm sick to the tits of having to deal with everything on my own I'd like to be able to spend some time together.

He emailed his company saying he'd prefer not to go as he's had so little time at home but if they were in a bind he'd do it.

Obviously I can't forbid him to go but thought I'd made it clear that I don't want him to go so AIBU to expect him to have just said a flat NO, he's not going?

You said "if he absolutely had to then it's not a big deal but personally I would prefer him not to go"

He emailed "he'd prefer not to go as he's had so little time at home but if they were in a bind he'd do it."

That's exactly what you said to him - poor bloke did as you said. Only if he absolutely had to.

If you wanted him to say No, why didn't you say No?

Because I'm trying to be reasonable and not dictate what he can and can't do workwise.

I was hoping he'd figure the rest out himself.

Sorry GiserableMitt I don't think that you gave him a very clear message (although if I were you I would probably have felt I didn't have to). It's quite possible that he is thinking just the same as you in his message - ie that he can't say refuse but hopes they will read between the lines and not ask him to do it.

Sounds very rough for you to be an expat with a dh who is away for such a long time, so you have all my sympathy, but I do think you need to be more straight up about your wishes. Can you tell him now?

cross post!

I found throguh a very tough period in my marriage that hoping your other half will be able to read your mind is a very bad idea. Be straight and tell him that you are really unhappy about the idea and you really want him home then.

He knows how I feel. Maybe I should have said "I dont want you to go" rather than "I'd prefer you not to go" ?
Perhaps he'd have said something different to his company had I said the latter. A learning maybe
I also think his colleague asked DH to go in his place because he wants to be home when the kids are off too

Really I think that you should have. He might even have wanted you to be more positive about wanting him not to go (although I am reaching there and might of course be utterly wrong). I just think it is really easy not to say what we really mean and then be upset when what we actually say is acted on.

It's something I have learned/am learning and still not very good at. Some people are much better at it naturally, but if you've been brought up not to be 'pushy' it can be really hard to put your feelings first and say 'actually I am really not at all happy about that, please don't do it' - too often I find I say OK to things when I'm seething inside and it's not good for anyone.

I think it was the "it's not a big deal" that caused the most of the ambiguity. It obviously is a big deal to you. That is ok. But you hoped that he would realise you were not being truthful when you said that it wasn't. He's not a mind-reader.

YABU, because all he has done is do exactly what you asked him to do.

Your Mum will be there for one week to keep you company though.

FFS he took you at your word. Grow up.

LOL, ok