to ask your opinions/experience/personal preference.

[EllenandBump]

So i have been thinking about when my divorce FINALLY comes through, do i change my name back or not.

Fors-
I will have no link to my ex
I will no longer be a MRS so therefore my own person
I will be able to return to my old identity

Against
Children can be really horrid- why havent you got the same name as your mum
Schools can assume you have the same name

Just wanted people to say what they think i should do. He was very abusive. I have also thought about changing my name completly by deed poll so i am not linked to either married or maiden name which would make it difficult to find out where i am living, or would he have a right to know i've changed my name? Not my LO's Just mine?

Sorry you've had a rough time Ellen. Divorce can't be much fun for anyone whatever the reason. Anyway, I've never been married or divorced so not sure if I'm qualified to comment...just in case....
my PARENTS divorced and my mum kept my Dad's name. I always thought that was a bit strange and I kind of resented her for it- she'd left my dad but somehow saw it fit to use his name. Since then I've grown up and can see that she kept it so me, her and my brother all shared the same name. Also, she'd had her married name longer than her maiden name and she said she'd already been through the hassle of changing once, she didn't want to do it again.
I don't think it really matters to be honest. Also, I don't think your X would have any right to know if you changed your name. I also don't think it matters hugely if your LO has a different name- it's really very common these days. My DS doesn't have my surname. Do what you feel like! Good luck!

Thank you.

Hi Ellen
My parents divorced and my mum kept her married name. I must ask her why.

Nowadays - not sure it really matters. so many families don't have parents that are married (like me), my kids have a different name to me. and Some mums choose to keep their maiden name.

Sounds like to me that going back to your original name or a new one would be the final casting off of a horrid experience. so perhaps for that reason it is the right thing to do xxxx

Dickhead left me and I'd have happily gone back to my maiden name. I asked the DCs and they all wanted me to stay as Mrs. Married Name. I'm not that fussed, it's only a surname, so I'll stick with it for now.

Some ponderings...

When my mum divorced my dad she kept her married name because it was the same as mine and my brothers and because she said that the person she was when she had her maiden name no longer existed (she married at 21 and divorced at 43).

She remarried at 51 and divorced 18 months later and she then kept that married name as well and still goes by the name of Mrs. NewMarriedName despite it being a very short marriage and now living with someone else!

She kept it because she couldn't be bothered to notify everyone after the hassle of only notifying them 18 months earlier.

If I were to divorce my DH then I would keep my name because I'd want to have the same name as my children. But then I doubt my DH would be a complete dick like yours has been so I (hopefully) wouldn't feel the need to remove all trace of him.

This leads me to wonder how your child would feel about having his last name but knowing that you'd changed yours because you hated him so much? Could you give yourselves a whole new name for a whole new start? Something really positive and uplifting? There's a Mrs Rainbow at my friends school...!

Although, you'd have to get his permission for the child...

Argh. Blummin' marriage and PR!

I know, hence i wasnt going to change my LO's name only my own which ex has no right to stop me from doing. He will have contact with his dad, once the solicitors and contact centre get it all sorted out, but i wont be having contact.

I was under my mums name cos my parents were never married but that didnt really enter my head when i was a kid cos i was only 15months when he passed away.

My maiden name made me the butt of many jokes throughout my time at school, even some of the teachers thought it was ok to make fun of it, so when I married and got one of the most ordinary names there is, I was overjoyed. Then I remarried and changed to that name, and then I divorced and remarried again, and use three of the four names interchangeably now, depending what it is I'm doing.
If I wanted to ever get a passport or driving licence I would have to pick one and stick with it, and probably go and get a deed poll and do it all properly, and change about ten things all into whichever name I picked to have just one ID and use it, but as it is, I have 2 forenames I go by, 2 surnames I use lots, and one surname I only use for a couple of things.
My DCs have 3 surnames and I just sign thingss/answer to Mrs. and it all works out ok.

I am now Ms Ex-married name.
Like you I didn't want to have a different name from my DS. Also, I feel that my name reflects who I have become. I don't even think of it as my Ex's name anymore. It's mine. I got it in the divorce.

Not sure i want it as art of the divorce. I am starting a fresh. I had literally nothing to my name when i moved down to mums, so everything will be my own, and will be all what i have saved and bought for myself or ben given by my friends so my ex will have no right to any of it. I also didnt want him knowing where i live when i move so i thought it may well make it harder for him or his mother to find me. Such a mess!

Please don't worry about having a different name from your children or anyone being horrible to them because of that. Or asking qs.

I lived with my husband (now dead, sadly) and had two children, they had his surname and I kept mine. We married, I kept my name, and the DCs kept the same name as him.

Now he's dead, they have his surname, which is rather nice, I think.

However I have the name I always did. No bullying or questions ever, so don't be influenced by any worry about that.

The only thing that pisses me off these days is that I get called Miss, which is irritating and infantile, as if I am some strange born again virgin.

If you want a new start and a new name, I am sure everyone will accept it.

The most important thing is that you look at all the options and choose that which best describes you.

I'd been with my partner for eight years and had 2 DC, when I changed my name by deed poll to his as I wanted us all to have the same.
When he buggered off a year later, and subsequently married OW, she demanded I change it back as she was the real Mrs X. Oh how I laughed.and vowed to keep it forever

I keep his surname as I like to be the same as the DC. But that's my personal choice. I can certainly understand why you would want to separate yourself from him further by changing your name.
It's none of his business, and no one bats an eyelid at these things nowadays.

I've never had the same surname as my DC, no-one cares, yes school tend to call me Mrs DP, but it's not a big issue.

I'd be cautious about changing it in case it makes your LO feel like your rejecting his name, but that's just me and if he's little enough that he won't know that doesn't matter.

I never married. People always call me mrs x. It doesn't bother me. Sometimes I correct them (if I speak to them regularly) if I'll never talk to them again I don't bother. E.g with the chemist ringing about y sons prescription I leave it. If it's school I correct them.

could you be Miss ex husband's name? then you'd be the same as your DC but not Mrs? DP and I are not married yet but our kids have his name and it isn't a problem - also why would kids at school know your name is different?

Kids can be soo cruel, i knew that i didnt have my dads surname, he died when i was very young. My LO is 18months so doesnt really know, hence i wanted to get it sorted out as soon as possible so he never has to know. Not sure if you can be miss xh's surname. Might be worth looking into, just really want to change my identity so hopefully he cant find my address out and as a fresh start and new life for both of us.

Any ideas to the cost of changing it by deed poll?

MYFRIENDFLICKA, I am so sorry for yours and your childrens loss. My heart goes out to you and them. I grew up without my dad, so i do know how hard it is.

xx

I changed my name in 2004 by deed poll and it was £35. No doubt will have gone up! Really easy to do online.

As far as I'm aware there is no law saying you can't use Ms. X surname. You can use whatever title you want.

May well just do that then, but could he find me? I mean obviously i would, without doubt, make sure my address was not given to him, and tick the box on electoral register to keep you out of the public view electoral register.

Thank you for your help.

If you change back to your maiden name - as far as I know you don't need to do anything other than just do it, it's your previous name, you still 'own' it for want of a better phrase, lol

I'm fairly sure the same applies for just changing to Ms over Mrs - it's just a title change after all and anyone can be a Ms if they want, it's just the opposite of Mr

If you change by deed poll you can pick any name you want

I was thinking of my grandmothers name (which he doesnt know or have any means of finding out as she died about 15 years before i was born), hence no worry saying that on here. I will therefore still be related to my family, but not so easily traceable!