to not feel bad about this?

[drippyVaJjandVagBean]

Sil is pratically nomadic, she hasn't spent christmas in the same house for 6yrs she moves so often, its utterly ridiculous. And there's even more back story as to why she doesn't warrant help or support (after my miscariage she said "I won't feel bad for being pregnant" no hope your ok etc)

Me and dp moved twice and no one, I mean no one helped even when we begged as our car broke down.

Sil is moving again, dp --the family mug-- offered to lend a hand, I initially got rather angry and tried to put my foot down, but realised its his life if he wants to be a doormat.

Now me and dp have been invited out for a very good friends birthday, no plans set yet, it may be a night in at there's or ours (these friends are our dcs gaurdians so not just people we know) and the day after we won four tickets to a safari park and art gallery and I've been extremely excited about it.

Sil is moving that weekend. And its being laid on thick that she's pregnant with a toddler also and needs help. (She has a husband, and two other brothers as does her dh) dp can't really physically help anyway, and they live 110miles away so it would leave us seriously out of pocket.

So aibu to not give a shit were busy to not consider re-arranging, to not care that she 'needs' my dps help? To think they should stop guilt tripping him! And that if we can move single handedly with two dcs in tow so can anyone else physically able. Its not my dps responsibility is it?

Not on every occasion no - but my BIL thinks he should be prioritised on every occasion and whilst his own mother might think everything should be dropped for him, his brother does not! We do a lot for our extended family but there comes a point where you have to say no.
If OP had no plans for weekend she would be unreasonable and should be happily waving him off. But she does have plans which could be jeopardised - this is no concern to her SIL but it should be of concern to her DP

"He's adamant he's helping, there's clearly been some serious text guilt tripping. He recons he'll leave when the dcs get up and be home in time to go out, so considering that's 4hrs + travel time as its saturday so will be chaos what's the point I mean what's the actual POINT!!!! Of helping for 3-4hrs at OUR COST."

So when are you going out? And what happens if he's late back?

Wow OP. Just Wow. Your SIL said these awful and deliberately spiteful things to you following your m/c-and I am surprised your "D" H is even talking to her let alone scuppering your plans as a family, to help her move!!! Christ on a bike!
I agree that your DH needs to deal with this. It's his sister-but you are his wife. In your shoes, (obvs, I don't know how he reacted when those things were said by the SIL at the time)I would be v concerned about a lack of prioritisation of your feelings-and backbone from the sounds of it. Especially as its not essential that HE helps from the sounds of it.

In your shoes, if he refused to give way and support you by sticking to the plans you had already made, I'd have a lovely meal with the DC& guardians on my own and take the DC and perhaps another adult friend to the safari park-I honestly would.

Had he committed to helping her that weekend, or just said he'd help out on an unspecified date?

If the former, I think he needs to stick to it.

If the latter, he is committed elsewhere and he is letting you down by messing up your plans to help his sister.

We got the invite to safari etc in december, sil said she was moving in the new year, he offered to help, I stated immeadiatly it couldn't cost us anything.

I got comfirmation of our tickets etc monday having checked with dp and friends who are coming too the date was ok, tuesday sil gets a moving date.

I don't drive so if dp goes I'm out of options.

I've said to him if she sends the fuel money, can't be trusted to get it there (been here before) and if she let him down the safari park would be cancelled, before hand and he is back in time for our meal with the friends saturday, that's a compromise although I feel he should say no, the safari is early start the sunday, but sil wants him the whole weekend. And is seriously making her protests heard.

I can't be bothered with it, aslong as we get to see our friends and the safari park trip isn't ruined I don't care. But she cannot compromise and slacken the guilt trip on dp.

Really if someone said sorry I have pre arranged plans that weekend I can do a few hours saturday would you not just say ok thank you --and complain behind there back?--

Saturday is arranged to see our good friends, its been months and its hard to get a babysitter so its been organised since just before christmas.
Sunday is safari park, very early start.
Sil wants him friday-sunday night. I've said go until saturday evening, if he arrived home at 6ish we could drop the dcs at gps in time for bed etc, not ideal but a compromise.

I'm quite astonished at your SIL's behaviour! Why does no body pull her up on it? Especially your DH?

After all she has done and said to you the last thing your DH should be doing is wasting good money in helping her out, and at the risk of missing your already- paid- for trip!

I'm truly

Newyear- exactly.

Squeeze she's the only girl after four boys, it is truly astonishing seeing how they've all been conditioned to treat her. Its like pavlovs dogs except instead of a bell its a simpering voice.

Luckily this isn't frequent thanks to the 110miles between us, we lived nearby for a year, it was not much fun.

Op you need a medal! Thank goodness you no longer live nearby! I hope you do get to enjoy your day out anyway.

Your DP needs to say NO - firmly and loudly. You can't tell SIL yourself, there'd be no end of ructions and you'd be the bad guy forever.

Why won't your DP prioritise you and his family?

'And the day I was in hospital having an erpc she texted me asking if she could have the outfit she knew I brought at 12wks'

no no no

I could not respect him if he put his sister before me and his children in such circumstances. If it were a genuine need it would be different , but this is her exerting her authority over not just him, but also over me. No, I could not respect him at all.

smith that was exactly what I said, not what I needed when I was simply texting my mum to check on my dc.

I've left it at, "I'm not happy she's being made a priority over us, I would prefer you to say no, however the compromise is if she pays complete costs, so *£40 to cover fuel and feeds you, and you are home for 5pm so we have time to settle dcs with my mum and get ready to go out"

*its possibly less than £40 worked on mpg but given we've drove there on many a weekend I know it one traffic jam after another which is like stabbing the fuel tank with a screw driver.

I'm to tired of the atmosphere to continue to say no, I've left it up to him and if he fucks it up its another black mark against his name and my tollerance of his family.

Sorry but I'd be putting my foot down and packing a bag to leave myself with the DC at this.

Why the hell is he even talking to someone who has disrespected his wife and family so badly? He does realise that's HE'S the one she's slagging off by proxy, doesn't he?

Probably not the best approach but I'd completely lose it at this. If he wants to put her first - I'd be off.

Or you could just say that you've had enough now and that if he wants to help, that's fine, but it tells you all you need to know about where his priorities lie, and that as a result you'll no longer want her in your home- contact is now cut as far as you are concerned.

Or, he could draw some fucking boundaries, reassure you that he puts you and his family first, thus making it possible for you to consider seeing her again.

Thecunt --hahahaha -- love the name.

The saddest thing is I thought we were close, friends even but since her treatment of my loss has been so shocking our fortnightly visits have been cancelled and I've not seen her in two months. It will be staying that way. This is my house and I don't care for being made to feel the way she makes me, any more than I care for laughter when her 1yo smacked my dds face repeatedly until her nose bled, I was dealing with ds upstairs, they laughed whilst telling me

I've told him as far as I'm concerned our 'relationship' with her is over. Done.

I know it sounds childish but right now I just need normality, I lost the baby just before christmas and now rl is resumed its hitting me.

But is he still going to help?

If she gives him the £40 to cover travel before he goes, which she won't.

We've settled on that as then were not the bad guys saying no (family fueds happen very easily)

good!