to want something in return?

[WantAppreciation]

I give my DH a lift to his mates once a week, most weeks. I then collect him again a few hours later. (about 30-40 mins round trip) I have been doing this for a few years, and lately have started feeling a bit unappreciated, so have asked that in return for the lifts each week, he does something for me - doesn't have to be anything amazing, just something and I would like him to do the something without me having to ask for it each week. AIBU? Should I just give him the lift every week just "cause I love him"??

Does he do nothing at all for you.. ever?

Of course, we do the general day to day stuff that people do

YANBU but you might need to give him some kind of ideas of what you mean. Do you mean take a chore off your hands, or give you a lie in or do a DIY task or buy you a gift or what?

Anything... doesnt have to be big. Last week, I asked him to do the shopping (I usually do it), he could make a romantic meal, run a bath, buy some flowers, a back rub that kind of thing

YANBU

But you are being unreasonable to expect him to d something without asking. You are setting him up to fail and for you to feel narky with him.

If you don't want to do the lifts don't do it. But don't make yourself a martyr and punish him for it

But its not that i mind giving the lifts because I don't, but at the end of the day, its about an hour and a half out of my day, and would be nice to know he does a little something for me. I have asked him to do something, its not like I want him to be psychic about it.

So I should just not give him the lifts, so he doesn't get to go, or has to stay all night?

It's not nice to feel taken for granted is it

But maybe you need to be more specific. Ask him to do a particular task every now and again.

To say, "if you don't do things for me then I'm not giving you a lift" is a bit too open ended.

No - if you want something in return then tell him what it is you want.

It isn't wanting something in return that is the problem, it is not telling him what you want!

It's just going to piss you off more if the thing he gives you is something you don't want!!

What has he said? If he is refusing to do anything then YANBU

I think if you felt valued and appreciated in your relationship, this would be a total non-issue. You need a spontaneous gesture of appreciation - that's understandable, we all do from time to time. Talk to him about it - don't make it all about the lift thing though because on its own it sounds a bit petty - just use it as an example.

Agree - there is more to this than the lift

(BTW I think that is a really kind thing you do - I'm not sure DH or I would do that for each other!)

Why couldn't he go if you didn't give him a lift?

ok so I need to tell him what to do then... seems a bit forced then, did want him to just do it on his own. Ok... thats what I shall do.

He did say that he didnt realise the lift was such a chore - and not to do it if I dont want to, but thats just missing the whole point IMO.

I guess it is a feeling in general then, I just want him to do something nice for me every now and again.

Sorry there is drinking involved, so he would have to drive and stay or not go.

Why do you drive him? Bit odd that he didn't realise it was a chore!

Just because you are asking doesn't make it any less nice!

I have a friend whose husband buys her flowers every Saturday. Everyone thinks it's really romantic but it's just so timetabled! Much better less often and more spontaneous!

I think you feel taken for granted and not just on the lift. maybe you need to think about what it is you do that you resent and tell him. eg if you are doing all the washing up - tell him you feel put upon and you want him to do half/whatever you deem reasonable

I dont really feel put upon about anything else, maybe I just have it too easy . We share all household duties etc so its just this bit I do extra, most of the time its ok, but sometimes im tired and I dont want to have to do a 40 min drive at 11pm

Ok - well if it is just the driving

why do you take him?

Maybe the thing he could do for you is learn to drive! (I speak as a non-driver who relies on DH for lifts too!)

I'm trying to think what activity means drinking is compulsory - I appreciate a lads night without a few pints won't be as good but it wouldn't kill him to not drink every few weeks and drive himself surely? DP and I make this sort of deal all the time. DCs are too young to be left and cabs are too expensive to use very often so if either of us wants to go out we have to drive ourselves unless its a real one-off and we treat for a cab. Is that not an option also? - Incidentally I don't disagree that he should reciprocate with something if you are going to give the lifts - but you do have to tell him!

Not drinking is not really an option, he doesnt enjoy himself if not drinking with them

You're doing him a regular favour and so one in return is only fair.

Be specific and think of something that really does equal the effort being put in (like you say at 11pm no one really relishes the thought of getting in the car)

It's really OK to be specific and once he understands that if you get X you'll be happy to do Y he'll be fine about it all if he's a reasonable sort.

What would you like as a treat once a week? Takeaway paid for and collected on Saturday and a bunch of flowers on a Sunday?

sorry xpost

you are even more of a saint! I would tell him to go alcohol free and drive himself once a month or so!

Do you have a regular night out?

Are we talking about a DP or teenage DS? I can't believe you have been driving him once a week for a few years so he can have a drink! A night on lemonade isn't going to hurt is it?

Doing the food shopping is not him doing something for you

Unless you meant some personal shopping for you, like picking up clothes you've reserved in a shop or something?

Yeah but it saves me having to do it , and no, just regular shopping.

Nope, im not a big drinker so even if I do go out, 99% of the time I will drive