One-sided arrangements with friend - does she just not like me?

[Shimbo]

Just wanted to get your views. I have a lovely friend who I have known for years since uni. She lives locally so I do like to arrange to see her occasionally. The thing is, over the years, I always seem to be the one who texts her to see if she'd like to meet up. She does text to say Hi, and hope to see you soon, but only once in a very blue moon gets in touch to see if I am free to meet up/invites me somewhere - almost always that falls to me. She does seem to have a very hectic social calendar! Do you think she is not too fussed about our friendship?
Mind you, I guess I am absolutely RUBBISH at getting in touch with certain friends of mine. It does not mean that I do not love them or want to see them, far from it.

I would just cool it with her and leave it for a while and see if she contacts you. If she doesn't then you will have your answer...

Does your friend seem keen to meet up when you suggest it, does she turn up on time and without messing you around re arrangements and then do you have an enjoyable time together? If so I don't think it matters who texts who first. If however she is evasive or unreliable re getting together I would maybe consider the friendship had run its course tho'.

To add, I have stopped contacting lots of people over the past few months that I felt it was one-sided with. Some are making more effort now and others haven't contacted me since, so I'm happy to discount the latter category and end the friendship with them.

Yes Kamer, she does turn up reliably and we do have a good time together. I wonder if it may be a personality trait that she never makes the first move - she is the same about making any decision about where we meet.

She may feel that you will get in touch when you are free and not want to hassle you otherwise, especially if that has always been the pattern.

I can be a bit scared of rejection so often will just say must catch up soon or let me know when you're free rather than giving someone a specific date or asking them to do a particular thing with me. Am working on it but it's hard!

It may be a personality trait or a lifestyle difference (?) I think I have one or two friends who think this about me I do care about those friends very much and have a fab time when I see them. The problem is that I'm often travelling for work, have a very hectic schedule and several non-overlapping social groups, a large family and a partner to split my time between. And I'm not terribly organised!

I think if she didn't care about the friendship, she'd give you much clearer signals - i.e. not meet up even when you invite her!

But tremolo why is you being disorganised and busy an excuse not to make any effort? Lots of people have hectic lives, I'm sure your friends lives aren't any less hectic than yours. Not making any effort is saying "I'm so important you can make all the effort as you are clearly desperate to see me" IMO.

Hex It's not really that I never call these people, it's just that it's much more likely to be them calling me because they are free and more likely to be looking for something to do. It's not all my friends, it's one or two.

I don't think I'm so important that I'm more busy than everyone. However some people's lives are less busy. For example, I have a friend who doesn't work and doesn't have any children. Her parents live abroad and she has no siblings. Most nights she is having a night in with her DP. I reckon I can say she's less budy than me without being a total presumptious arse.

Also, it may be a personality trait. Some people are more lazy socially. Other people are 'organisers'. If you feel resentful being an 'organiser', don't be one.... sounds like you already took that step anyway

I think it needs to be equal though, I don't think it does a friendship any good long term if one person is doing all the organising, all the time. Like you say, it breeds resentment.

Even if it's someone's personality trait to be lazy socially, to me it would mean that I wouldn't be friends with that person long term as to me it's not an acceptable excuse or a personality trait I am willing to accept in a friendship :)

I think we have different dynamics in different friendships. Maybe she just expects that because you usually suggest things, this will continue and all's well.

Maybe she is lacking in confidence. I say this as it is something that I lack myself and I am always delighted to hear from people but am somewhat scared of getting knocked back by making the first move.

Actually, that was a bit of a revelation writing that out!

me too screamingfrog. Am trying to get over it!

I think that the confidence thing can be an issue in lack of effort but I think in some cases it is an arrogance thing too, it certainly seems to be in some of the people I've met that just make no effort at all and expect the world to come to them.

You may well be right Hexagonal, because I have to say that this does not apply to me with my closest friends where the contact is definitely 2 way.

It is really those relationships that are not yet established as friendships iyswim.