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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cheating before marriage...

24 replies

tiredbutlearning · 24/01/2012 13:08

Help me mumsnetters.

I have just found out the my husband of 3 months was sexting and has not yet admitted to actually cheating for nearly a year before our marriage! We have a 2 year old....so whilst he was out at "meetings" doing god knows what I was at home cleaning, cooking and bringing up our child.

The story get worse - I am 9 weeks pregnant, and 99% sure i dont want this baby since finding out this info on my DH! I am booked in for an abortion.

Everything I have dreamt of has come crashing down.....please offer support in anyway shape or form!

OP posts:
blondie80 · 24/01/2012 13:17

You must be going through a horrible time right now.

Have you left your dh? or is it just the baby you don't want?

Original poster
tiredbutlearning · 24/01/2012 13:21

I found out a week ago. I feel i have nothing concrete anywhere around me - apart from my BEAUTIFUL DD!

I dont feel its the right time, for me mentally, physically or for us (DH and ME) or fair on my daughter.

I dont know what is happening in the future for me, him or her....right now I am trying to make it work for my daughter - and I feel that bringing a baby into the mix will only make matters worse.

I feel pretty sick at the thought of having to do this - but then i also fear the idea of being 29 with 2 children....

OP posts:
iscream · 24/01/2012 13:23

I am sorry you are going through this.

What does he have to say about it all?

ImperialBlether · 24/01/2012 13:24

How awful. I'm so sorry for you. I don't blame you at all - he's blown your family sky high and I can see why you don't want to go on and expand that family with him.

Do you know he was cheating? How did you find out?

Original poster
tiredbutlearning · 24/01/2012 13:29

Thanks ladies - not sure why but i decided to check his phone. After 4 years of marriage there were a lot of girls names the i have never heard of with messages saying - " lets meet for a drink xxx" from him......

and one message that i read as far back as MAY last year -we got married in Novemeber!

What does he say - Im sorry and ill make it up to you. I will respect you and love you more...!!! - BUT he married me - does that mean he didnt when he married me!

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredbutlearning · 24/01/2012 13:29

and the message from may - was os crude and graphic i nearly vomitted reading it! I cant for get any of the words!

OP posts:
Cherriesarelovely · 24/01/2012 13:31

What a horrible time for you, I totally understand that hideous feeling when something you thought was solid and true in your life turns out to be the opposite. It is so devastating. Have you talked to your DH about it?

Cherriesarelovely · 24/01/2012 13:33

sorry x post.

That is a pathetic explanation although, it's hard to know what anyone could say to actually make your feel any better about that. Hard for him to deny it. Is he really upset?

Original poster
tiredbutlearning · 24/01/2012 13:36

He appears upset and down - but on the first day where I found out - I told him to pack and leave and he Blo*dy did! No fight - the next 36 hours where full fo guilt trip apologies and what not - and i dont feel he is really fighting or changing. BUt having to live in a house and keep up pretence for our child is VERY hard.

OP posts:
iscream · 24/01/2012 13:41

I hope this isn't too blunt, but perhaps you should get checked for std's, just in case he did meet them. Do you think they (females) were off a dating site? Since you never heard of them?

iscream · 24/01/2012 13:44

He has no right to lay any guilt trip on you.

Would you want to forgive him if he admitted it and agreed to couple therapy?
Or would you prefer to divorce him?

Original poster
tiredbutlearning · 24/01/2012 13:45

That is a good idea! More SH*T for me to deal with....

OP posts:
OneHandFlapping · 24/01/2012 13:47

"He appears upset and down"

Don't feel sorry for him. Just don't. He is just sorry he got found out.

Cherriesarelovely · 24/01/2012 13:47

How awful. Presumably he came home again?

Original poster
tiredbutlearning · 24/01/2012 14:36

after my dad gave him e stick for walking out on his wife!

OP posts:
Cherriesarelovely · 24/01/2012 15:27

It's a horrible situation for you. Do you want him living there or would you prefer to have space?

Original poster
tiredbutlearning · 24/01/2012 16:41

its not just me to think about is there - I hate the situation - ignoring the man you loved, seething from every part of your body while he is all nicey nicey to you and our daughter!

OP posts:
my2centsis · 27/01/2012 04:47

How are you OP?

Original poster
tiredbutlearning · 01/02/2012 11:26

All is calmer - but still undecided on future! x

OP posts:
DCgirl · 01/02/2012 13:26

Please don't do anything rash regarding the pregnancy. Was it planned? Would you want to go ahead if you hadn't made this discovery? (I get the impression from your post that you would). I think you need to separate your feelings about the baby from your feelings about him. Take him out of the equation and ask yourself do I want this baby? If the answer's yes it's not going to be easy but you've got to be strong and do it. Don't let that dick of a husband dictate what you do or don't do.

Doha · 01/02/2012 13:27

The future in not the one you thought you were going to have.
Your H is not the man you thought you had married. This man is a stranger to you and your past is based on a lie.
The one thing you do and always will have in common is your DD.
He willingly moved out when discovered-the actions of a coward, and it took your dad to intervene to bring him back.
Get yourself a STI check, believe nothing that he has told you, you and only you can decide if you can get past the cheating and the lies.
The fact that this has gone on over a long period of time would be an absolute deal breaker for me. It only stopped because you found out. I have too much self respect to be treated so badly.

DCgirl · 01/02/2012 13:28

P.S. Best of luck.

Pseudo341 · 01/02/2012 13:38

Please get some councelling before going through with the abortion, it's not something you'll get over easily and you need to be sure. The fact that he's been lying to you for so long and went ahead with the wedding and getting you pregnant a second time is absolutely disgraceful, only you know if it's forgiveable, and do you honestly believe he can change?

FelicityWits · 01/02/2012 13:47

Oh you poor thing.

For what it's worth, I agree with you that a termination is the best option. The fact that it's your gut instinct means a lot I think, and your reasons make total sense.

However do take some time to think about it and talk it through with a counsellor (most places insist on counselling before the procedure).

It sounds like it might be easier for you if he moved out again. What a total cock. He took his wedding vows knowing they were a lie and intending to keep lying. What a total, total cock.

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