To not want to invite this guy to my house until I REALLY know him?

[TylerLips]

I got talking to a man on a dating site about a month ago (rough estimate as I was talking to a few guys around the same time) and got to quite like this one. We swapped numbers and text each other for about two weeks after that. He kept saying he wanted me to cook him something (in response to me saying I made a great curry) and I assumed he meant way down the line. So anyway he initiated a meet and wanted to buy wine and come to my house. I said no, we'd need to meet in public place first. He agreed and we met for a drink. We did get on really well and had a laugh and both wanted to see each other again but he's going on about coming to my house with wine again and me cooking.
AIBU to say I'm just not ready to give my address out yet? I don't know his address.

Very pushy

I don't like the sound of him

Maybe he's just after a shag? Maybe he's married and doesn't want to risk meeting in public? Maybe he's a murderer? Maybe he's all three of the above. He could be fine, but if so, he'd be fine about taking his time to come to your home. YANBU. Don't you dare think you are and cave in to him!

But why does he think this would be a treat for you? The fact you can make a nice curry doesn't mean you want to spend a date evening cooking it!

Why don't you just send him the recipe?

I always tend to trust my instincts when it comes to internet dating. If you don't feel comfortable then don't do it. It doesn't matter why you feel uncomfortable so much, it's more the fact that the feeling is there.

If he really cared about you, he would have your best interests at heart and would be arranging 'dates' in Pubs/restaurants, public places basically. Yes you may well make a fantastic curry but instead of asking you to cook, he should've perhaps suggested going to an Indian restaurant together (as you obviously enjoy Indian food).

He's being a knob.

Well I've just told him I wasn't comfortable giving my address out yet and maybe we should cook at his. Sent the text before considering the implications of this however and he's called my bluff and accepted. Now I'm thinking what the hell am I doing going over to some bloke's house that I don't even know! plus if we're drinking wine etc, I'm not going to be able to drive there unless I sleep over. Trust me to go and make things even more complicated.

I don't have a bad feeling about him at all to be honest, I've seen his facebook page and all the info he has given me checks out. I just like to play by the "rules of online dating" and can't help thinking if he DID decide to turn psycho on me - what the f* could I do against a 6ft3in bloke whilst locked in his house on my own.

(I always did have a great imagination).

Don't do anything that you are not comfortable with. Just say no.

Can you get a mate, preferably a burly 6ft4 rugby player, to drop you off and make it clear they'll be back at some stage to collect you expecting you in one piece?

I'm sorry to sound rude but you're mad and totally ridiculous to even contemplate going to his house when you clearly aren't that comfortable and don't know him at all. Facebook? So what? It doesn't tell you what he's like after a couple of drinks when he doesn't get his own way?

Why put yourself in a that position at this stage? What on earth is wrong with simply meeting for a drink/meal somewhere in Town?

Make sure you tell someone where you are going, with the address etc. Can you still drive, but not drink? Sure, having a few glasses of wine would be more fun, but at least you have a way home. Otherwise, can you take a taxi/public transport? If he pressures you into staying/drinking - just make it clear you're not that kind of girl. If he's any kind of gentleman he'll understand.

You're right HoneyNut, I really didn't think it through when I offered to go to his house, I suppose I was trying to get him to see how uncomfortable it would be to have someone you hardly know in your house but obviously he doesn't seem to mind. I didn't expect him to agree to it.

oh dear, I wouldn't have done that either

contact him again, and say you had second thoughts

arrange to meet a local pub/restaurant and talk to him about it there

No! Don't go to his if you're not comfortable with him coming to yours!

You need to meet him somewhere public until you feel comfortable with him. I met DP online and let him come round to mine on the second date but that was because I just knew he was the one [soppy emoticon] my housemate and her burly boyfriend were both going to be there.

There were other men I met before him (some weirdos and some who seemed perfectly nice and normal) that I wouldn't have invited over because I didn't have the same 'sense' about them iyswim.

If you live alone and/or don't feel comfortable about him, you really shouldn't have him over to yours and you definitely shouldn't be going to his.

I agree with stabiliser. I'm not sure it's such a good idea to go on a second date to his house with a man you've just met on the Internet even though I did EXACTLY the same thing a few years ago and was perfectly OK but if you do, try to get somebody to drop you off and pick you up. Or at least give his address to a friend and agree to call her when you've left his house. Any decent man will accept you have to put your safety first, not his feelings.

On the plus side, I did meet my DH through on online dating site 6.5 years ago and we now have 2 DCs!! Good luck, hope it turns out well.

Despite you saying you don't have a bad feeling about him, his behaviour is clearly making you uncomfortable. I think you need to text/speak to him and tell him it's too soon for a 'night in' for you, you'd prefer to meet a few more times somewhere neutral and public. If he's decent then he'll accept and respect this.

He won't, 'cos he's just after a shag.

If he was a gentleman, he would've not have accepted your request to go to his house. He would've said that it was maybe too soon and considered it from your point of view. He would've asked you what you liked doing, maybe planned something exciting/different for you to do together and suggested that you wait for a few weeks before going to each others houses.

*he wouldn't have accepted

Plus, there's always that risk that if you start the 'coming round' thing too early, they NEVER take you out anywhere cos it's so much easier staying in for a shag

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

YANBU

fucks sake!!!! is he dumb?

just say NO

If your instincts were really telling you nothing to worry about, you wouldn't have posted here in the first place, you would just have gone. I've gone home with men I barely even know :o which is not logically the best idea but I didn't worry about them for a second. Some men make you think like this, and others don't. That doesn't mean he's evil or whatever, just that you don't feel like you know him well enough yet.

Just say "on second thoughts, let's meet at X restaurant", and if he presses, just say you want to take things slowly/you would like to go out more often/you've heard it's really good.

I'd tell him that now you think about it you realise it's the sort of thing everyone warns you against - going to someone's house when you've met online and don't know them well and that you've changed your mind. It is OK to do that -much better appear rude than end up in an even more uncomfortable situation where you feel pressured, trust me. If he is a good guy he will not have a problem with this, if he gets arsy you will have your answer about whether to see him again!

This is what pubs and wine bars and restaurants and theatres and cinemas are for, ffs! What possible reason is there for going to someone's house for a second date (and bear in mind he wanted that for the FIRST date!) except to spend time alone with a few drinks.

OP, a decent man wouldn't have suggested the first date was in your home. He would have wanted to take you somewhere nice. He also wouldn't then have suggested the second date was in your home. He'd still be on his best behaviour and trying to impress - he would have suggested a meal out. When you were clearly uncomfortable with all this, a decent man would have insisted on meeting in public until YOU were comfortable meeting in one another's houses.

This man wants a shag, OP. Fine if that's what you want, but don't expect to see him afterwards. Sorry, but he's not a decent guy.

Ok I've just told him I'm not comfortable with going to each other's houses yet as he "probably" isn't an axe murderer but I can't say for certain that he isn't! He agreed and said he was hoping I'd say that as he was concerned about seeming pushy but also didn't want to sound like he was hiding anything at home.

So we're meeting in the pub again lol

I guess the old fashioned advice holds true: don't let him into any part of your life that you haven't equally seen of his.

You meet his friends before he meets yours etc.

Sexist and outdated, yes. Guaranteed to earn you a bit of respect, certainly.