to think family should be fair when buying dds presents or aibu?

[familyfun]

dd1 is 4.6, dd2 is 14 months. up till now dd2 has been too young to notice if people come around and bring something for dd1.
gps keep coming round and giving dd1 a small toy or bit of chocolate and giving dd2 nothing, she crawls over to see and is old enough now to see dd1 getting stuff without her.
this week they gave dd1 some chocolate and bought dd2 pjs, her first present off them and obviously more expensive than the chocolate so they had started to include her. dd1 had some chocolate and offered dd2 a small piece and gps said "no no dd1 that is yours she has pjs" i said she can share a bit as dd2 will want a bit and they seemed put out like dd1 should have ate it all without sharing cos dd2 had pjs but babies dont really appreciate pjs do they?
we dont expect gps to buy either of them presents and have actually asked them many times to stop buying all the time as we are overrun with toys/books etc, but would it be rude to say if they want to bring a present could they bring them similar things so we dont have jealousy problems or is it upto us to explain to kids that they will get different and have to deal with it.

I don't think your 14 m.o. DD is really going to be upset about inequality at this stage - fast forward 2 years and she might start getting a bit chippy about it. I wouldn't sweat it at the mo.

FWIW we have always bought one of any toy for our DSs and told them they have to learn to share. As soon as the oldest was able to understand, we explained that sharing toys meant that they would enjoy a wider range of toys to play with. Being the youngest means that you get the advantage of loads of cool toys already being in the house, but the downside is that they're always secondhand pre-loved before you get your mitts on them

If your DD1 is kind enough to spontaneously share her choccies with her Dsis, good on her, IMHO that should be encouraged.

your version of fair and theirs is different.

Thy think they are being fair.

My 14MO would like some chocolate, but wouldn't see 'inequality' IYSWIM.

I think you should keep your mouth shut and see how this pans out. They seem to be being fair enough ATM.

yes i think they are trying to be fair and include dd2 a bit now, dd2 doesnt care about inequality but she knows her sis is eating chocolate and dd1 was kind enough to share some so i think they should be left to share but gps seemed to think dd2 should have no chocoalte and enjoy her pjs instead so i think i will just tell them we want them to share.
they give dd1 money and not dd2 or give dd1 £2 and dd2 50p but that doesnt bother me at the moment as neither know the value and just pop it in the piggy bank, dd1 often puts the wrong coin in her box anyway .
dd2 has plenty of toys as you say she has all dd1s old stuff which is in good condition so wants for nothing really.

I think YABU.

My parents are always looking out for things that the DC might like, and they never come without something for each but its not always equal and my DC understand that. I would be annoyed if DD always got better things than DS1 etc but sometimes DD gets a more expensive gift sometime DS does.

My kids don't understand what things cost anyway so equality is hard to measure, eg they might not see for example a £10 DVD being the same in value to a £10 pair of pjs.

I think it is a good idea to never get into the habit of being the same to 'be fair'.

It might be different if they were older, but as long as one isn't always favoured over the other I don't see that it matters.Swings and roundabouts.

If your DD1 wants to give a small piece of her chocolate to her little sister, that's up to her, and a nice thing.

my sister and i have 2 years between us and had to share everything when we were growing up if it was something unsharable then neither of us got it, if i end up with 2 i will do the same.

I think GP telling DD1 not to give her baby sister any choc when she offered is setting a bad example, if anything they should be praising her for being such a sweet girl wanting to share with DD2. I would never sit munching chocy without offering to others around especially my sister.

Remember equality isn't treating everyone exactly the same, it's treating them according to their needs, so I don't think there is anything unfair about the gifts although I would find them not wanting your eldest to share a bit off.

Personally I would be firm with the "I want my children to learn to share" thing and leave them to it otherwise.

yes you are right thanks, being equal and being fair arent the same. i think it was the choc that got to me as dd2 wanted some and dd1 was happy to share and then they made out like it was wrong and dd2 shouldnt have any. normally dd1 gets more stuff/more expensive stuff but thats cos dd2 is a baby still and has lots of dd1s old stuff and lots of clothes.
i think i just worry for dd2 as she always seems to get less/all second hand stuff and i dont want her to feel hard done by as she grows up.