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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To approach babies Aunt when I have nothing to do with my ex?

23 replies

deelipip · 23/01/2012 21:43

I'm 7 month pregnant.
I have nothing to do with the babies 'father' (his choice - it was a very very short fling, so short I don't even think the term ex could be used) and to my knowledge he has moved to a new town.

He did not have a relationship with his sister (she is gay and he had some 'issues' with that) but though people at work and such I know who she is (we work at same hospital)

I accepted (if that is the right word) his decision to have nothing to do with the baby, and that by extension his family (not that I know any of them- i only know this woman is his sister though people at work)

But as I know he has nothing to do with her, and she is the babies aunt I am debating approaching her.

Part of me wants to approach her for the sake of DC
But OTOH I don't want to become 'that woman' ?

Is it unreasonable to approach her?

OP posts:
chunkyjojo · 23/01/2012 21:49

Not unreasonable at all! Just because he's not interested doesn't mean members of his family wont want to know their niece or nephew. I know if it was me about to become an aunt I would hope to have some involvement in that childs life. Everone is different of course so while I say go for it maybe just don't have expectations IYSWIM?

Oh and congratulations!

Nagoo · 23/01/2012 21:56

I don't think it is unreasonable to approach her.

You seem to have only the best intentions for your DC.

I think it's a nice idea. Can you find out any more about her before you get involved though? You don't want her to turn out to be 'that woman'

Good luck.

troisgarcons · 23/01/2012 22:01

Possibly YABU - I certainly dont like or want my brothers offspring anywhere near me. I think it a BU to expect someone to pick up their siblings offspring as 'family' (and what does gay have to do with it???).

IQuiteLikeVodka · 23/01/2012 22:07

troisgarcons... how harsh!
I don't believe that Troisgarcons's opinion is that of the majority OP. What have you got to lose,I would definitely want to know my family members.

troisgarcons · 23/01/2012 22:09

IQuiteLikeVodka

really? the little shit stole the contents of my mothers jewelry box and my fathers medals - I have no desire to EVER see him again. He is a spawn. He is not one of us.

thepeoplesprincess · 23/01/2012 22:10

YANBU at all. She might well be delighted.

If you do approach her tho, I would send a card personally. If it does all go tits up, there's less chance of your sentiments being twisted against you if they're written down on paper.

Original poster
deelipip · 23/01/2012 22:12

Trois her being gay has absolutely nothing to do with it- i only mentioned it to show why he doesn't have any sort of relationship with her (not just a fight or something)

OP posts:
nothingoldcanstay · 23/01/2012 22:32

Well I think you can justify it as being in the interests of your child as you can as least say you tried with his/her side of the family. I would be a bit concerned that you might get dragged into some family stuff though that won't be in your interests.
I had the same sort of situation although I knew the father for many years. I sent his sister a text to tell her she was an Auntie and got "good for you" and have never heard from any of them again. Ho Hum.

G1nger · 23/01/2012 22:35

Definitely offer. I'd appreciate it if I were the aunt.

squeakytoy · 23/01/2012 22:37

Your child is not going to miss someone he or she has never met.

Are you sure your motive for doing this is not to have a dig at the child's father though?.

You dont know this woman, it isnt as if she is your friend.

lechatnoir · 23/01/2012 22:39

I think it's a lovely idea but does she know you/baby even exist? Tread carefully IMO

Picalo · 23/01/2012 23:16

Attempting to put myself in this womans shoes, I would want to know if I had a neice or nephew. Whatever my future decision was at least I had the choice of what to do.
I like the idea of a card or a letter.
Make it clear that you want to tell her but make it clear you don't expect anything fron her. Leave the ball very much so in her court.
At least you will know you gave his family knowledge of DC if nothing else

Kladdkaka · 23/01/2012 23:22

My daughter's biological father has had nothing to do with her for 17 years. She does have a relationship with her paternal grandmother and her uncle and auntie.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 23/01/2012 23:39

Your child is not going to miss someone he or she has never met.

Not necessarily true. Children are curious and this child will have no information on half of their blood family.

It would be nice to give the aunt and the rest of the family the option of having some contact with your child. If you, as suggested above, do it by letter and take it slowly, you may find that they do want a relationship or at least some form of contact. If they don't, it's no reflection on you or your baby and you will know you did all you could for your child.

Don't write off the whole family because the child's father walked away. Children can never have too many people who love them.

keepingupwiththejoneses · 23/01/2012 23:52

I would approach her. If he has decided he wants nothing to with you baby, there is the possibility he hasn't even told his family and they may like to know your baby. It is not his place to make a decision for them, just because he doesn't want the baby doesn't mean they don't. I grew up not having anything to do with my Dad but knew my auntie and cousins, which was lovely.

Graciescotland · 24/01/2012 00:11

My uncle decided he didn't want anything to do with his eldest (new family and all that) Hmm Just because he doesn't want to see him doesn't mean that we feel the same way.

I do think that someone's suggestion of a card or letter was a good one.

GashInTheAttic · 24/01/2012 00:24

Go for it.

The more people to love and be happy about your baby the better.

If the child were my niece or nephew i would love/want to know.

TheCraicDealer · 24/01/2012 00:35

I don't think there'd be any harm in simply saying "I've accepted ex doesn't want to be involved, but if you or any other members of your family feel differently then please let me know".

thejaffacakesareonme · 24/01/2012 03:46

I think it would be a nice idea to write a card or letter. In time, your child may start asking questions about the paternal family and I'd like to think that I'd done everything for my kid and given them the chance to be involved. Whether or not they want to take you up on that opportunity is up to them. I think that although most people would want to be involved there'll be a minority that will not want to have any involvement. Good luck with your decision.

GColdtimer · 24/01/2012 04:49

Troisgarcons, just because you have valid reasons for not wanting to be around your niece/nephew doesn't mean to sat they have any relevance to this situation Hmm

If I was the aunt I would want to know I had a niece or nephew so I think you should drop her a note. Do you know anyone who knows her?

Original poster
deelipip · 24/01/2012 10:25

Thanks

A letter or Card okay
twofalls Not really. I know peole who know people she works more closely with.

OP posts:
MissTapestry · 24/01/2012 10:36

I think you should tell her so that she/ the family at least have the choice. I would want to know if it was me.

LoonyRationalist · 24/01/2012 10:50

I'd certainly send a card or letter. TheCraicDealer gas made a great wording suggestion.

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