DH is doing my crust in

[BobblyGussets]

He is arguing with what seems like the minutae of my day to day "mothering" of our DSs and I resent it.

I have just spoken to him at work on the phone and told him DS will becoming home for lunch for a bit in future: back story, DS has some friends, they are all year 4 and they all like rough and tumble too much, it always goes too far, DS is easily led. He gets involved messing, but is then complaining when he gets hurt. I have told him to stop etc. Anyway, it's wearing for him.
I was having a light conversation about DS1's school day with him tonight and he says, "oh rubbish at lunch, I didn't play with anyone".
So I asked him, "do you fancy lunch at home?" and his eyes lit up. Great, I thought, it will give him a non-confrontational break from it all and he is only three minutes walk alway so that isn't an issue.

Well DH thinks it might separate him from his mates, he doesn't want him playing computer games or goggling at the TV if he does come home etc. Well DH won't be home, it will be me doing lunch and seeing to DS1, so why not? Now this has fucked me off, because he argued the toss with me just now about it, he wants these sanctions in place, but it would be me enforcing it IYSWIM. This has come on the back of DH banning the DS's from playing onmy i-phone because of squabbling etc. This is my phone and I will decide who gets to go on it and when. I am irritated because he works full time and I only do 15 hours so am the main carer. I agree with the sentiment, not too much TV, computers etc, but he is pissing me off mithering about what I allow every other conversation when he just isn't there and I am in charge.

I have let DS 2 play on the phone today. DH banned him for a week from it because of bad behaviour at the weekend, but DS2 is 3 1/2 ffs sakes. He has no concept of what a week is. We have done other things today like play football in the garden together, so it is not as if that is all we do on DS2's non-preschool days.

Rant over. I am cross about DH and his constant moaning and polishing up his old chestnuts over computer games. He bloody well plays them himself, so I smell a big, fat, steaming , brown pile of hypocrisy and it is getting right on my tits. He is on his way back now and needed to vent/get feed back before I give him the icy reception. GGGrrrr

Calm down. He is actually allowed an opinion on his own sons' upbringing. Why don't you both come up with an agreed 'acceptable' amount of phone & computer time?

Are there other issues in your marriage?

I think he's right. I have a pal who started bringing her child home at lunch because of issues regarding rough play and ten years later she's still bringing him home at lunchtime.

You need to be consistent and agree on punishments.

He should have an equal say on your sons upbringing.

And how would you feel if he undermined your punishments?

you know minding your children is the one thing both of you will always feel fully entitled (and be so) to express your opinions to the other.. tho I feel your pain - after all you presumably don't tell him how to run his work life whereas it seems that he's doing it to you - tho as htye're his kids too he is entitled...

However I agree with you re sanctions of wk off phone being over the top for 3 yr old. About the coming home at lunch, I agree wiht him tbh I think ..

Really think you should forget the icy reception and instead have a chat

The punishment itself isn't wrong. Its the length of punishment that is out of whack. I would discuss length but uphold all discipline or the kids will play you off each other.

He's spot on re: lunch. If you have concerns, did you bring it up to the nursery teachers? Bringing him for lunch isn't going to solve anything. Just delaying the problem.

And, he's the father. You each have a say. Just not you.

I think your DH is right about your DS1 tbh. Letting him come home at lunchtime sounds like a bad idea especially if he will be watching tv / on the computer.

I think the sanctions on DS2 are too long / harsh but undermining your DH by ignoring what he has put in place is not the right way to sort that.

Yabu

I'm a SAHM but if it were dh at home and he let one of the dc come home for lunch because of problems at school, without discussing it with me first, I'd be very annoyed. You and your dh are a partnership, you need to work together and decide as both parents how to raise your dc.

OP regarding lunchtime, it's a no in my book as he will eventually learn not to partake if he keeps getting hurt. Children learn to self moderate, it's all part of growing up.

Apart from that your DH sounds a bit of a stern sod to me. If there are any rules to make you should do this together and he shouldn't lord stuff over the pair of you.

A bit of a talk is on the cards here.

Thanks for all your replies. I have calmed down now and DH has come round to the coming home at lunch time thing.

We live in quite a priveledged area, but since DS changed to the school here just over a year ago, I am agog at how rough the kids are in terms of hitting one another and it how ineffectual the school are about dealing with it. We only live 3 minute's walk away and it will give the poor dinner ladies a break from DS. And I can't be doing with the violence really. Sounds dramatic, but the hitting is awful.

To those of you concerned about DH being "allowed" an opinion, he definately has opinions and we are usually on the same page, but he does get his way quite a bit and is a hands on dad. We are both strong characters and I love him to bits, there is no-one I would rather be with, but I won't have my day micromanaged. As to how I would feel if he undermined my punishments: this happens quite a bit, so it is small beer for me to disregard one of his in the course of managing my day.

I was nearly suicidal with lack of sleep when DS2 was born, it was terrible and I just wanted to co-sleep to save me getting up 10 times a night in the cold for months on end. DH said no, that he really didn't want that, and I really lost out enjoying DS2's early months because I was so tired. Looking back, I should have done it anyway, because it was me getting up and I was wrecked, so I think any issues in our marriage are because we are two strong characters.