to tell his family to bog off

[cuteboots]

Ok long story cut short. Ex who was a total nightmare has just gone to prison and over the weekend I had his family on the phone telling me I was wrong not to let him see his son prior to him being sent down?!! We havent had any contact with him since last October as we knew this was going to happen and I found the whole thing really sick and horrid...

YANBU if it was likely to be more upsetting than constructive for your ds. Especially if it was going to purely be an exercise to make your ex feel better. Plus, kinda depends what the prison is for, and whether you feel that your ds would've been safe with your ex.

YANBU, if he was really bothered he would of got solicitors to sort out a contact arrangement for him, it has nothing to do with his family, maybe they should of done a better job with their son, and then you wouldn't feel like you have to protect yours from him.

Just ignore, ignore any phone calls from them.

How old is your child?

Does he want to see his Dad?

Did he ask you for contact?

Did you stop the contact or did he?

Sorry, really not enough info in your OP.

WorraLiberty- He was seeing his son up until October when the court case kicked off and I never did anything to stop this

GypsyMoth- Total silence as the court case was in progress so I had the tears and a little boy wondering why his dant hadnt called him!!!

exactly, so he couldn't be arsed, so no YADNBU, maybe point this daming fact out to his unhelpful family.

So it was his choice to stop seeing his son?

In that case YANBU if you didn't prevent contact.

How old is your son?

WorraLiberty- hes 8 this week and has said he doesnt want to see him anymore as he just lets him down! I cried as I think thats so sad coming from a small child.

OTTMummA- His family believe hes innocent and shouldnt be in jail me on the other hand think he should have got longer !!

Aww I'm sorry to hear that, it must be awful for your son and for you.

Sounds like he chose to stop contact. Sorry but what did he get sent to jail for ?

I don't think it is remotely fair of his family to blame you if he refused to contact you or or son during the court case and yes they need to bog off.

However, I've seen a relative go through the court system for a serious crime and seen the effect its has on them and everyone in the family including kids and it is like a sledgehammer on their emotional state, even on big burly blokes. Ignore the family but maybe write to him to keep a door open there if you want your son and him to maintain a relationship somehow (if they did have a good relationship and you think its worth salvaging)?

SmethwickBelle- its affecting him at school and hes going to see the councillor they have in case theres stuff he feels he cant talk to me about. Im not even sure where he is and it would mean keeping in touch with the family?

Catpark- Hes been done for fraud and rogue trading basically which I find awful as its involves elderly people!

yeah, why am i not suprised, he sounds like a right prize!
OP, i would probably just leave it with your son tbh, maybe when things have cooled down a bit, approach him, tell him that if he has changed his mind, (which is okay if he wants to) then you will find a way to contact his dad for him.

being honest this man has always been a pain in the butt and the only good thing that came out of it was my son really. Hes like a cat and had his nine lives I think...

The thing is, that men like this get away with irresponsible behaviour towards their children because their families condone their actions, always defend them dispite not knowing both sides, and usually blame the mother for any outcome they do not like.
So little respect gets shown to the mothers they wonder why they don't want their children around them etc.

I would be ashamed of my son if he didn't make all and any efforts to see his child, should a relationship with the mother fail.

OTTMumma- Ive had enough of him now and just want to get on with my life. He offers nothing really but its like a cat toying with a mouse he keeps coming back every now and then just to see if he can creep back in....

It's a bit late them phoning you about it now!

If you or your son do decide that you want contact, then prisons sometimes have a family liason officer who will explain visiting procedures and so on - you shouldn't have to arrange contact with his family, I think the prisoner usually decides who comes to see them. Also, some prisons offer a 'bedtime story' service where prisoners can tape themselves reading a book to their kids, which help them stay in touch. Even if they don't, prisoners can do chores to earn wages, which they can use to buy writing materials. Finally, there are also various charities set up to help the families and, particularly, the children of prisoners, who should be able to help if you need advice.

None of the last paragraph is to say that you should stay in touch - I don't think anyone would blame you if you didn't want to take your son on a jail visit. It's just to say that there is help out there and contact opportunities if you want them, once things have settled down. And it shouldn't be one-sided, either - your ex can still make an effort from the inside.