to wonder why I am the domestic drudge and DH does sod all?

[ivorycoast]

I was made redundant a few months ago. Up until that point I was working full-time and doing all childcare/household chores for 2 dc's (5 and 2). Now I'm not working (though desperately applying for jobs) DH seems to think he can get away with doing nothing.

During the week he does work long hours (gets home after 7pm) so I have the kids bathed, fed and bed normally by the time he gets home and his dinner ready. During the day I will have done all usual chores like washing, ironing and cleaning. I'm happy to do this as I know he has been working hard all day with a long commute.

At weekends though I kind of expected he would help out with the kids and maybe cook the odd meal. Instead I find I am still doing everything. All the cooking, ferrying children to various clubs and friends houses, washing up and so on. DH literally relaxes, spending time on his playstation, going our for long runs, messing around on facebook or going to the gym.

Now I know he works hard during the week, but so do I, looking after the dc without a break. AIBU to expect him to get off his arse at the weekend and help? I feel like I get no time to myself, no chance to relax and have just turned into a domestic drudge. We had a huge argument about this last night and he promised to be less 'lazy' but I can't see things changing.

Just stop! He should also be doing stuff in the week so that you can look for work (if you want).

Don't take up the slack....leave the stuff for him to do. Insist. How the fuck do so many men get away with this nonsense.

He's doing it because he hasn't been told any different and he's been allowed to get away with it..

here are a lot of assumptions made when one person works outside the house and the other works inside the house. If neither of you have had a conversation about this (pref at the beginning), then why should he do any different (he is a man after all).

The worst thing is - the more he does it, the more you get annoyed and the anger simmers until you have a big argument.

Now you have got the intial argument out of the way, you both need to sit down and agree specifically what he will do at weekend and what you will do, so that you both get some time out. Promising to be less lazy, doesn't specifically say what he is going to do.

Start the conversation with something postive - like 'Lets work out a plan so that we both get an hour to ourselves on both days on the weeknd and also take itin turns getting up with the children, so the other gets a lie-in.

For example: You get a lie-in until 10am on a Saturday, but when you get up, you then sort the kids out until lunch time, so your hubby gets to do his thing. Saturday afternoon, you both spend an hour away from the kids doing some household stuff. You then swap it round on a Sunday.

You both need to be specific about what you want for yourself and what you expect from the other person.

Good luck,

Give him specific jobs/areas of the housework that he is in charge of - e.g emptying bins, supermarket shopping, etc. and he looks after those. If they're not done properly, then you have more grounds for pulling him up. Otherwise he seriously will just not see that there is anything that needs doing and is oblivious to your plight.

Pick things that will get in his way or annoy him if not done. With cooking, I struggle as it is easier for me to do and get a decent-tasting meal rather than lots of shouting at the saucepan and burned stuff, so I make sure he takes charge of DS food at the weekend. We also have set days that he puts DS to bed (DH home after 7pm too) which includes both Sat and Sun. He is in charge of vacuuming at the weekends, bins, putting washing on before leaving the house in the morning, etc.

Dh has his household chores to do and i have mine ( jointly discussed) and as long as they are done it is free time for both

Does he realise that youre doing unpaid work of childcre and cleaning? Some people don't think of this as work. I know one couple who take it in turns to be 'on' at weekends. So one takes charge of the kids and I think the other does the chores and has a bit of free time.

difficult to say if you're BU - depends on whether you've raised this already. if you're with the kids all day every day then i guess you ought to have a half day at the weekend all to yourself when yoru DH can also re-connect with the kids without you around. have you tried this?

it's hard for the 'second' carer to know where and how to step into the primary carer's routine. you need to be more structured and pre-agree your 'time off' and who cooks what at the weekend. having a routine will make it all much easier and clearer for everybody.

if you've tried this and he's still 'being lazy' then YANBU, but if you're trying to communicate by assumption and inference then YABU to expect him to realise.

Don't "expect" OP, we all get disappointed when we do this in a relationship, he's not a mind reader. Have a grown up chat about it.

I would say that if he is working full time and you are not presently working (albeit not through choice) then it's fair enough for you to do all the chores, especially if your 5 year old is at school.

Good luck with jobhunting.