'D'Parents ignoring DD1

[Picalo]

Me and DH have just had DCs 2 and 3 (DD1 and DS2)
My parents live an hour away and came over to look after DS1 when I was giving birth.
Have been over to see twins both when we were in hospital and now we are home.

My Parents ignore DD1 completely. Both didn't hold her when in hospital and haven't held her since we are home. They don't ask to, they make no move to acknowledge her at all.
They will ask how DS1 and 2 are but never ask about DD1. If I volunteer the information they shut down, act like I haven't said anything.

They bought us some new baby clothes along with other things - and said they were for DS2.

They will ask if we have a name for DS2 yet ( we haven't got names for them yet) but will not ask about DD1.

Basically DD1 doesn't exist (she has been asleep in the same room, woken up crying and my parents haven't even looked at her which is the complete opposite to what they are/were like with DS1 and 2)

I am a twin.
My twin (my brother) died at 7 months of cot death. He was the eldest twin as is my DD1.
I understand that it might be bringing up those feelings for my parents, us having twins that is.

But to completely ignore DD1 (I do mean completely) doesn't seem fair.

Or am I just being completely ridiculous and a tad over sensitive?

YANBU at all.You must get this out in the open and ask your parents what is going on.Explain that if they continue to ignore your dd then they cannot have a relationship with any of the children.I think you are probably right that they are scared of history repeating itself but if that is the case then you will have to help them get over it.Physically put dd in your mother's arms and get her to look at the baby.
I really hope you can work this out but ultimately they have 3dgc or they have none-brutal but necessary imho.

I think it needs discussing and they need to hear that it isn't fair to be like this. Your daughter won't know what's happening now, but what if she's still being treated like this in a few years? Or it continues throughout their whole lives? I know this sounds extreme but the difference in treatment would be very obvious and hurtful for your daughter, and it would have an impact on her.

Is it because she is a girl do you think?

I would just be open and ask them about it, probably individually. Ask in a concerned rather than pissed off way just saying you are upset that they give your son alot of attention and none to his twin sister and don't understand why they are acting like that. It is strange.

I agree. Raise it with them in a perplexed, not annoyed way

You need to nip this in the bud. If they continue like this your dd will be at risk of being emotionally damaged by these people. She will wonder why they are ignoring her and it will affect her

Tell them to pull themselves together otherwise they can't see any of the children.

Do you have any brothers? Were you treated differently. It may be to do with the fact she is a girl.

I have 2 brothers, we were expected to be 'different' (parents are very very old fashioned) - so expected to do different subjects at school, different chores etc. but I was never ignored (just treated differently)
I actually thought that my parentswould embrace having a GD (my mum has been dying to buy baby girl clothes since I got married)

Thanks all

She is your mother.. just ask her! :)

I think you're right that it's to do with the baby they lost and perhaps they have deep fears about loving your dd. If so treat them gently. YANBU but maybe it will take them a while to be able to acknowledge your dd given the feelings she stirs in them. Is there a way you could bring up the subject of your twin eg consider his name as one for ds2 or asking your mother about her memories of looking after 2 babies? It's good that your elder twin is a girl as this is a great way to engage your mother especially. It might take them a while to accept her but I think you need to encourage them to do so in a sensitive way, especially around their 7th month when there might be a lot of feelings about. Perhaps on your birthday there might be a way to remember your brother with your parents to ease the taboo of that's what's going on. Best of luck with your lovely babies.

I think that it probably is to do with the baby they lost. You do need to broach it with them and tell them how it is making you feel though. They cannot continue to ignore the fact that you have another child.

This is soo sad. I just saw your baby name ideas (I put my vote up there).
Maybe it is bring back memories but (I dont mean this cruelly) those are their memories and they are tarnishing a happy time for you.
I think I would ask them seperatley and maybe as you mentioned your mum had always anted to buy girl clothes as her forst and away from your dad. It could be your daughter looks like your brother and it bought it all back to them.
Good luck and enjoy your little ones (Gulliver and Callie for me )

Congrats Picalo on the birth of your twins. What you've described is very sad and I do agree it must be related to the death of your brother. However hard, it needs to be acknowledged and dealt with. Never mind poor DD picking up on it, DS1 would prob be the first to tackle it head on in a way that only kids can do. They are so perceptive and say it as they see it. Gently talk to your Mum, tell her it's upsetting you and I am sure you'll get to the bottom of it. Good luck and mind yourself. All 3 DCs need a happy Mummy :)

Thank you all.

Nice idea about naming. Twin Brother had a double first name.DS1 has 2nd name of his first name as his first name and both twins are having his 2nd first name as middle names.

I will have to bring it up with them - maybe you are right, mum first.