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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be getting a little fed up of paying for everything?

21 replies

WhereIsJan · 23/01/2012 08:57

Been with "boyfriend" for around 8 months. We do have a great time together, he always treats me with respect, calls me, texts me all the time and often talks about a future and has hinted at marriage. He's also great with my kids (although has only met them a couple of times). He works with disabled children so is a natural with kids really.
When we met we were both full time students. I was first year, he was second year. My finances were in a better state because my bursary was better and the fact that I have children means I do get quite a lot of help. So I didn't mind paying for stuff, not everything but for instance if we went away for the day anywhere I'd cover the petrol etc. He graduated last year and now has to do another year on a different course in order to allow him to do the job he wants to do. I knew this from the start but am starting to get a little irritated with paying for everything. For example we're going away for the weekend next weekend and I'm more or less paying for the whole thing (petrol and B&B, he's going halves on the dinner).
It's an awkward one because I do get double the money he gets but saying that, he's sat in the pub most nights (the ones he isn't with me) which irks me a bit - however he doesn't actually drink so is just buying soft drinks which I suppose won't cost that much.

Am I being unfair here? I don't suppose I can expect him to pay with money he doesn't have. He does say when he qualifies he'll make it all up to me and has said our combined graduate income would be great which suggests he wants to live together when we both graduate.

OP posts:
Buggerit · 23/01/2012 09:23

Well yeah yabu, a little bit. He doesn't mean to be poor, it is not his fault he has no money, but I can see why it would get on your nerves. imo though, if he can't afford to chip in for breaks and days out he shouldn't be expecting to go on them, and you shouldn't be offering them if paying is going to be an issue.

pigletmania · 23/01/2012 09:26

Well don't go on weekends away, go on cheap days out, or find free stuff to do like walks or park.

lubeybooby · 23/01/2012 09:26

He might get less but your responsibilities mean you likely have far, far more expenditure. Could you afford to go to the pub all the time? No? then there's your answer.

YANBU at all

aldiwhore · 23/01/2012 09:27

YABU slightly. If he can't afford to pay his share when you go away for the weekend, you shouldn't be going.

If it was your idea, then I think that you should have considered his money (or lack of).

I do understand why its a PITA. I'm sure my DH, a good man who's the only financial provider in our household, gets tired sometimes of that burden. But we don't do anything we can't comfortably afford and me SAH was a mutual agreement that he signed up for (as did I and long term, my financial potential has certainly taken a large knock).

Your situation is different as you're not living together. In which case, only do what you both can afford.

WhereIsJan · 23/01/2012 09:30

Sorry my OP should have said he was in his 3rd year when we met (his final year).

OP posts:
thepeoplesprincess · 23/01/2012 09:30

It depends on whose idea it was to go away. If you're planning stuff you know he can't afford, then griping about paying for it then YABU. However, if he's planning stuff he can't afford then expecting you to just pick up the tab, then YANBU.

janelikesjam · 23/01/2012 09:31

to me it seems strange that he is letting you pay ...

WhereIsJan · 23/01/2012 09:33

To be honest it's me that suggests going away. He always says he wouldn't mind waiting until he's in a better financial position but I'm impatient and just offer to pay. It's my own fault really I suppose. I would just hate to be sat in front of the TV every weekend.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 23/01/2012 09:35

Then YABU, you want to go away, he tells you he cannot afford it so yes you should pay. There are plenty of things to do which are cheap or free that you could do, the only option is not sitting in front of the TV all weekend! Do some research in your area or around, I know where I live there are lovely walks and free museums. There are cheap places to have lunch too.

pigletmania · 23/01/2012 09:37

Once weather gets nicer, go for a drive somewhere nice and have a picnic. Even ask on here there are so many people on MN who will gladly give you ideas on cheap and free things to do.

Kayano · 23/01/2012 09:40

YABU

My husband supported me while I studied and then it evened out when I was working. You want to go away, you should pay ATM.

He is a student, it's not like he is just sitting around twiddling his
Thumbs

maybenow · 23/01/2012 09:40

it's up to you really, you could drop your expectations of what you do in your joint leisure time to his income level and half everything, and put the rest of your money into the bank for savings.

or you can keep subbing him to do what you want to do.

your choice.

i've always said the same to my husband (pre-kids) who earns more than me. i was happy to live on my income level and half everything, if he wanted more stuff, bigger house, more holidays that was his choice and he had to carry the difference in cost.

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 23/01/2012 09:46

Yabu to complain when it's your idea and you know he doesn't have the money

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/01/2012 09:51

YANBU... OK so he's a student but, rather than sitting drinking in pubs all night, he could be working behind the bar getting a few quid or doing weekend jobs like other students have.

It's not unreasonable to want to go away for weekends or have fun. If you like him enough, wait until he's earning a decent income and accept you'll have to pay. If he's not so special, find a boyfriend that is more solvent.

MeltedChocolate · 23/01/2012 09:53

YABVU Hmm

giveyourselfashiny · 23/01/2012 09:54

yabu, if you make suggestions and he says no cause he cant afford them you cant then complain when you offer to pay~!

MAYBELATERNOWIMBUSY · 03/02/2012 20:59

COMMUNICATE WITH HIM !

squeakytoy · 03/02/2012 21:01

If he has time to sit nursing soft drinks in a pub, he has time to work behind the bar in a pub, and earn a bit of money.

ChasTittyBeltUp · 03/02/2012 21:04

YABU...you want champagne lifestyle when he has panda pops income.

He probably would not dream of a weekend away at the moment.

Whose idea was the time away?

ChasTittyBeltUp · 03/02/2012 21:06

Ah. I see it was your idea...you KNOW YABU!

redwineformethanks · 03/02/2012 21:37

I'm more surprised about the fact that you've been together for eight months but he has only met your children "a couple of times".

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