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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to drop and run from my hysterical 3 year old

31 replies

veronicalake · 23/01/2012 08:34

My 3yo has just started pre school. First week she was great. I had predicted she'd be a nightmare as i have never really had anyone to take her on a semi regular basis and she can be quite clingy. Her sister was the opposite but her brother also clingy but less demonstrative with it.

So last week she starts on the way there with 'i dont want to go' and finally we get there and she is hysterical when i try to leave. She actually grabs onto me and ends up scratching and pulling at me as they try and take her. It is awful.

However i do think part of it is for my benefit perhaps but i could be wrong.
I think ime the best way for this to be dealt with is short and sharp. Drop and run but it is hellish and i cant help questioning is this the right thing to do. So far after the initial hell she has settled fairly quickly and they have rang me to say as much.

AIBU just gritting my teeth and prising my screaming child off me? Feels awful.

OP posts:

doradoo · 23/01/2012 08:38

All for your benefit if she's settling quickly once you're gone - and it's working isn't it - you feel awful......

Had the same with DS1 and gut wrenching to walk away and leave but actually it's doing them no harm. Just try to make the drop off as quick and simple as possible.

so no - YANBU.

Original poster

veronicalake · 23/01/2012 08:40

She doesn't start until half 9 yet has been crying for past 20 min she doesn't want to go. it is horrible.

OP posts:

lililolo · 23/01/2012 08:41

I had to do it with my DD too. I could hear her screaming from outside and it really was only for about 1 minute. I'd walk away haunted by the look on her face. She did that 6 times. For the next 2 years she'd pester to go to nursery and run in ahead of me without of backward glance. She didn't cry once about starting school.

Go with it.

Elderberries · 23/01/2012 08:41

If you have a partner could he do the drop off a couple of times?

CailinDana · 23/01/2012 08:43

It is horrible but you'll have to ignore. Perhaps talk to her in the evening about pre school when she's calm and just make sure there's no particular reason why she doesn't like it. I'm sure she's fine really, and there's no point in dragging it out in the mornings, it won't help. Must be so stressful :(

PandaG · 23/01/2012 08:44

if, as you say, she is settling quickly, dump and run is usually the best option. I work in a pre-school, and regularly see children who are seemingly inconcolable when a parent leaves, brighten up and start happily playing almost as soon as mum is out of the door.

I would always ring a parent if the child did not settle, and would aslo ring to reassure the child was ok the first few times. It is horrible when you are the parent doingthe dropping off though I know.

PurplePidjin · 23/01/2012 08:45

Ok, I have no real experience except with persuading a certain nephew that going out for the day with his dad is a good idea. In that case, lots of "I love you very much, I'll see you very soon, and you'll have lots of fun with Daddy"

Very matter of fact with lots of cuddles. In Dn's case, the fact that Uncle and Aunty Pidj will be there when he gets back seems to be a nice reward. Can you offer your dd a treat if she goes off to school like a big girl? Lunch in a cafe, trip to a good park...

salmonskinroll · 23/01/2012 08:47

Please, please drop and run! I worked in a eyc for 4 years and moat mornings there would be this situation. It was always worse when the parent didn't leave straight away. It was kind of like teasing the child to thinking they were staying, which made it worse.

The children of the ones who dropped and ran cried for 2 mins after and were fine after. We used excellent distraction techniques.

Honestly she will be fine 5 mins after you've gone

PeneloPeePitstop · 23/01/2012 08:56

If the child settles as soon as you're gone it's often the best way to go x

MissMogwi · 23/01/2012 09:11

I had to do this with DD2. I crept back and peered in the window five minutes later and she was laughing away and having a great time. They know what they are doing!

MsGee · 23/01/2012 09:15

Definitely drop and run. My DD is 3.10 and we had similar issues at nursery last year - the staff all encouraged me to leave ASAP.

When my DD started to get upset before we even left I'd tell her we werent going for 60 minutes or whatever and that we wouldn't worry about it now - then distract her with something, even if it means getting out the playdoh at 8am...

I would also sometimes focus on what we would do when I picked her up but I think its best to focus on the fun things she will do at playschool. Can you get the staff on side? Mine were aware of DD being upset so would give her a special task in the morning - worked really well, distracted her immediately and gave her a sense of purpose (and appealed to her great sense that she is A Child of Great Importance).

It does get easier - promise.

imaginethat · 23/01/2012 09:21

Oh they are always keen and excited at first then a bit wobbly when the novelty wears off.

Can a teacher help you transition her? That is, welcome her into the room and invite her to join an activity? New children often need a bit of help for a while.

But yes, it is normal and hard and it will pass.

CharlotteBronteSaurus · 23/01/2012 09:25

is there anywhere you can hide within earshot of the room? i do this on the rare occasion when dd2 makes a fuss going into nursery, and she's always calm within a minute.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 23/01/2012 09:31

My DS and my dd did this. DS gave it up in the end, but dd never stopped. It went on for months. And I'd stay and listen at the fire exit, she didn't settle for ages. In the end I stopped sending her. I wasn't doing anything whilst she was there, so what's the point?! We went and did fun things, and had adventures instead. When she started school she was a different child. I hated forcing her to do stuff, even now, she knows her own mind, and I have to be very careful how I persuade her to do things. She is a well balanced, happy child, and she has the best work ethic of any 12yo I've ever met, she just knows what she wants!

SecretMinceRinser · 23/01/2012 10:15

I think you're right - although I don't think I could do it. Fortunately there were no tears from dd (apart from mine when I got home!).
Her friend, on the other hand, went through a stage of sobbing and sobbing. Begging his mum/nan not to go and it went on for the whole time I was there and was still going on when I left. This went on for about a week until one day the nursery teachers convinced the mum to just go and as soon as she was out of sight the boy stopped crying literally straight away!
I think the parents who stay fussing do it primarily for their own benefit cos lets face it it's going to feel like shit leaving your child upset but of all the kids I've seen they cry less if the parents don't give it attention.
I've never seen a crying child cheer up because their parents have stayed for a bit either. It just means they cry for half an hour/however long instead of a few minutes.

suburbandream · 23/01/2012 10:20

Do the nursery staff say that she settles quickly once she's there? I remember DS1's first reception teacher doing her little welcome meeting to the parents, and she said "some of the children will cry when you leave them. Some will be crying when you come to pick them up. But I promise you they will not be crying all day!" Luckily I never had that problem with either of mine, but my sister's youngest literally had to be peeled off her leg every day for the first term, and she just had to grit her teeth, smile confidently and say "bye bye darling, have a lovely day" and walk away (then hide round the corner snivelling and watching through the hole in the fence ). It got better eventually and now she loves school.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 23/01/2012 10:20

DD used to do this with me. She went through phases with it. She rarely does it now. With me. If her dad does the drop off she'll get upset cling on and howl her head off. He feels shit about leaving her so it has the desired effect.

Leave her as quickly as possible don't do a sad face just say "bye bye darling, have a lovely day see you later!" and go. Huge smile, don't really awknowledge the tears too much. Honestly I know I sound cold but that's how I managed to deal with it

CoffeeDog · 23/01/2012 11:32

My twins have just turned 3 they go to .nursery Mon-Fri pm I thought I would be ok the other one not so much....

There have been situations where the teachers have peeled one boy of each leg .at drop off time ;-) they made me stay in parent room for 10 minutes so I could peep in the window and see that their world didn't end and they were happily playing.

I know they are fine I love the staff especially their teacher ( she is like the nice teacher in Matilda) I often get shouting in the car they don't want to go etc... I have tried to get there a few minutes early so I can start a game with all the kids.so the.boys.settle.down before.they go in sometimes it works.;-)

Original poster

veronicalake · 23/01/2012 13:22

Thanks guys! This morning was not as bad. She still screamed but before it escalated i handed her to my hubby who handed her to the staff. SHort and sharp. Dreading tmrw as my dh will be at work and i'll be going it alone. I WILL be brave.

OP posts:

Iggly · 23/01/2012 13:26

I've actually not taken DS before when he's said no way before we leave. Turns out he was ill! But short and sharp is better - I tell him I'm coming back and he likes to be reminded that I am then he's fine.

CockyPants · 23/01/2012 14:01

Hello, before my dd now 5.6 began kindergarten she had always been at home with me. First day she didn't even bother to say bye, we have pic of her colouring in looking at us as if to say why are you still here..
Few weeks in and went thru a bad period of month or so when she cried if I tried to leave classroom. Waved to her thru side window as instructed by teacher. Can still see her tears streaming down face mouthing mama mama.
Anyway, dropped and ran each time, did feel guilty but knew I HAD to do it for HER.. Time passed, phase ended and she is now in class 1 with no leaving issues. I have them as 3 years on I still miss her.

FerrisBueller1972 · 23/01/2012 14:21

YANBU.

Its horrible and I remember it well, but they really are fine within minutes and its great that the pre-school allay your worries with a call.

It does get easier, promise :)

Fizzylemonade · 23/01/2012 14:29

ds2 a now eager to go to school 6 year old used to cling to the railings like a suffragette .

I used to have to prise his hands off the bars and hand him over asap. He was fine when inside as I used to watch from a well concealed vantage point!

No messing about just put them in.

The staff said it is always best if the parent/carer dropping off is very matter of fact about it all, says I will collect you later and then if you are going to sob can you kindly do it where they can't see you

Any issues before hand I would just ignore, as in, is she starts saying she doesn't want to go you can talk about what you are doing after you pick her up rather than getting into a conversation about going.

Good luck, it is awful but it will pass.

januaryjojo · 23/01/2012 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissMogwi · 23/01/2012 14:39

This has reminded me of DD2 in year one, she suddenly took against school and would cry and cling to me. The teacher didn't know what to do either, it was horrible.
This went on for a couple of days, then one morning, as she gripped me wailing 'Dont leave me mummy', a little boy popped his head out and said scornfully
'DD2, what are you crying for, nobody likes it, but we have to do school, now come on'

She looked at him, picked her bag up and walked in. That was the end of it. My hero!

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