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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit funny about my DP confiding in his ex?

20 replies

ByeBabyBatshit · 22/01/2012 23:02

DP and I have been together a little over a year. Currently we're dealing with unplanned pregnancy (well, semi-planned but not thought through), about which I am freaking out. He's not freaking out nearly as much, although he's more freaked out about the scale of my freaking out, if you see what I mean.

I have a small, tight, circle of close friends who I've told about the pregnancy, and they are being lovely. DP doesn't really have the same set-up, and though he's told a friend of his who now lives in Australia who was full of great advice, they're not in regular contact, and DP wants someone who can give him more support. He wants to tell his ex. They split up in late 2009, a year before we got together, and it's not like I feel threatened by her, but I'm still uncomfortable about confiding in an ex about a tricky situation with a current partner.

I think he wants to tell her because she has confided in him about a lot of things as she doesn't seem to have many close friends- I don't have a problem with that. But I don't want my feelings and reactions to this situation analysed by DP and the ex in cahoots. As it stands I've told DP he can confide in anyone in the known universe except her. However, as DP doesn't really talk about feelings to anyone very often, it's not clear who else he has got. He has a lot of friends he can go out with, but conversations about Big Issues seem to be reserved for discussion with either me or her.

Am I being weird? I am not close friends with any of my exes. There are two I really wanted and tried to stay friends with, but when they met their now-wives, the new women in their lives made it clear they didn't want them to be close to me. I found this a wee bit hurtful at the time, which is why I've tried to let DP be a supportive friend to his ex through her problems. But AIBU for not wanting to be a subject of discussion for the two of them?

OP posts:

randommoment · 22/01/2012 23:07

Yanbu. OTH I am still very good friends with an ex and he does confide a lot of stuff with me about his current life. But we split up nearly 20 years ago, not 2.

Boomerwang · 23/01/2012 01:38

I don't consider myself a particularly jealous woman, but I'd feel awkward if my boyfriend was chatting about me / my issues with an ex or indeed any other female. Now, I don't know why I don't mind if it's a man he talks to... maybe someone can tell ME why that is.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I know lots of people are great friends with their exes and still confide in each other, but apart from one of my exes I was glad to get shot of all the others and wouldn't ever consider talking about my boyfriend to them.

Nah, involving the ex doesn't do it for me. My boyfriend does have a very close female friend and though I don't mind him going to see her or chatting to her, I would flip my lid a tiny bit if I found he was discussing our problems with her.

stubborncow · 23/01/2012 01:42

YANBU

I think with things being so recent, I totally understand how you feel.
I do understand that your OH might need to confide in someone so I hope he can find someone but I agree that an ex is dodgy ground...

Having said that, it's great that he is discussing who to confide in with you like that. I'd say you can trust him but yes, I'd feel weird about it in your place.

squeakytoy · 23/01/2012 08:11

.. you should be supporting each other, and confiding in each other.

diddl · 23/01/2012 08:18

I´m with Squeaky.

Are you both young?

I find the thought of having to turn to others for "support" about a decision that you both made quite odd.

Maybe if you can calm yourself down he won´t need to confide in his ex!

ENormaSnob · 23/01/2012 08:21

Yanbu

YouOldSlag · 23/01/2012 08:21

I agree with squeaky. The person he should be discussing his relationship with is YOU. YANBU by the way.

Callisto · 23/01/2012 08:24

If you are freaking out to this degree why are you having the baby? Also, why are you freaking out so much? And why are you not discussing you levels of freakery with your partner? If you can't support each other now your relationship is pretty well doomed once the baby comes along.

Threeprinces · 23/01/2012 08:36

I wouldn't want my DH confiding in his ex, no way. YANBU at all.

maybenow · 23/01/2012 08:56

i've got ex-boyfriends from my 20s who i would now (mid 30s) consider 100% 'friends' and not in any way 'exes' if you see what i mean. it honestly never ever occurs to me that we once slept together until i see threads like this and realise it's unusual.

i think that it should be pretty clear if the ex is now a 'friend' or still an ex. does she have a new partner? are they truly 'over' each other. i sort of expect they must be if she's ok having these conversations (after all you're the one he's with, not her)

StrandedBear · 23/01/2012 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeShouldOpenABar · 23/01/2012 09:11

My ex asked for advice about his current girlfriend , we're still friends and I didnt realise how odd that was either I dont know why you have to cut someone out of your life just because you stop sleeping with them

if it helps I usually help him see any situation from another perspective or try and help him understand her perspective , I know him better then a lot of his friends so I can call him on things I know he'll be doing that wont help.

This is not necessarily a bad thing I think you just need to get a feel for what kind of advice she is giving , if shes on side with your relationship in general id let him confide in her

Original poster

ByeBabyBatshit · 23/01/2012 09:24

Callisto- Antenatal depression/ continuing doubts about whether I can continue with the pregnancy (even though it was sort-of planned) mean I'm hard work at the moment. DP very supportive but he's well within his rights to seek support for himself too. Maybenow- they are friends, but I have never met her. I am a bit weirded out about being the topic of conversation between them.

OP posts:

YouOldSlag · 23/01/2012 09:28

YANBU- it's a bit recent since they only broke up in 2009 and I would not like any of DH's exes helping him to make decisions/talk about me or my relationship with him.

By the way, don't blame yourself by saying you're hard work. Whatever you're going through, he helped to start the pregnancy so he should be able to shoulder anything that goes with it. His baby too.

squeakytoy · 23/01/2012 09:31

She isnt the right person for him to be talking to, or confiding in.

It worries me a bit that you consider yourself "hard work".. and are worrying that he needs support too. You sound to me like you are being way too accomodating, and the pair of you should be supporting each other, not looking for external sources to "confide" in. Particularly not someone who he was once in a relationship with..

Something just doesnt seem right to me about that. I am all for people staying civil to each other after the end of a relationship, and I am friends with a couple of my exes, but no way would I be using them as a confidante for current relationship issues.

diddl · 23/01/2012 10:46

"Why would their age matter."

Well for me, I just can´t see why having each other wouldn´t be enough tbh.

Can he not speak to his parents or a female friend?

StrandedBear · 23/01/2012 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 23/01/2012 10:52

She isnt a friend in the sense of friend. They have a shared relationship history together. They could have got to the stage of discussing starting a family together themselves. Depending on how the relationship ended, and who ended it, any "advice" she gives could be more out of her feelings towards him (either good or bad) rather than an unbiased position.

diddl · 23/01/2012 10:56

Well I have many friends-none of whom I´ve had sex with

I´ve never been a keeping in touch when it´s over type though.

Maybe that makes me odd.

Isn´t the point that the OP wouldn´t feel comfortable with it?

Although that maybe only works if her partner is OK with who she is discussing it with.

ChaoticAngel · 23/01/2012 11:21

YANBU It's one thing him confiding in her about a problem at work, for example. This is way too personal and affects you too. I wouldn't be comfortable with it.

Wrt confiding in each other, yes they need to do that but sometimes an outside perspective, from a close friend/family member, can help too.

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