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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why my exH's new dp absolutely HAS to come in when he picks DC up

53 replies

MistyMountainHop · 22/01/2012 15:20

me and exH are mostly pretty friendly now, we have been split over 5 years and i am remarried with another DC

he has been going out with his girlfriend for about 6 months now, and every time he picks up his DC (aged 5)
DC likes her and she seems ok, other than, she HAS to come in with exH when he collects DC, and they both just kind of stand there Hmm while i am getting dc ready and its all awkward, she doesn't speak really other than to say hello. and she stares at me, even my DH has noticed. i just pick up this uncomfortable vibe from her as if she doesn't like me. (i might be being paranoid here but its the impression i get)

she is by no means his first GF since we split, he has had quite a few and most i have met and got on with fine.

also a couple of months ago i friend requested her on facebook and she rejected it. which i found quite strange as she comes in my house every weekend and also has my son every weekend with my ex. obviously its entirely up to her who she is friends with on facebook but i just found it a bit odd.

its just weird, if she doesn't like me for any reason then why not just sit in the car, exH only comes in for a few minutes.

OP posts:
bobbledunk · 22/01/2012 17:28

She sounds like a weirdo, what kind of a person goes into someone's home and silently stares at them, I'd probably stare back and see who can eyeball the longestGrin

unreasonableannie · 22/01/2012 17:35

i wouldnt want an partners ex on my fb either, nosing around my photos and comments

FaithHopeAndKevin · 22/01/2012 18:56

Is she waiting for you to offer her a cuppa?

Original poster
MistyMountainHop · 22/01/2012 19:39

to those who have asked if DC is ready, yes he always is ready on time, i just have to ask him to put his coat and shoes on. so i don't think its that.

as for the facebook thing, fair enough, but my DH is fb friends with my exH, as am I, and i am also fb friends with one of exDH's ex girlfriends who i became quite pally with. i personally don't think its weird if all parties are amicable.

anyway when they dropped DC back earlier, predictably enough, in she came. so i hid upstairs and let DH deal with them Blush praps i will do that in future!

OP posts:
SP0104 · 22/01/2012 19:56

Its just weird - I'd say she is very insecure if she has to follow him in but then just stands and stares (maybe she's scared of you?)
I'm a stepmum and when SD was little and we did the drop off/pick up I would never have dreamt of trailing behind them like a spare part.
There is a certain unspoken protocol of either keeping a polite distance or being friendly and not overstepping the mark.
I've been a stepmum for 20 yrs now and am on friendly term with DH's ex.

2rebecca · 22/01/2012 20:02

Why do they have to come in? I get on with my ex but unless he's at work and I'm sorting out there stuff we just handover at the doorway. Stop inviting them in, especially after she declined your friend invite. If your ex asks why you can always say "sorry but only my friends get to go in my house and x refused to be my friend so is not welcome in my house. You are welcome if you leave her at home or in the car."
Sounds a bit rude but no ruder than her. If my husband drops his kids off I always stay in the car. I think it's rude foisting yourself on people.

2rebecca · 22/01/2012 20:04

I was also only in the car if we'd been near his exes house for the day. In general I think time alone with your kid/s in the car can be good for talking so wouldn't accompany my husband in the car when returning his kids (now too old to come much) unless I had to. I also prefer not to have my husband in the car when taking back my kids.

TheSecondComing · 22/01/2012 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DilysPrice · 22/01/2012 20:22

Dear heavens, I can't believe the number of people who think you should ask your ex to leave her in the car! Seriously? You'd look like a total loon, without even the excuse of her being the OW.
Yes it's a slightly odd situation, but she's only standing in your hall, just bustle your DC into his coat and wave him goodbye. And ignore the Facebook thing - different people play by different rules when it comes to friending.

DilysPrice · 22/01/2012 20:29

Just to add, in case her behaviour is explained by her being weirded out by the situation but thinking that it was rude to just sit in the car you could perhaps tell your ex that whilst you are more than happy to have her come in, you will not be at all offended if she does find it awkward and would rather stay in the car with a book.

aquashiv · 22/01/2012 20:47

Then again you might well be thinking why she is not making the effort to come through the door. She no doubt feels awkward but feels obliged to come in - perhaps she is shy or your ex wants her to come in to pick up his children.

ImperialBlether · 22/01/2012 20:53

Oh I'd have to say something to her. "Is something the matter? Only you keep staring at me." You shouldn't have to say it more than once.

Jux · 22/01/2012 21:04

Shy and awkward, I would guess. Hasn't the faintest idea what to say or do.

You could invite them in for a cuppa?

Kellogg · 22/01/2012 21:12

She is probably shy and curious. Why don't you break the ice and offer a cup of tea. Very odd for you to send a friend request on Facebook , especially as she had only been around for a few months. Makes you look a tad stalkerish.

ImperialBlether · 22/01/2012 21:14

Not really, Kellogg; not when she's friends with her ex, the weirdo's boyfriend.

Kellogg · 22/01/2012 21:17

I am friends with my ex, he has a girlfriend he has been seeing for a while . Have on intention of addinger toy friends list, she is not my friend. His ex is on my friends list but that's because we are friends and she has been around for years and years.

Original poster
MistyMountainHop · 22/01/2012 21:19

yeah tell me about it TSC

in the 5 or so years since i left him, he has averaged at least 2 girlfriends a year. every single one has been "the one" Hmm he even moved 150 miles away to live with one of the "ones" that lasted all of about five minutes a few months. all his choice of course, but dc has met pretty much every one of them, and some have had dc themselves that dc has become friendly with then they have disappeared in a puff of smoke when daddy gets bored and fucks off splits up with them :(

he calls this latest womans DC "his stepbrothers" as he really seems to like them, so i just hope this one actually lasts.

it does make me sad but the way i see it is not my place to say who dc dad can introduce him to when he has got him (within reason of course)

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityhat · 22/01/2012 21:20

But why is it a problem? You are remarried and have moved on, long before your ex got together with this girl. Presumably your ex sometimes has to endure the presence of your new partner when he comes in to collect the dc? Seriously, you will come across like a loon if you object to her being in your house for a few minutes each week.

Kellogg · 22/01/2012 21:21

I would it be amused at my child being introduced to a succession if women and their children .

Buti still think it is odd to try and add someone as a Facebook friend who makes you feel uncomfortable when they enter your home and who is likely to be one in a line of girlfriends if your ex.

Beamur · 22/01/2012 21:22

I wouldn't be friends with my DP's ex on facebook.
I'd just ignore the staring, be brisk about getting the kids ready, or get your DH to do it instead. Be nice but not too friendly - if she is a bit insecure, don't be all chatty with your ex when she is there and listening, she may take it the wrong way, however harmless it is.

Original poster
MistyMountainHop · 22/01/2012 21:29

bibbity her coming in with my ex to collect my dc is not a problem

i just don't understand why she has to every fooking time

especially as i get such icy weird vibes from her. i just feel like saying fuck off out my house if you are just gonna stand there staring at me like a loon.

yes, as i said, i think from now i will just get dh to do the handover

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 22/01/2012 21:30

You have a new DH - he has a new DP
Cant see the issue myself.

scottishmummy · 22/01/2012 21:34

Frankly why do you want to be her fb pal.she's not a mate
Shes shagging your ex,it's a bit fake to get all matey
And if as you say shes one of many, the ones why waste energies

Kellogg · 22/01/2012 21:40

I really do not understand. You also cannot bar her from your house, you will look unhinged and jealous.

SecretMinceRinser · 22/01/2012 21:50

I wouldn't say anything. She is going to be partly responsible for looking after your dc when he's at his dads so why cause animosity by making her wait in the car or challenging her about giving you looks?
Surely the atmosphere can't be unbearable in the time it takes your ds to put on his shoes and coat? If it is that bad get him to put his shoes on a bit early and grab his coat on the way out.