Extra curricular activities,am I right to restrict or are my kids missing out and will they resent it in the future?

[MrsHeffley]

Firstly I should say we can't afford them anyway atm so it's bit of a no brainer anyway however this is the thing.

They do swimming once a week payed for by grandparents as we live near water and they have to swim. When they're safe it will end.

2 dc do the piano and 1 does the guitar once a week each but practise 10 mins a day.Again we have help.

They do Rainbows(although dd hates it) and Cubs.

Now all dd's friends do ballet and all manner of dancey stuff,the ds's friends do football,judo etc too.DD would kill to do riding.2 are nagging.Dd isn't that good at PE quite bad actually,dance would help.One of my ds's would love football and judo would benefit him greatly as he's small(he gets tired easily and concentration is an issue).I've said no on all counts as

a) we can't afford it
b)I feel they do too much as it is
c)I want their school work/homework to be the priority and they're exhausted as it is,it's only going to get worse as they're 7 and 8.

Basically taking money out of it I want a bit or reassurance my dc aren't missing out and I'll be regretting it one day.I'm not judging others as all kids differ eg some are talented or have incredible stamina etc.

It's an issue we're just dipping our toes into and money aside is restriction good for academic achievement/happiness/development or actually the reverse?

Don't want a bunfight just a bit of reassurance I guess and some advice on a long term policy from those who have older kids.

TIA

Squeaky it'll end due to finances,I hate my parents paying for it,I really do

There is nothing wrong in grandparents paying for their grandchildren's activities if they can afford it and are happy to be helping out.

We help out ours whenever we can. I would feel horrible if I found out my grandchildren were missing out on something because my kids couldnt afford it and I could help them.

Well, you can't actually take the cost out of the equation here, any more than you can take the cost out of the equation when you consider what kind of house you live in or how much you spend on food.

Of course you could always argue that it is better for kids to grow up in a big manor house backing onto the woods. But that is not the same as insisting that children are going to grow up damaged through living in a 3 bed urban semi.

Same with activities imho. Yes, it would have been lovely if I could have afforded to let dd do the horse-riding she dreamed of- and no doubt good for her medical condition. No doubt there are children up and down the country who would consider themselves deprived if they couldn't do horse-riding. But not sure that makes dd deprived. Not as long as she has something to do, some kind of interest and allowed to feel that sometimes (not always) her interests are a family priority.

But I wouldn't tell a couple of 7/8 yos that their activities are being curtailed so they can make school work their priority. Be subtle about it. Don't make them resent school. Make it about money, that's much less hurtful. And see how you can compensate by doing things as a family. And tbh maybe think about letting dd drop Rainbows. It may be cheap but a penny saved is a penny earned.

Agree, cory - kids are much less likely to resent it if the main issue is cost.

I have 4 children..all teens now.
the elder three (4th is disabled) did dancing, and swimming lessons and later when they dropped dancing after a house move, they took up gymnastics.

They did these til their early teens when they (at different times) gave up.

One went on to do RAF cadets, another joined a drama class and the third took up the clarinet and guitar..so they kept doing activities but not the same ones.
Most took up one or two nights a week max, which I felt was a good balance. DS1 is also a keen aggressive skater so spent hours at the skate park.

I wouldn't have wanted (or been able to afford) any more, and I firmly believe they need down time.. and time to have to amuse themselves..and be bored!

DD and DS1 do 2 hours a week of Irish Dancing, which will go up to 3 hours as soon as I'm driving. It is £2.50 a head per hour.

They also both do drama, which my mum pays for.
planning to start them both on music lessons, (looking for teachers) which will be £10 a week each - pretty big commitment. They are 6 and 8.

DS2 is only 3 so not involved yet, but he'll be doing Irish Dancing when he starts school.

Lots of their friends do traditional music at the Comhaltas, may start that soon.

I did ballet, tap, piano, flute, singing, orchestra, drama, choral society, guides for a short while (asked to leave )... fuck all school work though.

Blimey, your kids do LOADS!

I work Mon-Wed and Thurs a.m. so on those days they chill out and play with the other kids at the childminders. They draw and play and have fun and the eldest DD always gets her homework done before I even see it. Those evenings are then for family time at home.

Thurs and Fri I pick them up from school. Thurs used to be swimming until they got bored of doing the same thing every week and could swim well enough to stop. They've not been for nearly a year and I keep trying to convince them to go again, but they aren't interested.

Friday is the park or a walk through town on the way home from school if the weather is nice enough.

Saturday they have piano

Sunday is a family day.

Eldest has done ballet and brownies, but got fed up with them and preferred time at home. Youngest will be too old for Rainbows by the time she gets to the top of the waiting list, but is on the list for Brownies.

My rules for my children are that they are allowed to do two hobbies each. Both do (and enjoy) dancing and gymnastics.

DD1 (aged 8) competes and does 12 hours of gymnastics a week (4 3 hour sessions) and 1 1/2 hours of dancing (ballet, tap, modern). Personally, I'd like her to give up the dancing, but DD1 loves it and so I allow it as it is a hobby that she doesn't work at - it is purely fun.

DD2 (5) does one hour of gym a week and one hour of dancing. That's enough for her.

DD1 has asked to do loads of other hobbies - cheerleading, horseriding, learning a musical instrument, street dancing, brownies... I've said yes - but only if she gives up one of the things she is doing already. She won't do that, but that's her choice.

And, if the grandparents are happy helping out with the swimming, why worry? My parents help us out with the cost of my DDs hobbies (the minimum I spend is over £160 a month) and that's before I start paying for competitions, exams, uniforms, shows etc.... I couldn't afford to do it all.

Your children are already doing three hobbies a week - the musical instrument / swimming and cubs/brownies. I think its fair to say if they want to do something new, they have to drop one they're already doing (perhaps except the swimming).

am I right to restrict or are my kids missing out and will they resent it in the future?

Right to do some restrictions, but I think your restrictions are a bit too strict, tbh. I would let grandparents pay for one thing/week (do you normally resent them?), when swimming is done the kids could do something else on the grandies purse. Also, having to choose between sport & academia: it doesn't have to be like that.

Will your kids resent your attitude... I think so if you start out with the bias that it's academia or sport/ExCs. But then I come from a culture where it's assumed that the elite consistently excel at both given support. My mother made me do a few things, all done badly, little point, could have easily done without. DD turns out to be a joiner, did up to 10 activities/week at one point, now down to just 3 (phew, I have 3 other DC).

I tend to strongly endorse Judo, especially for kids who are small for age, btw.

I dont think your children will resent not doing loads and loads of things when they grow up your children seem to be doing a lot of things and if they dont like something stop , im a firm beleiver of a child doesnt need every minute of every day filled with activities , and unless they are planning on being musicians the people i know who have music lessons as kids dont play as adults

oh and my kids are older dd1 did guitar lessons and some things at school and dd2 goes to guides and a drama group they are fine , some of their friends had no social life because of the things they did and went to ,

well I think that is quite a nice balance of activities atm: swimming, piano or guitar, rainbows or cubs.

One sport, one musical activity and a social club type group set-up. Why not just stick with it (including the swimming) and let the one who hates rainbows quit?

The only extra-curricular that my children do outside of school is brownies/guides. And those take the toll on mom-taxi!

They do piano, dance and singing in school, and that is fine with me as my only input is in paying.

Have you read about new book on parenting in France? American author says French children don't learn music or to swim before age 7 because it's not possible!

I danced 6 days a week from about the age of 12. Previous to that I had done it 4 times a week. But I LOVED it and planned on making it my profession.

I also did piano and guitar lessons, which I didn't not enjoy, but I only really did as my parents wanted me to. I was always very aware that I didn't want to disappoint them.

Can you swap Rainbows for ballet? Get some second-hand shoes?

DS did: Flute, piano, swimming, football, tennis, cricket, beavers, cubs
DD did: Flute, swimming, ballet, drama, rainbows, choir, a bit of riding, guides, gymnastics (disaster)

DS is sport, DD isn't.

Looking back we did far too much. DS got to grade 5 musically of no merit to him at all now, DD didn't do any grades but has her RSCM silver medal.

Swimming is important but you can take them yourself as soon as they can float and just have fun which is far more valuable than expensive lessons.

DS at 17 plays rugby and cricket.

DD at 13 sings and adores drama.

The rest of it was a bit of a waste really and both guides and cubs ended in tears. I could have told you that dd was unsuited for ballet and gymnastics before she started but everyone else was doing it!!!

I'd say chose one thing that they really want to do and focus on that. Any other money can be spent on family treats (cinema, odd theatre, museum, theme park trip) and the extra time could be used for a really fun tea for each child at least once a week.

we can't afford for ours to do anything atm. I presume they will live, so to speak.

me and my sister hardly ever did anything 'extra' either. We both had a happy childhood. I think people angst too much these days

I agree with ZZenagain - it sounds like they're doing plenty and a nice balance, especially if you do active stuff like walking and cycling together.

It really doesn't sound like they're missing out at all. There are an awful lot of children at least round here who don't get to do any extra curricular stuff at all so don't just compare to your immediate circle.

But I agree that the 'all day' riding experience would be a nice treat for your dd. Could you suggest it if any of your relatives ask what your dd would like for her birthday present (maybe a few could club together as these things are pretty pricey).

Do they all do 3 activities a week? Surely that is plenty. I was glad when my DS dropped to 2 from 3, as I felt 3 was a bit much. What you are currently doing sounds fine to me, except for your unnecessary feelings of guilt!

I could imaging ds doing loads if I were a stay at home mum. I'm not and money is tight and he does do afterschools on some days (because of work) - and for that exact reason he does afterschools swimming (which I take him to) and sports class on a saturday and that's all I plan to do as I he'd be too tired for his homework and we are family and we all like to spend time chilling together.

I'm very much not into a completely full timetable.

My DD doesn't do any. We agreed that she wouldn't in reception as she is so young (summer baby) and is exhausted. I don't think we will be able to afford any anyway TBH :( I would consider asking for it for Xmas/birthday from GPs though if she wanted to go, she has plenty of Stuff already.

I will probably help her learn piano (she loves it and I taught in the past, but she is still in the knowitall "I can already play it!" phase so I might wait a bit :o)

Interesting question. Also shows how practicalities really have an influence (money, health, opportunities).

My own take is - too few activities probably means parents don't care that much and this is not so good for children's self-esteem.

Too many - and oh well you do get the pushy-parent syndrome.

So, a nice balance. Though easy to say! Something musical, something sporty, something arty, its personal choice and what child gravitates to. How about 2 out of 3 or even 1 out of 3?!