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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up with the lies

11 replies

Lovely1 · 21/01/2012 14:28

Name changed for this
A close friend ( I will call her Sarah) has been having a affair for a few years and has confided in me all the details. She has now split up with her DH and is in the process of a divorce. The DH knows nothing of the affair. The affair man has just left his wife and 2 children. The wife also knows nothing of the affair! The thing that sickens me most is the fact that Sarah is now telling a few friends that she has been and met affair man a few times and that something maybe blossoming between them! As if it is a brand new relationship, even though it has been going on for ages! I am hearing her lies and feeling sickened that Sarah can be so full of deceit and in front of me when I know everything. She is very convincing as well. I guess you may all think I am as bad as her for keeping this secret but I have been put in a predicament and would never want to break anyone's confidence despite how immoral the issue may be :(

OP posts:

Nancy66 · 21/01/2012 14:47

I understand how you feel - but it's not your place to go telling any truths to anybody, your friend is already divorcing.

What you can do though is to say to 'sarah' that the whole thing has left a very bad taste in your mouth and you'd rather she didn't spin her tales in front of you as you find it very awkward. I think that's fair enough.

Lueji · 21/01/2012 15:12

I'd stay out.
You didn't have to be her confidant if you are not comfortable with the lies.
So not sure why you are upset now.

Her ex is probably happier not knowing.

NinkyNonker · 21/01/2012 15:12

I think I would be backing off from that friendship tbh. I coulldn't respect her anymore.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 21/01/2012 15:13

It's not your business - even though she has told you about it, you could at any time have told her you disapproved/didn't want to hear it/cut her out of your life in protest at her immoral ways/told her DH and/or the man's wife but you didn't. You've left it too late to be outraged now - either keep quiet or tell her straight, to her face, that you can no longer go along with this and you are no longer her friend, and stick to it. Your predicament is of your own making, it's time to put up or shut up. It's as if you feel it was fine for her to shag about with a married father behind the back of her husband and his wife and all the children, but now they have both (not exactly done the decent thing, but left their partners) moved on to be "single" and are free to pursue their relationship, that's the bit you don't like...

Original poster

Lovely1 · 21/01/2012 15:18

My respect for her has definitely lessened and I am backing off from the friendship mainly because of the fact I can't trust someone who has lied so outrageously for years. I am a bit shocked that 2 people who have been so deceitful manage to come out of this smelling of roses!

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/01/2012 15:19

Tell Sarah that, whilst you have been happy to keep her secrets up to now, you're not comfortable hearing the fake story she's putting around and that you're concerned that you may let something slip accidentally. Tell her you want her to be more honest. That way the onus is on her to tell the truth and you've explained that you're uncomfortable and also excused away if you are indiscreet. My guess... btw... is that no-one is fooled by her pat explanations, except possibly herself.

You owe her nothing. She owes you big time. If she carries on lying, feel free to spill the beans.

Original poster

Lovely1 · 21/01/2012 15:23

Pombear, I hear what you are saying but to fill you in, I have never approved of what she was doing and have told her. I have been wracked with guilt over the last few years but I guess as it is drawing to a close in terms of the "big lie" I needed to get some opinions from mnetters! It is not that the little lies now are worse, it is just that they are current and I have not wanted to post anything before if that makes sense?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 21/01/2012 15:27

I would cool off your friendship with this woman, in your situation

liars don't make good friends, IME

Original poster

Lovely1 · 21/01/2012 15:38

Thanks cogito, I don't think I would spill the beans but will talk to her. I don't think people have been fooled but she has become very practised in the art of lying! I think for some friends the penny seems to be dropping as they have been flabbergasted as to why she has left a lovely husband with a comfortable lifestyle for her and her 3 children..

OP posts:

ThePathanKhansWitch · 21/01/2012 16:52

Lovely, you are in an awful position, however you were have let yourself be compromised from the minute Sarah confided in you. That was the time to make your feeling's clear and back off.

You can't go swimming with Sharks and then moan when they bite you on the arse.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/01/2012 17:26

If the penny is dropping with other friends and it comes to the point where they ask you an straight question about Sarah, tell the truth and (very important) tell Sarah that you will be telling the truth. You have been very discreet to keep her secret up to now but keeping quiet and saying nothing is not the same as being expected to lie for them.

She hasn't behaved well and neither has her new partner but then 'let he who is without sin cast the first stone' and all that. However, don't let yourself be taken for a mug by this egoist - you are not responsible for her public image.

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