To not change my mind on what I remember

[dealer]

Soooo...utterly pointless and petty.

Was having a casual convo with my mother earlier, who mentioned something about a child having their ears pinned back. And then made it clear that she disapproved, and people should accept their dc's appearance regardless.

It was daft and I don't know why I bothered, but I then pointed out to her how often she had advised me during dd1's first couple of years to get her ears pinned early. Including pointing out someone we knew with sticky out ears, and how I didn't want her looking like that, did I?

Well she's now got massively offended and keeps getting back to me to persuade me that I've remembered wrong, that she would never have said that, must be someone else, isn't it strange how your memory twists over time? I could stop all this by saying yes, you're right I'm mistaken, but why should I? I don't give a monkey's whether she said it or not, plenty of others did, and I decided her ears were fine.

Should I say I was mistaken, just to keep the peace?

Just leave it. Don't say you were mistaken if you don't think you were, but don't bring it up again if it doesn't bother you. My mum has selective memory. I wont collude with her versions, but I am happy to agree to disagree.

No. (Also petty)

how do you know it isn't you that's mistaken not her?

You could give in and agree with her of course.

But is the reason you're not doing that because she's got a habit of twisting what's been said and trying to palm off responsibility for her crapness, onto you?

That's not to say I'm not crap too and don't contradict myself all the time I would own up to maybe not knowing whether I said it or not though, not keep trying to grind down the other person into admitting they're wrong.

Unfortunately my mum doen't understand the concept of agreeing to disagree. We've hit this problem before.

She's like a dog with a bone, and won't leave it until I accept her side.

I've said that since we both remember differently then clearly one of us is mistaken, it could be either of us. We are both equally sure of our account, so why can't she leave it at that?

Does she have to feel as though she's 'won' dealer?

ie, you have to show deference to her and submit.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, and oh yes!

i lived with my nan from when i was 18 months old till i went to school at 5.

However talk to any of my family and it never happened. they have collectively rewritten history.

the only person who was ever willing to talk to me about it was my nan, and she used to speak quite freely about it. i'm glad she did, otherwise the family would have convinced me that it never happened!

I would just say "I'm not discussing this any longer" and change the subject - because it is not going any where is it.... Don't see why you should pander to her and say you mis-remembered

hehe dealer, I know exactly what you mean then

She has to accept you're an adult now and don't have to submit to her playing the parent role.

It can be difficult because she's unlikely to embrace her authority being challenged, but if it means a lot to you it's worth trying to change the boundaries.

No time like the present