Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so very frustrated with this situation even tho its absolutely nowt to do with me.

15 replies

gigglepin · 20/01/2012 20:00

So MIL is in hospital and it seems that not alot is being done, well i can only presume not alot is bieng done.

She says that she doesnt know about any test results, has had several investigations and doesnt know what these have shown.

She only tells half a story and i dont think that she even asks. Stuff she is told, i dont think that she understands anyway.

DH is so worried about her and is getting upset that they are not being told anything.
Its absolutely none of my buisiness and that is how it stays, i dont get involved, but i have suggested that he asks his mum what she thinks about making an appointment with her consultant to discuss results, plans and treatment...with her, his dad and his brother.

I dunno, i just have a bad feeling about all of this. Its upsetting and frustrating, if its bad news, it would be best if folk knew, we have ds to think about you see.

Please believe me when i say that i am not involved in this in anyway and my suggestion to DH is the very first thing i have said on the subject in over the 2 weeks that this has been going on. Ive said nothing since either.

Poor DH and poor MIL Sad

OP posts:
ruddynorah · 20/01/2012 20:04

yes of course they need an appointment with the consultant, or at the very least can they speak to a nurse in charge of her care plan?

why are you banging on about how it's none of your business? it's your dh's mother, you should be involved, offering support and suggestions. how odd to not discuss it with your dh.

heyannie · 20/01/2012 20:06

I don't think you are being unreasonable and I do think it has quite a bit to do with you by proxy, even though she is not your mother. It's stressful being in hospital or having a relative in hospital, and it is completely feasible that nothing is being done and tests are showing nothing. Some hospital staff are excellent, some are completely useless and dismissive of the patient, and not bothering to keep them updated. Sometimes it's difficult for the patient to undrestand, as you say. I think if they want to, it would be perfectly reasonable for your FIL or husband to ask to speak to a doctor with your mother. It's frustrating and can be a horrible time, and people can get worked up and not want to know anything for fear of it being bad news, but I think it's better to know where you stand, personally.

I think all you can do is offer your opinion and be supportive, which it sounds like you are doing. I don't think you should feel like you are sticking your beak in, you are married to her son, and you are mother of his grandson, so you have every reason to care. Good luck.

sharenicely · 20/01/2012 20:08

So she has been in hospital for 2 weeks and no-one has spoken to the nurses on the ward?
My dm was in hospital overnight last week and I got a full run down on the problem from one of the nurses, didn't need to make an appointment, just ask when you are visiting.
I also think it's very weird that you have only mentioned this to your dh once in 2 weeks. Are you not allowed to discuss your mil???

Original poster
gigglepin · 20/01/2012 20:11

We dont have that kind of relationship. They definitely see me as an outsider and keep me at arms length so i respect that and keep away.

I am a nurse myself, and i suspect that she has in fact been given some information during ward rounds (She has had CT scans, gastroscopes, bloods, USS etc) i cant believe that she has not been given ANY feedback at all about any of those tests. She is now awaitng an MRI. Poss they havent got to the bottom of her problems.

When DH asks, she just says they haven't said anything Hmm

OP posts:
Whatmeworry · 20/01/2012 20:12

You may find she knows exactly what is going on, its bad news, and she doesn't want you upset.

Parents do that sort of thing.

Callisto · 20/01/2012 20:13

God how very weird. You are adamant that your husbands mother being in hospital is nothing to do with you (which I just don't get) and then say 'poor DH and MIL'.

Do you hate your MIL? Is there history that you and she don't get on and so you have nothing to do with her? I just can't understand it. If my MIL was in hospital I would be fully involved with making sure she was getting the care she needed.

And this: "if its bad news, it would be best if folk knew, we have ds to think about you see." WTF?

Original poster
gigglepin · 20/01/2012 20:14

She has previously had cancer and told them all that the doctor told her it was a malignant melenoma which is a simple lump in her eye!!!

FIl kept saying "oh dear, i hope its not the big 'C'" wtf!

OP posts:
ruddynorah · 20/01/2012 20:17

you're a nurse? so you should be able to offer much more help with all of this.

Original poster
gigglepin · 20/01/2012 20:19

mmm see what i mean about the half a story thing with her. She tells what she wants folk to know, she is fully entitled to that, its her buisiness/confidentiality/her body and all that.

They dont like me, goes back 18 years or so, history...oh yes! No falling out, nothing like that, they just dont like me. They are aslo a bit wierd about health issues tbh, i had 6th mc in July last year, been in hospital for each of these mcs, and never heard a single thing from any of them, nothing. I just think that they are uncomfortable about health type things.

I would be even less popular if i said anything or got involved, in fact they are likely to tell me in a round about way that they can sort it all themselves..in other words...feck off gigglepin.

OP posts:
Original poster
gigglepin · 20/01/2012 20:21

Also, itching to go in and ask for DH and clarify anything that she may not understand, but they just would not appreciate it.
Hence my frustration Sad

OP posts:
ChrissasMissis · 20/01/2012 20:28

Gigglepin - I totally understand. I have just experienced a semi-similar situation with my Mum. Firstly, I would say that I understand why you feel it is nothing to do with you directly, coming from a very similar family, who are somewhat obsessed with etiquette and social boundaries. What I would say though, is that you should involve and inform yourself so that you may properly support your DH as and when he needs it.

Whilst my Mum was ill in hospital, we were not included in any medical discussion and the doctors did not feel the need to keep my Dad "in the loop". If this is how your DH also feels and that his mother's care is lacking, there are some practical steps he can take to ensure that this is addressed:

  1. She should not be afraid of being seen as a "bad" patient. The squeakiest wheel gets the most oil.

  2. For a better idea of your MIL's condition/treatment, ask to speak to the Ward Manager.

  3. If you get no joy there, contact her Consultant's secretary and insist on an appointment to discuss her condition/treatment/care

  4. If you are still frustrated at this stage, contact the hospital PALS and outline your difficulties.

  5. You can also review the hospital on the HS Choices website:

(www.nhs.uk/Pages/HomePage.aspx)

Very best of luck. I hope this is the sort of advice that you were seeking.

Original poster
gigglepin · 20/01/2012 20:35

ahhh chrissasmissisthanks you SO much for understanding what i mean, im not explaining myself very well, and feel a flaming coming on.....

In fairmess it IS difficult to get becuase it is a strange set up, i understand why people are getting narked and a bit "wtf" with me on this thread, its hard to explain.

BOUNDRIES is the word that best describes this situation, and not crossing these very clear lines between them & me. Unspoken but very very clearly there.
I am unable to get any further...frustrating to say the least. I cannot go in there and force myself upon them, i just cant...so here i am on the side lines, catching snippets of info and trying to make sense of it all.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 20/01/2012 20:48

But can't you get involved through your DH rather than directly?

mynewpassion · 20/01/2012 21:50

Has your DH been to the hospital to talk to the doctors and nurses himself? If he hasn't, you should encourage him to go so that he gets first hand account instead of filtered account from MIL.

So there are boundaries but you are a nurse who likely knows the ins and outs of a hospital setting. You can direct your DH to speak to the appropriate people so that he gets a better idea of the situation. You can be with him to talk to the medical professional and explain the medical speak to plain English.

Boundaries doesn't mean hands off. It means not get directly involve but can be in the background with support and information.

LatteLady · 20/01/2012 21:59

My mother was very similar... however she had an alternative agenda, it transpired that she had Ca Liver and had been told. My sister asked to see the Reg who was on the ward at the time, he was somewhat perplexed and said, "but we have discussed this with Mrs C... has she not told you that she has cancer of the liver?"

When my sister asked her why she had not told her, my mum said, "I just did not want you to have a memory of me telling you that I had cancer."

I am sure that this is not the case with your mil but sometimes parents get very odd ideas.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread