To put myself and children before my husband

[laluna]

I am prepared to be told I abu but this has been escalating for some time and has come to a head.

Husband works a 90 mile (one way) commute away. He stays there overnight approx 2-3 nights a week to save on petrol. I work shifts - albeit part time - but 12 hr nights and days. My job is stressful - I am a delivery suite sister and we juggle the childcare between us as it is hard to find an appropriate alternative to fit around my shifts.

His work is becoming increasing demanding and inflexible - despite knowing my shifts a month if two in advance he has on a couple of occasions said he has to work at the last minute and of course it is me who has to try and swap the shift and make other arrangements. He has been away mon to wed this week - back wed night, me long day yesterday, him away again today. He has just called to say he has been requested to work on Sunday. Thus will mean being away sun morning and then all of next week too and I am on nights on Saturday night!

So once again our family time has gone, I am just shoved aside and disregarded and am expected to be awake for 36 hrs in a row.

Now he is getting pressure from his boss and I know DH is conscientious but he doesn't know where to draw the line between work and family.

My kids miss him loads (obviously) and the LO cries every night for him.

AIBU and precious to think that we deserve to come first sometimes or should I just support him? If so how do I do this? Just fed up with feeling so alone in it all - God I admire single parents cos I am not managing the demands very well.

You need to talk to him.

I'm sorry you're having such a tought time. The next week does sound v daunting for you .

I wouldnt say you were being shoved aside and discarded. As you say, his employers are putting a lot of pressure on him.

Can he look for a job nearer to home with more flexible hours that will fit in with your hours?

I think that's quite unreasonable, given it's so short notice - he should have said no. Is there anyone that can help look after the kids OP?

He can't do it, he shouldn't have said yes - he has other commitments already.

How would he react if you suddenly did that to him?

YOu are def not BU.

Sounds like a pretty unsustainable situation to me. You can't be awake that long and function normally! You can't spend so much time apart without it affecting your relationship...
Hard to know how much choice he has in not putting you guys before his job - what would be the consequences of him telling his boss no? I have had a job before where that would be tantamount to a resignation and where would that leave you all?
It sounds horridness itself. Maybe a life priorities review and some tough changes are needed to make a difference. It sounds like a unrelenting treadmill. Could other jobs for one or other of you be considered? Can you relocate nearer to his work so he doesn't have to stay away from the home?
Sorry, not much help, think I have more questions than answers!

Hmm its not his fault really though its his works. I can see why your mad but realistic would he get the time off if he said no? Would he get in trouble at work?

Thats not to say he is in the right though, it sounds like you need to sit down and have a proper talk

He needs to rethink his priorities. He sounds very unsupportive of your career.

YANBU. You are both working parents and both of you should be making compromises between work and family if need be, not just one person. If he can't do his share of the childcare duties he needs to find a childminder who can cover for him.

I suppose it depends how essential his job is, really (I mean, to you as a family - not to the world at large). Could he get another job? Is it better paid/more exciting/harder to find than any alternative?

DH's job is very demanding in terms of stress and hours, and he very very frequently has to go away overnight or for a long day (back 10/11pm) at little or no notice. However, he loves what he does and he is pretty well paid (not amazingly well paid, but a good salary) so I end up picking up the slack at home. Having said that, I work for myself and it's very flexible, so I often end up sitting at the laptop working for a couple of hours after DD is in bed, especially on the days when I have no childcare.

If I had wanted to keep my old job (solicitor) it would not have been sustainable to do so without a full time nanny. Can you get childcare? Do you love your job and want to keep it? Does he?

You clearly both need to work out a solution because what you're doing isn't going to be fun long term.