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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have a Friday morning rant about bullying?

34 replies

entropygirl · 20/01/2012 09:37

So, on a recent thread, there was a general wonderment about how 4 year olds already pick on any kid that looks funny and people asking 'where do they get it from?'

To misquote from just a few threads in recent days:

Don't buy your 7 year old the pram he asked for for his birthday - he will get teased.

Don't give your kids hand-me-downs from the opposite sex, they will get teased.

Do take any excess hair off your hirsute DC, or they will get teased.

Do let your teenage DD have a boob job as it's horrible to have stand out small or large boobs.

Don't BF beyond school age. (Okay, now you are thinking there must be a good medical reason for telling someone how to feed their child right? Wrong.) Because they will be teased if anyone finds out.

Any number of people saying how glad they are that they are PG with a DD so they can buy frilly pink outfits and dolls.

Or in other words the average message on mumsnet is that the best way to support your DC is not to promote their individual likes, dislikes, interests and uniqueness but to CONFORM CONFORM CONFORM.

(I do mean average - there are obviously lots of people attempting to stem the tide.)

Where do 4 yo learn that individuality is a bad idea? They learn it in 4 years worth of brainwashing from their parents.

So how about we collectively pull out the finger and start promoting individuality in our DC's (stop buying blue and pink and toy guns and barbie dolls) and maybe, instead of having to protect our kids from teasing, day in, day out, we will be able to stop bulling at it's source.

OP posts:
coraltoes · 20/01/2012 09:38

And breathe

Original poster
entropygirl · 20/01/2012 09:38

coral you cant possibly have read it that fast.....are you gifted and talented?

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 20/01/2012 09:39

I get your point I really do OP so that respect YANBU

However, having seen first hand what bullying can do to people even years later I would just take any precautions to stop DS being a target for bullies. Very sad yes but sometimes prevention is better than cure.

Original poster
entropygirl · 20/01/2012 09:41

betty oh I know how horrible it is, but there are some people that cant change. Think disabilities or birth defects. So by this whole protect our own we are just diverting the shit onto others.

prevention is certainly better than cure...thats why I am proposing we prevent the situation arising by teaching DC's to be different.

OP posts:
coraltoes · 20/01/2012 09:45

I did read it that fast, and I am gifted and very very talented.

Seriously I agree with you to an extent. Individuality is key but we cannot force dc into situations where we know they will be teased. A bit of protection will do them no harm. I was always taught to stand my ground, be outspoken and take no crap from Ayone regardless of seniority. This has stood me well in life, despite the odd clash. I conform where it doesn't matter but I stand up for myself, argue my point, and make sure I am being listened to when it really matters to me.

I'd like my dd to be similar. I would hate for her to not find her voice.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 20/01/2012 09:47

Oh god yes of course stuff like that cant be changed, didnt really think of things like that.

I just encourage my DS to be happy, try his best, be kind to others etc etc - in his class they have a little boy who is severly autistic...all the kids love him to bits and are very protective of him......I think it is lovely to see and of course, it teaches them to accepting of people who are maybe a bit different to them.

He did have a pram, he did have a hoover, a handbag, loved to wear beads etc etc when he was say 3. However, once he started school I sort of swayed him away from all that (not much effort though so he wasnt that bothered). I see what you are saying I really do but I just dont think I could leave him wide open to be a target......he's a sensitive soul anyway and sometimes doesnt fit in all that well so I dont want to make it harder for him. Sorry, selfish I know but I just want him to be happy and settled in life.

feedthegoat · 20/01/2012 09:50

Where do they get it from? Judging by the fact that I have first hand experience of fully grown adults thinking it is ok to walk up to me whilst out shopping and make nasty insults about my goofy teeth I'd say for many it is just learned behaviour sadly and some people just don't grow out of it!

squeakytoy · 20/01/2012 09:51

I think some people, and it is certainly on the increase these days, confuse teasing with bullying.

Giyadas · 20/01/2012 09:53

YANBU, very good post.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 20/01/2012 09:54

I agree Squeaky...my DS has a confused idea of bullying. He will come home and say so and so bullied me today, he made a nasty comment about me, something like that anyway...I try and explain to him that he hasnt really been bullied and that he should just say something witty back and then ignore.

DeWe · 20/01/2012 10:03

Dd2 was born missing her hand. At up to about age 2/3years they don't notice. Age 3-6years they notice and ask questions. They may make little comments that are unkind, but usually not with malice (with a few exceptions) it's 7+ that they start being nasty about it. Sad

lesstalkmoreaction · 20/01/2012 11:31

I get where you are coming from but there are years ahead for children and adults young and old to express there individuality when they are ready but I also think at some times in life its also a good life lesson to be able to conform.

Most children also go through a nasty stage, its how they learn how other people feel and how they feel when someone is nasty to them.

There will always be bullies whatever the age, school and in the workplace and we are all different with how we deal with them. Some of us are able to shrug it off others spend days in tears its how we are, different.

strawberrymivvi · 20/01/2012 12:05

I wholeheartedly agree op.

My ds was badly bullied, he was different from the other boys at primary school and didn't fit in. He had the wrong kind of pants, we changed them. He had the wrong kind of lunch box, we changed it. Next he had the wrong kind of PE bag. We talked about it on the way home from school.
"Did he really think that changing his bag was going to stop them calling him names?"
"What would happen next if he changed his bag?"
"Did he think that they would just find something else about him to pick on?"
"What if this next thing was something he couldn't change, like his nose or teeth?"

He decided to keep the bag, ditched the boxer-shorts and go back to the old comfortable pants. He's now at secondary school which has been the making of him. He still doesn't conform as the majority of his peers but now has found some kindred spirits.

We are all different, it's a shame we have to spend so many years pretending that we're not.

Hullygully · 20/01/2012 12:10

Ah. But see, what you can do is say, "Wear what you like, it's all bollocks anyway, but be mindful that there are a lot of conformist nightmares out there who will point at you. It's up to you if you can cope with it or not. When you leave school, you can be as individual as you like and no one will give a shit."

I speak as the parent of a hair clip wearing boy.

This does not apply to disabilities etc of course.

Hullygully · 20/01/2012 12:10

Or to Strawberry's situation where it is the child himself who is the target regardless.

LordOfTheFlies · 20/01/2012 12:12

I have personal opinions that other people won't agree with, but I don't broadcast them, though they influence my day to day life.

So in this day and age, am I not allowed to pass my beliefs to my children?

Original poster
entropygirl · 20/01/2012 14:15

Well thanks for mostly agreeing...or are you all just doing that to fit in?

LOTF huh? Why shouldnt you let your kids know your beliefs? I think that brainwashing of any type is to be generally avoided...and that dumbly believing what you are told is not a particularly useful life skill . But once you have taught your kids to think for themselves then there is no reason not to tell them the conclusions that you have come to, from thinking for yourself.

OP posts:
minimisschief · 20/01/2012 14:32

You are very naive if you think bullying has anything to do with conformity. You can be bullied for any number of reasons the things you are bullied about also can have nothing to do with why you are bullied in the first place.

We are social animals and it is in our nature to behave or do things within groups to feel apart of it. Bullying is part of that group mentality and someone is always going to be on the bottom.

minimisschief · 20/01/2012 14:37

For example in my secondary school there was a obese classmate. Now usually in groups that child would have been picked on to death and bullied because of his weight. However he never was and was highly popular.However there was one lad who got bullied alot and he was just an ordinary child with nothing to actively different about him to cause him to be bullied.

Original poster
entropygirl · 20/01/2012 15:22

just wanted to add this from LeQueen talking about her DD on a different thread.

'Would I swap her being a bit less bright, and therefore more at ease at school and 'just like everyone else' Yep, like a bleddy shot.'

You dont have to be different to by bullied but a lot of bullying behaviour may stem from being blasted with the CONFORM message at a young age.

OP posts:
YuleingFanjo · 20/01/2012 15:26

"Or in other words the average message on mumsnet is that the best way to support your DC is not to promote their individual likes, dislikes, interests and uniqueness but to CONFORM CONFORM CONFORM. "

I don't get this message from Mumsnet at all.

I do get annoyed with people saying 'you can't call a child that, they will be bullied' because that takes the blame away from the bullies which is totally wrong.

As a parent I think it's my job to give my child self-esteem and encourage him in whatever quirks/differences he has. If he ends up surrounded by other kids who have been raised to think it's ok to bully others for the way they are then all I can hope to do is equip him with the self esteem and sense to realise how rediculous they are and how lucky he is.

Original poster
entropygirl · 20/01/2012 15:29

I guess you arent on the anti - G&T thread....everyones going on about wishing their talented kids werent talented and how they never mention their kids achievements to anyone in real life....there maybe other things being said but I cant hear them over CONFORM!

OP posts:
Gribble · 20/01/2012 16:05

I was bullied terribly all my school life

Yes it should be ok to be different, wear 'dated' clothes, be smarter than the other kids and proud of that fact etc, but as someone who was spat on, egged, tripped up and my school bag being emptied on the road every day, Id have given anything to be like the rest.

Mind you, the bullying stopped when I punched the 'ringleader' one day and knocked her clean out

Greenshirt · 20/01/2012 16:21

I read it in 17 seconds-it's not War and PeaceHmm.
I shall make all attempts to let my children do their own thing,but not to the extent of finding them hanging from a rope due to severe bullying.

Greenshirt · 20/01/2012 16:22

I read it in 17 seconds-it's not War and PeaceHmm.
I shall make all attempts to let my children do their own thing,but not to the extent of finding them hanging from a rope due to severe bullying.