Where the hell do I go with this now that I have realised the link?

[GlueSticksEverywhere]

I've put this in AIBU just because the original thread was. I was hoping some of the same people who posted on the first one might be around.

I have realised that the way my DH is incapable of sticking up for me with his troublesome family (thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1344663-Not-wanting-to-ask-ILs-to-babysit?pg=1 if you can be bothered) to the point where he does not say one single word on the subject but expects me to just take whatever they throw at me for a quiet life, is so similar to when I was growing up and my parents were incapable of defending me from a violent relative.

I would get hit and kicked etc but they didn't know what to do about it/were incapable/were too weak to do anything and it was easier for them to have me just accept it. The most they did was have a word with the person doing it which I think happened once but they were so weak about it that they might as well not have bothered.

I can't believe I have ended up marrying someone who is so similar to my parents! I don't know how it happened, I didn't see it coming!

Being treated like this has left me feeling disposable as though I don't matter, but deep down I know that I do. I think this could be the cause of all the anger that I have, as I feel so frustrated and ignored and unimportant. Or at least that is what I feel other people are saying to me by treating me like this.

My DH has his own very deeply burried issues which have made him like this and is getting help. I am pleased he is finally doing it but am cautious about hoping too much that it will actually work. I have been trying to get him to stick up for himself and me with his family for years and this is the most progress I have ever made in that he has agreed to see a counsellor. I think they will have to be very, very good to get anything out of him.

I can't live my life being treated now as an adult in the same way that I was as a child.

Now that I have realised this link and that it might be causing my anger how do I deal with it? I supposed I need to work through it but I don't know where to start.

I didn't want to read and run - I remember reading your other thread at the time. I'd say it's a big step that you have realised what's happened/happening and are prepared to do something about it. I have no idea what, what I or anyone else would do isn't necessarily what's right for you, but to be ready to make changes and not put up with their crap anymore is a good thing.
I'm sure someone sensible will have some better advice for you, and suggestions of what you can do.
And can I be the first to do the traditional rousing AIBU cry of "Leave the bastard"

You've already started by identifying the problem. That's actually the hard part i.e. accepting there's a problem in the first place. The solution can be tackled in several ways.

1. Work on your own assertiveness. There are training courses, books and other resources to help you break out of your self-imposed silence. By being more assertive in general, you will feel less frustrated and more in control.
2. Demand support from your DH.... even if he can't do anything actively because of his 'issues', he can passively support you by not standing in your way if you act more assertively. Tell him to expect boats to be rocked, in other words.
3. Boost your feelings of self-worth by actively pursuing things that make you feel good. Make yourself #1 in your life rather than children, employers, partners, friends.

Good luck. You're 50% of the way there. :)

I'd normally say it's a good idea to talk to the other person, ie your DH in this case, and explain why it makes you feel this way.

However, in this case there is a danger that he will always blame the way you're feeling on the stuff from your childhood. He would be able to use this as an excuse for invalidating how you feel and say you're over-reacting. (Not saying he would do this, but it would be an easy way out of something he clearly finds v difficult.)

Having read your other OP, I would say anyone would feel incredibly upset at your treatment and the way your DH has failed to put you and your family first. This would still be true if it didn't happen to trigger something from your past.

So tread carefully. Can you speak to a counsellor as well?

Thanks for your replies. I will look into the assertiveness thing. I have sort of done this before at counselling and am so much better then I was at it. In fact I thought I was a completely different person afterwards so I am disappointed that it has sneakily been continuing.

schobe You're right that I need to be careful abut my DH using it to dismiss my feelings. I have actually told him already (whoops). He initially reacted defensively as he always does. He took my realisation a bit personally as though I was having a go at him, I wasn't not meaning to, but trying to put across why the way he reacts is doubly painful for me. He sort of gets it but then says that I am not a psychologist. Of course he is right but it just seems so obvious to me now, I don't think I would need to be a psychologist to see it. He says that he is getting help and doesn't know what else he can do, but it the next breath that he thinks analysing yourself like this is self indulgent. For it to work he needs to be more open minded.

Re 'taking it personally'. Getting past this is part of what it takes to be more assertive..... when you start saying 'no' or 'I want' or 'I'm not happy with' there will be people that take it personally. The big stride is deciding that even though they are taking it personally, your wishes/feelings are more important and take priority. Worry less about not upsetting the apple-cart. Being considerate is no good if it means being treated like a mug.

Don't rely on your husband in this situation therefore. Let him deal with his problems his way. Your problem is with his family (haven't read the thread) by the sound of it and those are the people you tackle directly. If he starts 'taking it personally' or they start taking it personally..... repeat to yourself 'that's their problem, not mine'.