..about spending time with friend and her aggressive toddler?

[Baggypussy]

So, I have a friend. We both have DC the same age (2.5). For the last 1.5yrs, her DC has been going through a 'phase' of biting, scratching general (and sometimes quite extreme imo) aggression. My DC and also those of other friends have often been on the receiving end of this. It has got to the stage that during most playdates, either my DC or someone elses comes away either bitten or badly scratched in some way.

Whilst I've heard my friend say she is doing xyz about this, it's rare that I've actually witnessed her doing a great deal. I've heard a multitude of (lame) excuses for this behaviour, and it often ends up being myself or other parents look out to watch her DC like a hawk to stop our DC from being attacked!

So, whilst I sympathise with my friend, and still like her DC, I am sick to death of this behaviour. As a result, I have withdrawn somewhat from spending too much time with them. I have also been fairly open with friend as to why.

However, friend is quite pushy and has made it clear that she thinks IABU. Am I? And also, WWYD?

You're not being unreasonable. I had this with my DS1 and my then friend's DS1 when they were similar ages and did the same as you. You have to look out for your own child and protect them especially when they are too small to look out or themselves. He did grow out of the phase though and we were able to socialise again.

Its very difficult, but you are right in some ways. I think the main issue isn't that her child has problems but that you are the one who has to watch all the children 'like a hawk' when really, your friend should be doing it.

I am not one for excluding children so young, and have been through almost the same scenario and also had to withdraw. I wouldn't never state the reason of your withdrawal as being about the child's behaviour, as solutions take time, and key to finding a solution is getting a violent child to socialise and learn. Instead, state your reason that it is not your responsiblity to supervise her child, it is hers. SHE has to be the one watching her child like a hawk, she needs to learn the warning signs (so therefore needs to be watching) and she needs to intervene early.

YANBU.

Your friend is at fault. Not you, not her child.

My friend would sit with her coffee, nattering away, not watching her child, and it came to a head when her son almost bit the nose of another friend's sleeping baby, who was tucked up in her own cot in her own room. She protested that the baby's mother should have been watching her sleeping child! WTF? She should have been watching hers given that her child was known to bite at every opportunity.

On the bright side, her child is now 6, doing brilliantly and not biting. Thanks to the work of the pre-school and reception staff in part, and thanks to other children who refused to play with a child who was so aggressive, he soon learned that if he wanted friends he had to stop trying to eat them.

Her child has been doing this since 1? That is unusual behaviour in a 1 yr old. But YANBU to stop spending time with someone who makes you uncomfortable.

YA definitely not BU. Its really tricky, I had the same with a friend's little boy who the last few times we saw them kept hitting and biting my DD (both of them 22 months old). My daughter ended up with a slap mark on her cheeks and a quite deep bite mark on her hand from one 'play date', but the worst part was her utter confusion and upset at why he was hurting her. I really liked my friend and we were very close, but I felt that she didnt really take him doing this seriously at all or try to stop it, so I did start to avoid her a little bit.

For me it ended because she was moving back home to another country so I get to keep up the friendship through facebook without having to deal with it. It sounds like you have bought it up with her which was pretty brave of you. I think you just have to stick to your guns on not spending time with the DCs together. Is there any way you can meet in an evening with her without them to show that you still value her friendship.

Its awful for you and your child to have this behaviour.

However, I feel that if you try and help that child, by distraction, constant praise for good behaviour, etc., then maybe you could help to turn this biting/scratching stuff around. Maybe your friend is exhausted from dealing with it, or doesn't know really how to stop it?

It takes a village to raise a child....

YANBU. I think your friend should use it to help explain to her DS that his behaviour is making people not want to play with him (stressing that it's the biting/scratching that's the problem, not him as a person). At 2.5 years he will have limited ability to understand, but parts of it will sink in if repeated.

Mine went through a short-lived phase of this and that's how I handled it, along with an immediate time-out (no warnings, unlike time-outs for other reasons). Seemed to do the trick.

Sounds like the problem isn't the aggressive toddler but the lack of response from it's parent. I too would limit my child's time with any parent who didn't ensure that their child's needs were being met.

Agree with Aldi that the 'watching the child like a hawk' is the issue. Thats exactly what I was doing, on complete tenderhooks while his mother chatted away and ignored it all. I was the one trying to distract him with toys and games, but must admit I didnt really know how to help (or what I would do to stop it if it was my DD, except not take her to play)

My DS used to be the same, but I used to watch him like a hawk during any kind of playdate type thing and quickly remove him from the situation, 9 times out of 10 just before he did something. However it wasn't always possible to grab him in time and sometimes he did manage to hit/pull hair/scratch etc another child. He grew out of this phase by the time he was 2.5 but it was a really difficult 18 months for me (it started at 1 year old).

I have no idea why he did what he did. A lot of my friends withdrew from me at this time as they didn't want to risk their child getting hurt. This hurt me as I was doing my level best to stop it happening. What I have been amused at (and I don't give a fig if anyone thinks that I'm being mean) is that a lot of these friends of mine had children who went through the exact same stage - only later. Those people who withdrew from me I'm not close to now and only see at the park and at other Mums houses but I have let them know how I felt at them time and I've had a few apologies.

YANBU. it sounds like she really isn't attempting to deal with the child at all. One of my close friends had a son who was always pulling my DD's hair and biting her, but she always adressed it and I admired her persistence in working with her son. One play date he actually had 5 time outs! Fast forward a year and he's so much better behaved and a joy to have play dates with.

But it sounds like spending time with your friend and her DC is much different. I'd do a bit of withdrawing as well if the situation were the same.

yanbu. why should you enter into a situation that you kid gets attached, be firm but fair and stand ground on this

Oatcake- I think that's why I let it go on for so long. I hated the idea of hurting this friend's feelings, particularly with regard to an issue which could just as likely turn out to be something that my DC could end up doing (but thankfully, so far hasn't).

BUT- her DC does not appear to be being removed from situations, and if there is an intervention made it would appear that 9 times out of 10, that intervention is made by someone else!

To add to this, friend had another DC 3 months ago, which means she is now often BF'ing etc. But again, this was happening way before arrival of DC2.

Also, it's difficult as friend seems to think she is doing all she can. But she is quite difficult to talk to about it. When the subject comes up, she never asks 'any ideas what I should do?', it's always 'I am doing xyz', or 'DC is doing that because of (insert reason/someone else's fault)'

However, from what I have witnessed, the xyz is generally carried out inconsistently (IMO). Therefore, I don't really feel as though I am invited to contribute to the conversation, or help her find a solution.

YANBU. I would be mortified if my DC had behaved like this, and the fact that she isn't mortified shows she's not taking it seriously! Bet she wouldn't be so keen if the boot was on the other foot.