to think that DD will be as safe on the other side of the world than she would be here?

[CrabbyBigbottom]

I know she will. Tell me she will please.

DD (9) left today for almost four weeks in New Zealand with ex-DP. It's an amazing opportunity for her, and I'm sure she'll have a fantastic time. I know that NZ is as safe a place for her to be as here, and that the chances of something awful (plane crash, drowning, car crash, drowning, falling off volcanoes, drowning, and did I mention drowning? ) happening are miniscule. But I've still been filled with unshakeable dread and middle-of-the-night disaster-mongering in my anxious brain.

It doesn't help that DD's been quite teary the last few days, with lots of 'I'll miss you SO much mummy' and ' this is our last day together' - cue me saying hurriedly and very firmly 'last day until you come home safe and sound and happy!!'

I'm BU to be so fearful, right? It is entirely reasonable to assume that she will be absolutely fine in NZ, and not worry any more than if she were just at her dad's house?

Your last sentence, exactly. But big hugs because it's still nerve-wracking I'm sure! Big breaths, she'll be absolutely fine.

We have babies here. Even some children.

They're not all falling into volcano craters and drowning themselves. Plus, it's summer right now.

She'll be fine.

I'm pretty sure the drowning risk in NZ would be pretty similar to here (ie minuscule).

It is entirely natural to worry (I'd be a wreck) but yes, U - it is a wonderful opportunity for her (& 3 cheers for you for letting her go).

I think what you're feeling is entirely natural and good on you for having the sense to see through your fears and know she will have a great time! Just gently remind yourself that bad shit could happen right outside your front door then try to worry no more!

You are doing amazingly well to let her go in the first place and for 4 WEEKS, but she wants to do this of course and her dad wants to take her and why shouldnt he. Its hard being apart i dont doubt but she really will thank you for it and so will her dad. There is one comfort, she is with her dad and i am absolutely sure he wouldnt let any harm come to her. You will still be able to talk, get skype or something or facebook each other every few days to keep in contact and she can put lots of pictures up so you'll know she is safe and having plenty of fun. Well done you...you must me a fantastic mum for letting her go all that way.

I think that you are very sensible, anyone would worry but know that they shouldn't. I have no doubt she will miss you but it is a great opportunity and it was lovely that you didn't lumber her with your feelings. Well done! Can you Skype?

Aw thank you all for your lovely supportive messages! Sorry didn't mean to post and run; just rang friend for a pep talk.

You are all absolutely right - the risks are miniscule and she's just as likely (if not more so) to come to harm here than there. It's just that empty awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that she'll be so fucking far away! But I shall quash that and focus on the fantastic time she'll have and all the wonderful experiences.

Her dad adores her and will take very good care of her, it's just that he's sometimes slightly distracted - I'm thinking back to the first time he took her abroad, when she was 5, and I was terrified, and got her back with a bottom so badly sunburned (long story, he shouldn't have let her take off the shorts ) that it was still scarlet and blistered when she got home. He's a much more experienced parent now, though. And she's older too, of course.

Yes we can skype, and calls to NZ are included in my package (Yay for Sky), so allowing for the time difference, we'll be in regular contact.

Slinking I didn't mean to cast aspersions on your wonderful country! The drowning thing is my personal dread fear preoccupation - water terrifies the life out of me, yet DD is incredibly drawn to it, and ex-DH loves it, and takes her on boat holidays. I have this deep terror once a year when he whisks her off on a group boat holiday (like a big yacht thing that sleeps up to 20), but so far they've been in Greece or Turkey. Still terrifying, but not so far away. DD is so excited at the thought of snorkelling at Goat Island, and swimming and maybe going sailing etc. I've been very excited and rictus grin positive about the impending water adventures.

I know it's just my paranoia. You've all made me feel better already; I thank you.

Cooking dinner now, not posting and running again.

She will be fine...my cousing went to the USA aged 7 with her Dad....it was the 1970s and she flew alone! Well the airline staff cared for her but still...can you even imagine!

My cousin is a woman now and still pops off to California regularly. Your DD will grow through this trip....has she got time off school? I ask because we might go to Oz next December and I was thinking of asking the HT for time off...

No offence taken whatsoever!

You sound lovely and normal, and she will be just fine.

BandOMothers DD is currently home educated. Ex-DP suggested taking DD to NZ quite a while ago, as he knew he was going to have to spend some time there overseeing some work on his mum's house. He asked if I thought the school would give her the time off to go, and my reply was 'well you can ask them, but good luck with that '

For lots of other reasons, we decided to try home-ed for DD, and she finished school at the end of Nov. It's been great that DD can go on this trip with him, as not only is it a great opportunity (despite all my neuroses) and a chance to spend some time with her elderly and very frail DGM, but because it gave us a great first topic to focus on in HE. I really don't think that school would have authorised the time off - we didn't even bother asking. I guess some people choose to take it as unauthorised absence, though, and pay any fine that results. I find it all a bit crap to be honest; what children must gain from being immersed in another culture is an amazing learning experience, surely? Schools are so bound by attendance figures etc though, that I'm not surprised they feel unable to 'encourage' things like this.

Thanks again people for your support. I might be back on here whimpering pathetically over the coming weeks.

She'll be fine, and she'll thank you when she is older for letting her have the opportunities. Don't worry. :)

Oh, I can so relate to this when my son went off as a UM (Unaccompanied Minor) to his grandparents abroad.

It's all part of motherhood!

He was always fine and has wonderful memories of partly growing up (school holidays, when I had to work) in another country, being doted on by his grandparents, and last but not least learning his own independance and another language!

You have given her a great opportunity that will give her great memories for life!

Didn't read the whole thread so don't know if you have other babes to take care of..

But if not, I can only recommend this time to completely spoil yourself doing what YOU want to do! And recharge your batteries.

I bet she will have an amazing time and will be absolutely fine but I totally understand your feelings. It is SO hard! My DD went to France for a week with my parents when she was 7 and I found it incredibly difficult. However, she was of course fine. It was amazing when she came back though! I couldn't put her down!!!!

Good for you for letting her go, this will be a wonderful experience and will give her no end of confidence.

Skype and email regularly and look forward to getting your adventurous young lady back!

Thank you! I was thinking today that this never ends, does it - this anxiety about their safety? When they go away to uni, or on their first holiday alone, or gap year or whatever, or when they move out to live in the city with all the risks that entails. Basically every move towards independence is designed to cause us parents maximum terror that their lives will be cut tragically short. It's a life sentence of worry, isn't it.

Can I say, as someone whose 30 year old ds1 is currently spending a year working and travelling in NZ (after an exciting 2,000 mile cycle trip down the West Coast of America) that yes, you do get less anxious.

But actually, you never quite get past a certain "thoughtfulness" when you see pictures of the white water rafting, the floods, the bears, the earthquakes etc.

However, having positively encouraged my 2 sons to grow up and be independent, fearless travellers or to do other exciting things with their lives, I've also got to accept that they are perfectly capable of looking after themselves. I tend to rationalise things by realising that actually, they still haven't got up to half the hair-raising things I'd done at their age and I came through unscathed!

I think your dd will have the most fantastic time, OP and come home safely to you when you can share some fabulous stories and the joy of each other's company again.

My mum told me its the only true life sentence there is and doesnt end at 18, look at me back home at 23. Still here mum, i am back and no doubt will need you again at some point!

Goat Island - she will love it.

She will love NZ - everyone is so friendly and there's so much to do/see/enjoy.

Her Dad sounds lovely and like he will look after her properly now she's old enough to put her own suntan lotion on. Seriously though, NZ sun is FIERCE he needs to know that she needs a high factor, regularly applied to soft english skin - plus covering up with a T-shirt and a HAT :)

She'll have a lovely time OP. And you can skype her. I do understand your worry though - I'd be the same!
Yes echo Chipping's comments about sunscreen - but tbh we haven't really needed it this summer. Well, not yet - perhaps when school is back in Feb, which is when summer really starts!

I sent DS1 from he was 5 to USA with an "Auntie" (stewardess) - he is 21 now and he says he loved it.

She will be fine - her father will look after her.

As others have said, it's totally natural to be anxious for your daughter's safety. Just remember, she's with her dad who will look after her and she will have an amazing experience.

I've lived in NZ for a few years now and it's a lovely country and she'll have an absolute ball here. Just two words to the wise- get her dad to make her wear lots of sun screen, reapplied regularly and wear a hat and sun glasses too. The sun is next level here and when we first arrived we learned the hard way - by getting burned after being complacent on an overcast day! Also, make sure you get her dad to stick her in a buoyancy aid at Goat Island. Whilst it's a very popular area, so she'll be well supervised, the tides can sometimes run a bit quick. That's not said to scare you, just to be aware of.

Goat Island - just back from there! She will have so much fun and probably meet lots of other wonderful 9 year olds at playgrounds and beaches and have a blast.

If he's a bit lax about sunblock do remind him. Plus hat. Really, you can't overdo it, the sun is fierce. All the other kids will be the same.

I don't blame you for worrying about drowning and again I'm sure your ex will forgive you for reminding him to watch her like a hawk (depending on her swimming level) when swimming and wear a life jacket kayaking/sailing.

He sounds like a nice dad and it will be a very special time for her. Good for you for being so positive about it, it will help her enjoy it and she won't have to worry about you.

Tell him to get her a rash vest for swimming in - you can even order her one from pumpkin patch online. I've just burn't myself gardening!

She will have a fantastic time and I think you are brill for letting her come.

Got up this morning feeling rather desolate, not helped by reading 'til 2am because I couldn't sleep, and crying soundlessly through the whole second half of my book - I think something else was going on, as Armistead Maupin isn't that moving... This morning I look like I've been punched in the eyes, and seem to have overactivated my tear glands, as they keep malfunctioning again at the slightest thing.

I'm really cheered you've all made me cry again by your kind messages. I know I'm being silly, and that she'll have a fantastic time. I've just spoken to her at the airport, and she was bossing her dad around - "come on Dad we should get in the queue now - give me my boarding card, no I'll hold it! Got to go Mum, ring you from NZ!" The seasoned traveller aged almost nine (her birthday's while she's out there sob )! She's always been very independent - even as a toddler! - so I know I've got years of listening to her hair-raising exploits ahead of me. I am a great believer in enabling them to be independent and adventurous - I just have to keep my natural tendency to dread the worst in check and keep reminding myself that the risks of bad things happening are usually tiny, and that if you live life trying to avoid all risks then it's a life less rich and full. xDP applied for and got NZ citizenship for DD, so I have to face the (wonderful for her) prospect that at some point in her life she'll want to go and live there. It sounds like a beautiful and lovely place, I just wish it wasn't so damn far away!!

Thanks for all the advice too - ex-DP will be careful with sunscreen, I hope, as he was appalled by the sunburn incident and it hasn't happened since. To be fair, he'd put sunscreen on all exposed parts, but then she wanted to take of the shorts (bikini pants underneath). By the time she'd whinged and argued and gone onandonandonandon and he gave in (not a hugely experienced parent at that stage), he forgot to apply cream to her bottom and upper thighs. He grew up in NZ so hopefully realises how strong the sun is, but is much more olive skinned than very pale DD, so I'll remind him.

She's got brand new rash vests, which are 'really cool', apparently. Long sleeved I think, because she's very paranoid about jellyfish after being stung on the arm in Turkey last year. She also has a buoyancy jacket to wear whilst snorkelling (she's not a strong swimmer, unfortunately), and I'll be sure to tell xDP repeatedly to ensure she wears it at Goat Island.

Thanks again for your support.