to feel invisible?

[fber]

I'm in a really shit place right now. I'm run down and exhausted from looking after my 3 kids and doing night shifts with my terminally ill mother.

Can't decide if my husband is selfish or not so please give me your honest opinions...

I always, always, get up with the kids between 6/7 in the morning. He never does. Most he does is put their dressing gowns on and cbeebies and goes back to bed, for me to come down and find they've helped themselves to stuff out of the fridge like yogurts etc. With this in mind I always get up with them now and don't even bother asking him to get up. I take him a cup of tea. Not because I'm subservient, but because I'm making one myself and would seem churlish not to.

I can't sleep at the moment and have to take sleeping tablets which I hate, so I'm always exhausted.

I work 30 hours a week, most in the evenings.

I get no gratitude for everything I do around the house. I organise 3 kids, myself, the house and all the shopping etc.

He never tells me I do a good job. I have had a headache for about 5 weeks intermittently which really gets me down.

The thing that gets me is that he cannot do enough for the kids. He bends over backwards with cuddles and love - sometimes I feel jealous. I never even get so much as a pat on the back. Actually I sometimes get a slap on the arse :(

We never go anywhere or do anything. We never go on holiday, we never even had a honeymoon. It's not about money.

He doesn't hug me much anymore. I'm convinced it's since I went back to work.

Is this just how married life goes? Am I BU and needy? SHould I just grow up?

Dont know what to say BUT i will say that if it were me..in your shoes, i would seriously be sitting down and laying down some rules with him.

Sharing the load.

And booking some times for you both...even to just sit down and have a meal at home together once every 2 weeks or something.

Showing love and affection for his children is lovely..BUT not practical in terms of doing his fair share. Does he do anything around the house to help?

how old are the kids

Yes he sometimes does dinner and he puts the kids to bed when I'm working.

I just feel so INVISIBLE! We never do anything I want to do, unless it suits him too (like staying in and doing nothing)

Is it wrong to want a bit of TLC sometimes? I'm spread quite thinly at the moment and at the end of my rope. All I need is to feel like a human being and not just a housekeeper :(

2, 3 and 16

I've even noticed him being shitty with my dd (who is not his) which really upsets and annoys me.

Been there,done it, laid back and thought of england,thrown the t shirt and got divorced!

Please please talk to him, with being accusing or acting spoiled. Ask him how he is with things as they are with the hours you work. Is he worried about how you working affects the kids? That sort of thing. I ignored these signals and it turned out years after divorce that the start of things going wrong for him was me always being at work in the evenings and at the back and call of my failing health-ed parents. He was lonely and jealous.

Men are notoriously bad at expressing themselves, he may be ignoring you because he doesnt want to add to your stress by saying what is upsetting him.

You are not wrong to want TLC nor to want time out doing nice things - some men need more than hints with this. As do some women, he could feel the same and is bottlingit uo.

What ever I hope you can work it out xx

• without being accusing etc LOL

Does he go to work?

I think you need to be honest, tell him you're not managing it all and that you need some help from him. Be specific about what you'd like him to do, if he's the kind of person that needs directing like me . And some people just aren't touchy feely, but tell him you need his support and that hugs go a long way :)

You do sound terribly (understandably) down, though - I think perhaps things with your DH might seem a lot worse than they are (I hope so).

Also, I'm not sure your kids having yoghurt for brekkie is the end of the world, if you need the rest. A friend used to leave out bowls, spoons and boxes of cereal for her lot and they could just get the milk out in the morning - easy :)

My goodness, apart from your ill mother (so sorry to read that) and 2 extra kids, you have the same life as me!
All my DH does is "cook" tea (move stuff from freezer to oven, wait 30 mins, move to plate) and wash up.
I do ALL the care for our DS, all the housework, all the washing and ironing.
Oh, in the nice weather he washes the cars once a month - I'm told that's crucial (by him).
At times I actually hate him. I had 4 lie ins last year, the only 4 I've had since DS was born 3 years ago.

Ok, that's not helping you but... You are not alone.

Here's my plan: I'm going to book a baby sitter once a month so we can go to cinema...
I'm trying not to moan too much and I'm trying to tidy the house so cleaning is easier (and he can join in)

I object to being reminded that his work clothes aren't ready yet, it makes me feel like a servant

I'm trying not to get angry as its destructive... But he doesn't listen.

I hope you and I get some practical advice...

Oh, I booked a mid week break to Butlins in May, it'll be our first family holiday. Can you railroad your DH into something similar?

MummyNic* Your DH reminds you that his work clothes are not ready? Why don't you show him where the ironing board and iron are --because you are in the middle of ....... and then you'll be .......?

Oh I've tried that with as much sarcasm as it deserved. I also said "hang on, I thought I was your wife not your f'ing housemaid"...
He hasn't said it since but it wasn't long ago and I have been a moron and have done it in good time
I am the most sarcastic person I know and regularly say "if you don't like it, do it yourself" etc... Not sure my sarcasm is welcome though

i feel like you do atm too, :(

xxxxx

Fber - you seriously need to have a full and frank discussion with your husband. You have got a serious amount on your plate and you need some support. That should come from your husband, but obviously he can't/won't see it. Tell him straight, don't fuck around booking holidays and babysitters. You are a partnership, no?

MummyNic - you are a servant. Why the fuck are you getting his clothes ready? Tell him to sort it himself and let him get on with it.

sit down and talk to your hubby. you need to arrange to spend a small bit of time together each day chatting.