To be heartbroken for my sister in law (and best friend) who just had her second miscarriage

[doradaisy]

Just found out last night.

She was 6/7 weeks pregnant, we didn't know she was pregnant but were supposed to meet up with friends last night and and my brother rang me to explain why they wouldn't make it, so he was forced to tell me.

She was in the hospital. At that point he said it was 'scare' but turns out she lost the baby and has to have a d and c today.

They awful thing is that they had a miscarrigae on their frist pregnancy at 11 weeks, just back in August. We all, including them, rationalised it that it is very common in first pregnancies, etc, etc and it was a bump in the road, etc.

But no am worried for her as it might be symptom of something wrong. They had no probs conceiving but something seems to go wrong after the 6th week.

I have 3 DC myself, DD and DSs (twins) and feel almost like I have 'survivors guilt' kind of, that my two pregancies went so well, in particular a so-called 'high risk' identical twin pregancy.

We have so many grandchildren in our family and my mother (basically said friend's MIL) is always speculating about when/if she will be pregnant, albeit in a nice way, and only to me. But I feel so her as all the family will be analysing hy is happened, etc.

I know there are loads of reasons why miscarriage happens, but why? It's so unfair on them

Your poor sil. :(
When I miscarried the doctor told me they didn't even consider investigations until after the third miscarriage, because it's just so common.
I know this isn't much comfort now, but the chances are still very much in your DB and DSILs favour.
You sound very understanding and supportive.

I've had 3 MC's, years of infertility and 3 kids and it was well worth the long road to getting to this point. Yes M/C's are painful emotionally and can also be painful physically but the fact she can get preggers easily is a huge plus. I know it's likely they wont investigate till the third M/C but maybe your SIL could ask for some tests via her GP? The odds are that she will carry OK next time despite all the M/C's and she has just been unlucky sadly.

Can you send her a card and some flowers - it really helped me feel 'held'

I don't know the reasons and am on the fence. Nobody needs to know about early miscarriages and therefore there is no need for anyone other than the ocuple to speculate but on the other hand if nobody knows there is no-one to turn to for support. When I was in your sil's shoes I didn't want to talk about it with people I knew and who knew me very well, didn't want it referred to at all. Poor girl.

She's lucky to have a sil like you.

Don't feel guilty for yourself - you don't need to. If you take 10 mins out to go to the miscarriage websites and read how people feel and don't feel that will be far more than many people do.

If you allow her and your db the space and time to grieve for their lost child - without going on about the next one or speculating about reasons it happened - if you can listen while they talk about what they feel, then you will be a very special person indeed.

Hello Dora
So sorry to hear about this.
Wonder if AIBU is the right place for this though- we can move to chat or to miscarriage if you'd prefer?
M towers

I'd send some flowers and a card; if you're close I'd risk a phone call and even though it is natural to,try not to think of their situation in terms of you, your guilt, your children, your feelings - this is their miscarriage. I agree listening is often appreciated (if the person wants to talk). Listening without chipping in one's own feelings though can be quite difficult but if you can do it it's a great skill to have.

Early miscarriages are very common, no less devastating for that fact. How sad for them.